Lisa Bentivenga, LCSW

08/02/2025

After 16 years as a social worker and therapist, I have decided to transition to another field. I'm seeking a degree on a full time basis and seeing a few clients who have been clients for a long time. I'm not taking any new clients.

I have been told I changed some lives, but my life has been equally changed by the resilience, heartbreak, humor and wisdom of clients throughout my career. The teen and child clients have refreshed my view of the world. It has been a privilege. It is simply time for me to try something new.

Here are some things I learned:

I truly believe that the purpose of life is to love and be loved.

Happily ever after doesn't look like a bride and a groom driving away in a convertible. It looks like an elderly husband drawing his elderly wife's eyebrows on because she is too sick to do it herself, and she never went a day without her eyebrows drawn on.

The quality of the time we spend raising our children earns us either the absence or presence in their lives when they don't have to spend time with us.

There are more marriages that survive infidelity than you would probably guess.

Fear of change can keep you locked in a life of poor quality. Always take a chance for yourself. If you're challenged, you're changing.

Growth is not always comfortable.

Always have money of your own in a personal account.

If you are coparenting with someone who treats your kids badly, keep a journal about the dates and times when incidents occur and how your kids are after they come back to your home. It may help you in court.
Kids always know a lot more than their parents think they do.

The thing that kids need most from divorced parents is a civil relationship between those parents. Parents should refrain from speaking ill of the other parent when he or she is not around the kids.

Always listen to your gut.

Don't medicate, eat, drink, gamble, watch p**n or have s*x to avoid emotional pain.

Talk about s*x with your kids. There are so many places they will learn about it incorrectly if you don't. If you can't do it, get them a book about it.

Do as much as you can to prevent your kids from viewing p**nography. There is software for phones and computers to limit access to these sites. P**n skews their understanding of relationships, s*x, consent and affects with their self esteem because their bodies do not look like the bodies they see in p**n.

Families that eat dinner together as often as possible benefit significantly. It allows you to check in with your kids and/or your spouse or partner.

One of the best places to talk to your kids is the car. You don't have to face each other which makes kids more likely to talk to you.

Children in the LGBTQIA+ community are less likely to commit su***de by having just one supportive adult in their lives.

People in the LGBTQIA+ community have just one thing that is different from most people. They can relate with other people about so many other things. You don't have to understand, but you should always try to be kind.

If your child tells you someone touched them inappropriately, believe them.

Do not tolerate a partner who has physically harmed you, even once. It will not get better.

NO ONE will benefit from not having you around anymore. You will be missed more than you can imagine. Your present life does not mean your future life will be bad. If you are thinking about killing yourself, talk to someone. Call the American Foundation for Su***de Prevention at 988. I have been there, and my life became so much better than I ever thought it could.

Grief and loss sucks. There's no fancier way to say that. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve instead of pushing it away for another day. Eventually that will backfire on you. It will change you and it's likely it will change you for the better. It taught me to find some happiness in each day and live in the present.

Tell the people who matter to you that you love them, including your friends. We are not promised tomorrow.

Ultimately, people seek therapy because of a lack of control over something. Brene Brown has an excellent quote about this: "You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety."

The Dalai Lama said, "How you perceive life as a whole plays a role in your attitude to suffering. If you see suffering as a negative and to be avoided at all costs and in some sense as a sign of failure, this will add a sense of anxiety and intolerance when you encounter difficult circumstances, a feeling of being overwhelmed. But if you accept that suffering is a natural part of existence, this will help you withstand life's adversities."

To quote Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

I hope you find the therapist you were looking for. Best wishes.

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06/28/2025

I believe that there are some experiences that are universal and help us to relate to one another. There are things that have happened in my life that led me to want to help other people who go through the same thing.

Starting 8 years ago, I had three really bad, consecutive years in which my three remaining grandparents and both of my parents died. My grandmothers were in their 80s. My grandfather made it to 92. My dad and mom died 22 months apart from each other, both of cancer. My dad died three days after diagnosis. My mom died 3 days after diagnosis when my brother and I agreed to have her taken off a ventilator. They were 68 and 69. There seems to be an expectation that you don't grieve as much for the people who lived long lives, but I did. When my grandparents’ children didn't make it past 70, it was more heartbreaking.

None of these family members are ever absent from my mind, including the grandfather I lost 37 years ago. They are unconsciously, ever-present in my mind. I have always talked out loud to them. I have asked for visits, and sometimes I have gotten them. Just talking to them made me feel better.

Grief and loss is a part of being human, and so is communication. Even if you don't believe in an afterlife, putting out the love for that person into the universe can unburden you. Of my grief and loss clients, about 40% sought treatment for the loss of a pet and 60% were for the lost of a person. I recommend talking to the pets too.

Whether people understand it or not, we all have to do grief our own way. Grief doesn't end. For some it gets better and for some it remains the same, but they get better at carrying it. Knowing we can always talk to the people we have lost, and maybe knowing that it's been recognized in the scientific world that doing so is beneficial, is one of the comforts we can seek.

NOTE FROM TED: Please do not look to this talk for mental health advice and seek professional help if you are struggling. This talk only represents the speak...

05/27/2025

This highlights the importance of being grateful for existing even though existing involves suffering. Understanding that bad comes with good. Understanding that grieving is a lifelong process and life in general is not at all easy.

I think Dolly Parton said it best: “The way I see it, if you want the rainbows, you’ve got to put up with the rain.”

This conversation was so raw and tender - truly a wonderful display of human interaction.

05/15/2025

*If you have a history of s*xual, physical, emotional abuse, r**e or being the victim of domestic violence, this post may be triggering*

Why didn't she leave?

I think the majority of the U.S. is aware that there is a trial taking place to determine the fate of Sean Combs, more commonly known as P. Diddy or Diddy. He is a well-known recording artist, owner of a producing and recording business who has helped rocket rap and R&B musicians to startdom. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd write a post about celebrities, but this one is ripe for discussion.

He has multiple charges against him that are s*xual in nature, violent in nature and drug related as well. The first witness in the trial is a former girlfriend named Cassie Ventura.

She has been the first victim to speak in this trial. She has talked extensively about s*xual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, his threats of releasing videos he took during these acts as well as sending them to her family.

The question everyone is asking is "why didn't she leave?"

There was an age difference of 17 years. She met him when she was 19 and based on her testimony she was innocent, bordering on sheltered. He is incredibly wealthy and she came from nothing. She was signed on as an artist with his recording company, so he held her career in the palm of his hands. He paid her rent on two separate residences. He began isolating her from her friends and family. If she wasn't with him she was mostly alone. She did not have access to much money. He forced her into s*xual encounters she did not want to participate in as well as degrading s*xual acts and he filmed them. He regularly beat her if she talked to another man, if he didn't like her facial expression or she said something he didn't like. The details of the beatings are sickening. They were violent and they were witnessed by others who were too afraid of his power to report it. She reported that he r**ed her on several occasions but after the last r**e she had consensual s*x with him one more time. She justified it by saying that had been together for ten years, and it seems like it was a final goodbye. She began a relationship with someone else and he told her that her new boyfriend's car was going to explode while Combs was out of the country. Her boyfriend's Porsche did explode and the fire department found a device under the car that was placed there to blow up the car.

Why didn't she leave? Domestic violence is one of the most difficult things for people to understand if they haven't been through it or know someone who did. She and Combs were together on and off for 10 years. She said many times that she didn't speak up or leave because she was afraid he would beat her, kill her, release the films he had of her participating unwillingly in s*x acts, leave her with no income and nowhere to go, she didn't want to anger him and she loved him.

There is a cycle to domestic violence that begins with what is referred to as a honeymoon phase. It's romantic, the victim is praised and built up and it seems like a dream come true. Batterers are extremely charming, and if their behavior is exposed, a great many people who know that person can't believe that great guy they knew was capable of something like that. Then the victim begins getting accused (often) of cheating on the batterer or doing something else the batterer doesn't like. Combs did not want her to speak to many people, and she was beaten when she did. The tension between the two increases due to threats and intimidation on the part of the batterer. Finally, there's an explosion and that person is beaten, threatened and often in fear for their life.

She had nowhere to go. She didn't have money. She was constantly being monitored by his security. If she didn't respond to a phone call within a certain time, security would show up to find out what she was doing. She had no friends anymore. She was too embarrassed to call her mom. She feared he would release the films he had of her in s*xual encounters. She had no career without Combs. She couldn't pay her rent. Anyone she had access to was an employee of Combs or someone who was too scared of Combs' power and prestige to help her.

The time that a domestic violence victim is most in danger is when she tries to leave that person. She did attempt to leave and he severely beat her for it. It is partially filmed and has been released to the public. When she saw another man, (Kid Cudi) his car was blown up. When she began dating the person who is now her husband, he talked about wanting payback because she met him through Combs because he was his personal trainer.

Domestic violence cases are hard to prove in court. Based on my experiences with clients who were former victims, they are often dissuaded by the police from reporting the abuse because they are tough legal cases, can be embarrassing and they are told they would be in greater danger. They can get a restraining order but the restraining order often does not prevent a determined batterer from "punishing" that woman.

Why didn't she leave? It's all about survival and the spell the batterer casts over their victims. They hang in for the honeymoon phase and hope it doesn't end.

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04/15/2025

Years before I ever entered this field, I worked as a mortgage loan processor for about 8 years. It gave me a vantage point that not many people have.

I would prepare the documents for closing and calculated how much cash they needed to close on their home. There were many times people were buying a $400,00 to $600,000 home and because I had a bank statement for all of their accounts, it was not unusual for people who would have to use a credit card to buy a garbage can to go in front of that house because they were financially cleaned out. It was also possble to make a 3% down payment on a house. Earlier in those 8 years some people were able to borrow 103% of a home’s value so even closing costs were wrapped up into the loan.

From time to time clients lament not having what the Jones’ have, be it a big house, a boat, lavish vacations, etc. I tell them that is possible that all of could be financed to the hilt. This video is an excellent example.

Most Americans are 1-2 paychecks away from being unable to pay rent or a mortgage payment. 60% of Americans don’t have the money for an emergency that would require $1,000.

Bottom line: You can’t compare your reality to the pictures you see on social media or your neighbors’ lives. Everything could be financed. They might be less than one paycheck away from homelessness.

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03/07/2025

People apologize often for crying during a session. You might have been thinking about therapy for a while, maybe about something from a long time ago, or maybe there’s something going on right now. So you summoned up the courage to talk to a complete stranger you know very little about and tell her this stuff. That’s courage and strength.

1) there is no safer place to cry than my office
2) tears contain some hormones that were making you feel badly and
3) as the video states, crying helps your body regulate itself.

Just because you cry does not mean you are not strong. I have met some really strong people who chuckled when I comment how strong they are. They may cry, but they dry their tears, know that the journey ahead is hard but they keep on trucking.

I’m a therapist who likes to learn about brain chemistry and anatomy so I can teach people and help them highjack their brain when it is possible.

Let yourself cry. The only way you can process your feelings is to go through them. No other point of exit or ignoring those feelings ends well.

02/10/2025

Since Inauguration Day I’ve had a lot of clients express anxiety about the outcome of the election and the changes that may come down the pike.

Regardless of their political party, I treat clients without judgment. Everyone has deeply personal reasons for the candidates they choose.

For those who are anxious and unhappy, you have options:

Call your Congress representatives office and tell them what worries you. Call them repeatedly. When they are called twice they have to keep records of your calls and the issues you called about. You can find your representative at congress.gov.

You can find your Senator at house.gov. They have local offices as well. If you are persistent enough, you may get a face to face meeting, and you can talk again about the issues you are concerned about. It’s also a good idea to call them several times as well.

Senators introduce bills and Congress votes on them.

You could donate to or volunteer for the American Civil Liberties Union.

You can donate or volunteer for Showing Up for Racial Justice. Its an organization for white people who want to help injustices that take place within the Black community and eradicate the oppression of Black people and people of color that is baked into the institutions, voting rights and other systems in our country.

Thats just the start. Make your voice heard. Our Congressman and Senator work for us.

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Your member's website and contact form are available around the clock. Identify your member and let your opinion be heard.

01/23/2025

I have had three clients in my office break down over changes that are happening and changes that are to come. I've had clients who had abortions in the past and I don't judge them. I've never had a client who had an abortion who didn't at least feel sorrow about it or wish that it didn't have to happen. I do a lot of reading about treating people of color so that I can have a better understand of what their lives are like.

If you don't want to be judged, come see me. We are all just doing the best we can.

01/22/2025

Don’t worry so much about suffering. You cannot skip ahead to a better place after bad things happen by worrying about them now. Try to let the suffering be and live presently in the moment. It's when you stuff it down in a multitude of ways that the suffering is worse.

01/20/2025

I listen to the “Science vs” podcast while I cook on weekends or I can’t stand to listen to one more football game that my husband and son are watching while I cook. I listen on Spotify but I understand there are other places to listen to podcasts where you can find it as well. I particularly trust this podcast as a resource for my clients or anyone who passes by because the information provided is backed up by robust research and at least one scientist who produced one of those studies is interviewed during each podcast.

I’m sharing this as a medical geek, particularly a brain geek. For probably the past decade I have been reading about the effects of inflammation including cancer, heart disease, stroke and other vascular issues. It can make it difficult for your body to fight off infections and it certainly affects your mental health. The foods we crave when we are depressed are particularly high in carbohydrates and sugar, which are known causes of inflammation. This podcast explains that inflammation affects the blood-brain barrier that is meant to protect the brain. Inflammation makes it leaky, and it affects the brain. Inflammation in your body can cause depressive symptoms.

Please note that I cannot provide you with medical advice but to give you something to talk to a dietitian or a doctor about. I encourage you to seek out a dietitian if that is covered by insurance or affordable to you as doctors get very, very little training or education about nutrition, but if your doctor is your only option, consult him or her.

This podcast mentions the benefits of the Mediterranean diet. What’s consistent about diets we have all read about is the importance of eating 5 to 7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, and trying to “eat the rainbow”. Have blueberries with breakfast, a salad with red cabbage and carrots for lunch and a medley of broccoli and yellow squash with dinner.

It is difficult to adhere to this diet. Healthy food in general is not cheap. Broccoli is not available at a drive-thru. For most people, this type of diet requires food prep, which requires time. Keep trying. Some weeks or even days are better than others. Every meal is an opportunity to make a better choice. Your mental and physical health are worth it.

01/04/2025

I truly believe in the benefits of an attitude of gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget we live in paradise, and I am grateful for this beautiful place with NO SNOW!

12/14/2024

Psychiatrist. Psychologist. Therapist.

What’s the difference?

As a therapist, I hold a master’s degree in clinical social work. There are a variety of master’s degrees you can have that will allow you to be a therapist, including marriage and family therapy and rehabilitation and mental health counseling. Each degree may focus on different facets of mental health such as substance abuse, family relationships or the community a person belongs to. We may use different treatment methods, but we all perform supervised hours of therapy as a requirement for graduation. To become licensed, we all perform additional hours of supervised therapy and pass a rigorous test.

We all provide talk therapy using evidence-based practices, which means they have been extensively studied and found to be beneficial.

Psychologists have doctoral degrees. They tend to treat more intense mental illnesses than master’s level therapists. They are also trained to conduct psychological testing of various types and that tends to be their bread and butter. Although they have PhDs, they go through graduate school but not medical school and they cannot prescribe medications.

Psychiatrists almost exclusively prescribe medications. They go through medical school and like all prospective doctors, they have to go through rounds in different areas of medicine and they choose psychiatry. Then they go through additional years of schooling. It is rare to find a psychiatrist who also does therapy, but there are some old schoolers who were trained in this. Their treatment tends to be very expensive and not covered by insurance.

Come see me and I will prescribe chocolate, hugs, naps, alone time, self care, a healthier diet, exercise, breath work and meditation.