05/01/2022
The saddest thing I heard in the last less than 24 hours was/is the tragic news of Naomi Judd’s passing “after a lengthy struggle with mental illness.” This beautiful iconic woman was diagnosed with severe depression some years ago. I won’t speculate on whether or not she took her own life because that’s not been determined. What I do want to talk about is depression.
Depression is not just sadness. It’s much deeper than just sadness. It’s an all consuming, deep, dark abyss that people can plunge into. I’ve suffered from depression off and on a lot of my life but particularly after the death of my son. Many people cannot begin to understand how or why someone would resort to taking their life and they consider it to be a selfish act on the part of the one who chooses that route. But nothing could be further from the truth.
You see I myself was suicidal after my son died. And I’ll be honest here…I wasn’t even thinking about how my family would be affected. ALL I could think about was the never ending pain, deep sorrow, and grief that I saw no end to. I became completely dysfunctional in that I absolutely could not function. The tears didn’t stop. I kept the shades drawn and the room dark because I was in a dark, cold place. I could not fathom my life without my son and I prayed daily for death to come to me. I didn’t think about my daughter needing me or my husband wanting me to stay for him. I didn’t think about how pained my mother would be or how much my siblings would suffer. No, ALL I thought about was making the overwhelming sadness and pain go away. All I could think about was “God I can’t, I don’t want to live in this horrible, terrible hell for the rest of my life. Please make it stop.”
Part of the reason I decided to become a counselor was because I was not able to find a grief counselor that could actually relate to what I was going through. Because in order for a grief counselor to relate to me and my suffering, they would have had to have experienced the death of a child, and I didn’t find someone like that. So consequently, I had to rely solely on God to get me through the absolute worst and darkest time of my life. Naomi was quoted as saying that not even her family could help her, and that was also true for me.
How did I come out of my depression? I honestly cannot say except that I had a choice to live or die on at least two separate occasions and I chose life. Do I still get depressed? Yes, I do but not as badly. Today I make a choice NOT to allow depression to overtake me. But not everyone is able to do that. So if you or someone you know suffers from depression, talk to someone about it. Don’t try to do it alone. Reach out to as many people as you need to until you find someone who will walk with you through your pain. Don’t assume that just because someone is smiling at you that they’re okay. Do a mental health wellness check on your people. And do not accept the words “I’m fine.” as an excuse not to dig deeper. The words “I’m fine” are code words for “I’m not okay but I don’t want to bother you with my problems.”
“I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be.” mb
