09/06/2025
There are so many thoughtful tools in this post. Thank you, Barbara Karnes, RN, as always for these gentle reminders as we navigate caring for our loved ones.
We often don’t see what we don’t want to see. When it comes to acknowledging the end of life’s approach, this sentence is very true. My husband recently died of cancer. I am an end of life educator. I know what dying looks like, how it progresses, and what to do to support the person on their journey. Here are some insights that have been added to my knowledge as the result of walking in caregiver shoes:
*It is hard to comprehend that our special person will die no matter what we do. No matter how many treatments, how much medicine, or how much food we give, death will come.
*Food, socialization, and activity are the areas we associate with living. When we have been told death will come sooner rather than later, we concentrate on those areas to keep living from ending.
*Food was probably the biggest challenge and obstacle when my husband was dying (and I knew better). It took many disagreements, urging, coaxing before I finally realized that no matter how much I coerced him to eat, he was still going to die. (Yes, "coerced" is a strong word, but that was what I was doing.) The disease was killing him and no amount of food would stop or change its progression.
*There is a gradual withdrawal from talking, from interacting with others. First there will be no interest in TV, then in world happenings, and finally in visiting with friends. Gradually, interest in most things is lost. An example of socialization withdrawal was when my husband was content being propped up in bed with his eyes closed listening to his adult children read to him. No talking, no interacting, just listening. Decreased socialization is disconnecting the threads that hold our interest here.
*Activity is another area we caregivers focus on. I can hear myself saying to him “If you just stay in bed you will get weaker.” Our focus in living is to be active. Our culture has become one of exercise, nutrition, and healthy living. Living is the operative word here. When the body is preparing to die, all the “healthy living” tools go out the window. They begin to reverse. Why? Because the body is preparing to die.
Can we stop these three from happening? Not if there is a disease that no longer responds to treatment or the body just gets old and wears out.
We forget that death will come to all of us at some time. I guess we just don’t want to acknowledge that it’s happening when the time actually arrives.
Something more…
If you are caring for someone approaching the end of life, my Approaching Death Support Kit can guide you through what’s happening and how to provide comfort. This bundle includes my most essential resources for families and caregivers, giving you knowledge and reassurance. Explore the Support Kit: https://bkbooks.com/products/approaching-death-support-kit
