06/14/2025
Wise words.
I stumbled on Jim Burns' Doing Life with Your Adult Children on one of those nights where sleep wouldn’t come and the questions about parenting grown children refused to leave. I was scrolling through Audible, tired of the “fix your kid in five steps” titles, when the subtitle of this book caught my attention: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out. It made me laugh—probably louder than I should have at 2 a.m.—because it was painfully relatable. I hit play. Wayne Campbell’s narration felt like a wise uncle gently taking my hand and saying, “You’re not crazy, you’re just growing with your grown kids.” The combination of Burns’ humor, honesty, and heartfelt wisdom, delivered in Campbell’s steady voice, turned what I thought would be a parenting guide into an emotional awakening. Here are eight lessons that struck me the hardest—and might just help you, too:
1. Love Without Strings Attached: This one hit home early. Jim Burns made it very clear: unconditional love isn’t passive; it’s active. And it doesn’t mean approval. He shared stories of parents whose children made choices they couldn’t support, yet they kept loving—steadfast, quietly, no manipulation. As I listened, I realized how often I tried to love with silent expectations. This lesson reminded me that love isn’t a rope we use to pull our kids back to our ideals; it’s the light that helps them find their way, even when they’re walking a different road.
2. Your Role Has Changed—Embrace It: The moment Burns said, “You are no longer the coach. You’re the consultant,” I paused the audio. I needed to let that sink in. I’d been parenting as if I still held the whistle and clipboard. Burns makes you laugh about it, but then drives the point with such clarity that you feel both relieved and a little grieved. Letting go of the old role doesn’t mean you stop parenting—it means you start parenting differently. That shift helped me start listening more, advising less, and respecting their process.
3. Keep the Welcome Mat Out: It’s not just about having a physically open door—it’s about keeping your heart open. Burns tells stories of families fractured by harsh words, subtle disapproval, or even silence. He emphasized how powerful it is for adult children to know they can come home—not to be fixed or judged, but to be embraced. That picture of a welcome mat became a personal metaphor. Was I being welcoming—or waiting for them to change before I truly let them in?
4. When to Keep Quiet: The “Keep Your Mouth Shut” part isn’t just a witty title—it’s a life skill. Burns talks about the temptation to comment on everything from finances to fashion to friends. His advice? If it’s not life-threatening or illegal, maybe hold your tongue. I cringed when I thought about how many times I gave “little suggestions” that weren’t invited. This lesson taught me the value of silence—not as withdrawal, but as respect. And it works. Conversations started flowing when the commentary stopped.
5. Let Them Fail: This part was hard to hear—but necessary. Burns talks about the danger of rescuing adult children too often. He used the phrase “short-circuiting the growth process,” and it landed like a brick. I realized how my interventions, though well-meaning, may have blocked lessons life was trying to teach. Letting them fail isn't abandonment; it’s trust in their ability to grow. This shift helped me breathe easier, realizing failure is not the end—it’s a path.
6. Don’t Parent Their Spiritual Life: This was especially convicting. Burns warns about trying to manage your adult child’s faith, even subtly. He urges parents to “influence without intrusion.” I had to face the fact that my reminders, my carefully chosen quotes, even my silence after a missed church service… it all communicated disappointment. I needed to step back and trust God with their journey. That one shift changed the tone of our conversations completely—from guarded to genuine.
7. Respect Their Spouse: When Jim said, “If you criticize their spouse, you’re criticizing them,” I felt a lump in my throat. It’s easy to see the flaws in the person they married—but it’s not my place to point them out. Burns challenges parents to build bridges, not walls, especially with in-laws. His stories of reconciliation and restraint showed me how dignity given is dignity returned. I began choosing affirmation over analysis—and our relationship deepened because of it.
8. Pray More, Worry Less: This final lesson isn’t a cliché when Jim Burns says it. It’s a lifeline. His words reminded me that while I don’t have control, I have access to the One who does. His emphasis on prayer wasn’t a spiritual bypass but a grounded, hope-filled invitation. Instead of rehearsing fears in my head, I started releasing them in prayer. My posture shifted from anxious parenting to faithful presence. That’s a gift—for me and my kids.
Book/Audiobook: https://amzn.to/4kwXQVP
You can access the audiobook when you register on the Audible platform using the l!nk above.
