09/12/2024
Boundary work, classically, is working to discern the self. Discerning the self can often occur in wants, in limits, in expectations, in motivations, in desires, in interactions with others. However, boundaries are all too often confused for wants, for limits, for expectations, for motivations, for desires, for ways of controlling others; thus distorting what’s important about boundary work, which is the self.
To give a clear example of boundary work, in the truest sense: starting with another’s want, I can hear another express a want, I can agree or disagree with their want, then act accordingly. Boundary work, in this, is about the self in that moment, it is not about agreeing or disagreeing, nor what action, but discerning oneself in that exact moment.
I could agree to that want, and do it for them, keeping it outside of myself, distancing myself. I could agree to that want, and do it for us, thus expanding my sense of self. I could compulsively agree with any want that another has, simply because it was asked, with little sense of myself.
Or, I could disagree with that want, not doing it for another, to protect myself and distance my sense of self. I could disagree with that want, doing so for the sake of us, redirecting us, preserving a sense of us and self. I could compulsively disagree with any want that another has, with little sense of myself, except to oppose another.
Boundary work, truly, isn’t a question of what one wants or doesn’t want, but of who a person is in that moment of wanting; a sense of self that is growing, guarding, hiding, stagnating, misrepresenting, dissolving, individuating, but above all presenting.
