04/08/2024
How difficult is it for you to adjust when things do not go according to plan? Are you able to easily pivot, adjusting to circumstances while searching for value in the setback or changes? Or does your entire world constrict, leaving you fuming or blasting anyone perceived as responsible for the forced adjustment to your plans?
The ability to pivot when circumstances are out of our control is a valuable skill, enabling us to push forward despite setbacks and, perhaps, without a clear picture of how the next step will unfold.
However, adjusting to change is generally not an attribute the perfectionist can claim as their own.
In fact, they tend to embody qualities and view the world through a specific lens that make this a near impossible task. Defining qualities of perfectionists are fear of failure, a cognitive style consisting of rigidity and all or none thinking, and the setting of, what are often, unrealistic goals.
If I strive to achieve insanely difficult goals – yet I am terrified of failure – while also expecting everything to go exactly according to plan, one can see how any change will be perceived as a considerable threat.
The behavior this elicits is quite predictable, demanding perfection from themselves, as well as everyone around them. But we know this is an impossible task, so it creates a lot of turmoil.
The perfectionist is not shy about placing their unrealistic demands on others. If anyone falls short, they will find themselves on the receiving end of the perfectionist’s wrath. In this way, it is not surprising that research consistently reveals that perfectionists have difficulty getting along with others.
While there is certainly nothing wrong with holding others accountable, the perfectionist has a way of wearing others down, constantly picking at mistakes or shortcoming, making them feel like they can never do anything right and that nothing is good enough. If you happened to grow up with perfectionist parents, you understand this all too well.
Not only does this negatively affect relationships, but it also kills the motivation of those around us. Damaging others self-esteem, while they slowly grow to despise you, is not exactly the healthy environment desired to achieve highly ambitious goals.
Yet it’s not only others who feel the wrath of perfectionist demands; they are just as hard on themselves, often living in a state of discontent, brought on by the longing for their lofty goals while failing to enjoy the ride or current accomplishments. They often ruminate on mistakes or problems that need to be solved, leaving them emotionally drained.
It’s easy to see how perceived control creates a haven allowing the perfectionist to feel comfortable in their environment, free from the burden of thinking something might prevent accomplishment of their goal.
Interestingly, its often this rigidity of thinking that prevents a goal from being accomplished, not mistakes or the need to alter course, which are normal aspects of the process. When we view a problem as an opportunity to learn, grow, and re-evaluate, things move forward rapidly, and we flow with the current instead of constantly fighting against it.
Equally important is the impact we can have building relationships. If we are to accomplish outrageous goals, we need the support of others around us. And just as constant criticism kills motivation, we can also use difficult moments to build trust and connection by providing assurance, understanding and compassion while still holding others accountable when necessary.
Despite our best efforts to control, we must realize that it’s an illusion brought about by fear. Only when we learn to go with the flow are we able to tap into the assistance always provided by the universe, which always knows the simplest and most effective way to accomplish any task.
We create a plan, work diligently toward our goal, and allow the process to unfold naturally – mistakes, unexpected turns, and all. We adjust when necessary, allowing freedom to change course when there is a setback, or the old plan no longer feels appropriate. It’s from this space great things are created. I wish you comfort and ease on your journey.
