04/03/2026
Today marks one month without my Cayden.
It hasn’t gotten any easier. The pain in my heart is still just as heavy. I would do anything to hear his laugh again… to see his smile, watch him dance or rock in his chair, hear his music—anything, just one more time.
I find myself searching for signs from him every single day. And I truly believe he’s sending them—not just to me, but to others too. I’ll share some below and in pictures. I know Cayden is still with me… in my heart, in my soul. But the pain of missing him is overwhelming. I just want one more hand to hold, one more skip, one more dance, one more laugh. One more chance to buy him his favorite foods. One single minute… I would give anything to relive those moments.
I’ve been struggling more than I can even explain. Every day I have to force myself out of bed. I have to keep going—for Harlow. To be the mom she deserves, to give her the unconditional love and support she needs. But it’s so hard when reality hits that life keeps moving. Bills still need to be paid. Soon I’ll have to go back to work, put on my “nurse face,” and act like everything is okay… while inside I feel like I’m breaking.
About a week ago, I had a dream of Cayden. I didn’t see his face, but I saw his arms holding his black iPad. That iPad meant everything to him. He used it to communicate, to capture moments, to connect with the world. He would take pictures like a little paparazzi—one was never enough. If you scrolled through it, there were rows and rows of photos, and he knew exactly where everything was.
In my dream, on his iPad screen, I saw my beautiful niece Alexis—our Lexi—who also left this world far too soon at just 12 years old. Her picture filled the screen, over and over, as he kept scrolling.
To some, it may not make sense. But to me, it meant everything. It meant they are together. Cousins. Both gone too soon, but not alone.
I’ve also been seeing ladybugs everywhere. It feels too early in the season for them, yet they keep appearing—on our car leaving Kalahari, even in Cayden’s classroom. And the signs are there in the numbers too… I see 11, 17, 20 everywhere, in all different forms. Maybe I’m crazy… or maybe it really is him finding ways to reach me because I’m so open, so desperate to feel him close. I choose to believe it’s him.
I just wanted to share. Our story. My grief. My love for him.
I hope it’s beautiful where you are, Cayden and Lexi. I hope you are together, laughing and having the best time. I love you. I miss you. And I will carry you with me forever.
Please—live your life like it truly matters. Like every day is a gift. Because it is. And you never know when everything can change.
Below you will see the picture of my niece Alexis that was what Cayden showed me in my dream 🤍💙🎗️🕊️🐞
