Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

11/25/2025

It means that no matter who you partner with, there will be a set of differences that persist throughout the relationship.

No relationship is problem-free and many of the differences between partners remain stable across time.

What’s a solvable problem in one relationship may be a perpetual problem in another and vice versa.

The question is: are the perpetual problems you experience ones that you can accept and live with?

Perpetual problems don’t necessarily mean that things can’t be managed and navigated. It means that there might be an ongoing negotiation. For example, you’re an extrovert and I’m an introvert. That may not change. So, we might have to navigate each social engagement as it comes up. You’re a spender and I’m a saver. We may need to pick and choose where we spend and where we save. But the core differences between us don’t go away. That’s what makes it perpetual.

Source:

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/24/2025

Scheduled intimacy should be flexible and take context into account. Decide what sounds pleasurable or connecting for you in the moment. Don’t rely on the same old script.

Want to learn more about this approach? We wrote a whole book about it! You can order your copy of Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships at major book retailers or your favorite local bookstore.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. Posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions. Please excuse the spelling, it’s to get around a medium that isn’t friendly to this type of educational content.

11/23/2025

By demonstrating more of these behaviors, we can foster secure attachment. These actions help partners to feel safe, valued, and supported, which is essential for a healthy, secure bond. Which of these are you working on?

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/21/2025

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Therapy Lols 😁

Via 🤓

11/21/2025

I recommend looking up the term, compulsory s*xuality, which is unfortunately perpetuated or reinforced by some s*x and relationship therapists.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/21/2025

I came across a post that said this and felt the need to correct the misinformation.

Also, s*xual desire in and of itself is *not* a great litmus test for relationships. There are plenty of women who are happy in their relationships, yet experience little to no s*xual desire and that can be due to a number of different reasons (including as*xual identities).

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/20/2025

Highlighting the fact that this is a broad overview based on patterns. Each individual will have their own unique needs and therapeutic goals.

Source: Based on attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, first applied to adult relationships by Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver. This is also informed by the work of Dr. Sue Johnson’s emotionally focused couple therapy.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/19/2025

What’s underlying some of these behaviors may be a desire to smoothe things over, avoid making things worse, or protect from being misunderstood or mischaracterized. Instead of trying to understand the underlying needs or vulnerable emotions in a partner and saying something like, “It sounds like you’re hurting right now. Talk to me about it,” we might instead make a joke or just shut down and not respond.

To clarify: not all use of humor or reasoning and such is “bad.” It’s when it shows up as part of a specific relational pattern, particularly as a response to a partner who is experiencing hurt feelings or a need for emotional attunement.

The above list is from the book, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald, which is a great at-home resource for couples and partners, either on its own or as an adjunct to therapy.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/19/2025

What’s underlying some of these behaviors may be a need for connection, an attempt to repair, vulnerable feelings, or attachment wounds. Rather than saying, “I’m feeling disconnected from you” or “I felt dismissed earlier when I made a bid for connection,” we might instead say things like, “You never want to spend time with me!” (criticize) or “You need to quit _____ so that we can spend more time together” (controlling).

The underlying needs or function of the behavior is not the problem. It’s when we do this in a particular way, it tends to contribute to a negative dynamic.

Stay tuned for my next post about avoidant/withdrawing behaviors.

The above list is from the book, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald, which is a great at-home resource for couples and partners, either on its own or as an adjunct to therapy.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/18/2025

We call this the pursue-withdraw or anxious-avoidant pattern.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

11/17/2025

It’s not about the response to one bid, it’s about the pattern.

Source:
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

Bird theory | Bird test | Gottman | Research | Couples | Partners | Marriage | Bids for Connection | Dating | Engaged | TikTok trends

11/16/2025

We had a great time at Twin Cities Pride Q***r Writes Fall Book Fair!

You can grab a copy of Desire at an online retailer or your favorite small bookshop.