07/16/2025
I get asked this question all the time.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you might be sorting through a deep fog—questioning your memory, your instincts, even your worth. That’s not just emotional confusion; it’s nervous system injury.
Gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional withdrawal—these are real harms. And they can leave lasting imprints.
So let’s start here: You don’t owe compassion to someone who continually violates your boundaries.
That said—here’s what I’ve seen: narcissistic traits often develop as protective adaptations to early trauma. When a child grows up without being truly seen or soothed or loved, they build an identity that says, “If I can’t be loved for who I am, I’ll be admired for who others need or want me to be.”
But compassion for their pain does not require self-abandonment.
Insight doesn’t equal unlimited access.
Understanding doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment.
And here’s where I want to be clear: I don’t support the pathologizing or polarizing language that says “narcissists are evil,” “they can never change,” or “throw them away.” That kind of othering may feel justified at first, but it often keeps us stuck in cycles of blame, reactivity or feeling vicitmized—when what we really need is clarity, boundaries, and repair.
Healing isn’t about excusing behavior. It’s about seeing the full picture—how trauma can create protective masks—and deciding what you need to heal from.
Think of it like this: If someone’s drowning, they might pull others down with them. You can understand why they’re panicking. But you’re still allowed to swim to shore.
An integrative trauma approach means holding both: The reality of your pain AND the humanity of the person who caused it.
But here’s the key: accountability is non-negotiable.
For healing to happen—on either side—there must be willingness to look inward, repair harm, and grow.
If you’re fresh out of a narcissistic dynamic, your job isn’t to fix them. It’s to come home to yourself.
