06/15/2020
My First Blog Post.
How does Toxic Shame manifest in daily thoughts and conversation?
Before we can start identifying toxic shame, we must be able to, as any good explorer knows, be able to define the territory that we are about to explore. Let us begin by identifying what Shame and Toxic Shame are. Simply put, shame is the part of our morals and values that allows us to engage in what we consider to be “our normal self-censuring”. Shame allows us to set limits on our behavior, and what we consider acceptable behavior from others. This can be a tricky, as much of the development of shame comes from our own personal understanding of values and morals. As we grow up as children, we develop a sense of “right and wrong”.
The implications for the use of shame are profound here because they apply to a social consciousness and to an individual consciousness. Something that I will cover in detail in other blog posts. For now, it is sufficient to say that when we analyze fractures in our social and cultural norms much of what we see in its fractionation deal with different subcultures understanding of what “Shameful” is.
Shame is the reason that we do not engage in fornication in public in the US or why love marriages are not the norm in other cultures, or why family is more important than individualism in other cultures. Shame is what holds back individuals from engaging in behaviors that are unacceptable to the self and others. It is transmitted thru stories, narratives, anecdotes, and metaphors told within cultures and society. Therefore Hollywood, Literature, Music, and Art powerful influences on what we define as “Shameful”.
The most powerful influence on the development of a child’s view of shame is their relationship between themselves and their parents. As children grow up, we see children guided by parents into learning what is acceptable and not acceptable. However, some parents utilize skewering words, contempt, and dehumanizing language towards children. As children get older, what we observe as therapists is the internalization of these concepts of shame as deeply held beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. This becomes the toxic shame that eventually becomes rather problematic to resolve inside of therapy. When we hear parents say things like, “What are you stupid” or things like, “Why are you so dumb”. These are just some very basic and common examples of how the theme of toxic shame continues to manifest on a daily basis. Another example of Toxic shame is when parents engage in daily toxic language of others such as, “They are so stupid”, “we aren’t like them”, or “why are people like them so dumb”.
This in turn leads to the internalization and development of these toxic shameful thoughts as states of being. Pete Walker in his book Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Surviving to Thriving describes these toxic thinking patters as inner and outer critic.
The inner critic is the internalized voices of our family growing up. It is the shameful view of ourselves from our parents and other authority figures growing up that says we are disgusting or defective. These are phrases that clients will repeat in session such as, “I’m such an idiot when I…”, “I’m so dumb when I..”, or “I’m too stupid to…”. These are the phrases that lead to anxiety and depression. Much alleviation can be experienced by clients simply by internally removing these voices with more healthy views of themselves and others. Many therapies have been developed to assist clients with increasing their capacity with positive self-talk. At this time, it is the therapists responsibility to assist the client with experientially exploring ways of negating and changing their view of themselves.
The next important work that needs to be explored with a client in therapy is the use of the outer critic. This for example is when unhealthy or toxic shame is applied to others. This will manifest in the form of, “Why are they so stupid”, “They should be more like..”, “They are so stupid when.., or “Everyone is so stupid when..”. These are the sort of views about others and the world around us that lead to relationship problems. They are patterns of thinking that lead to isolation and devaluation of others. At this point in time is often useful to have the client work on viewing the world from the others viewpoint. Trying to explore what that means to the client to walk in the other persons shoes.
Often times difficulties that arise in therapy when working with toxic shame is the disassociation from positive emotional states, such as joy, tranquility, serenity, and self, and association with negative emotions such as disgust, anger, fear, nervousness, and sadness. One of the most difficult things that client will experience is having permission to feel positive emotions. Many clients will say things like, “It’s not comfortable”, “It’s too touchy feely”, or “It’s not going to make a different to say things like that”. Experiencing positive emotions/moods can be very un-nerving to clients as they have become accustomed to experiencing negative emotions/moods.
Another problem with exploring toxic shame is deeply held beliefs about family. In many cultures the reason shame can continue to exist is because it is kept secret. There are family rules about what can and cannot be shared. Client’s will often keep secrets to avoid being disloyal to the family and continue to maintain parents and family members in golden pedestals. Any attempt to view the family from a critical viewpoint to assist the client’s development can quickly lead to the client having feelings of deep resentment towards the therapist. It can also be destabilizing for the client to realize that his family is not perfect. In many cases the client may develop all or nothing thinking patterns around this relationship, “Either I love my mother or I hate her”, “Either I respect my father or I don’t”, “I’m with my family or I’m against them”. This sort of thinking is exactly the kind of thinking that continues to maintain the client in a bind and will need to be address in a very patient and cautious manner by the therapist working with the client.
One of the most important problems to deal with in therapy is the use of what I call the 4 horsemen words of shame. Stupid, Dumb, Re****ed, and Idiot. When people use these words they continue to manifest the vocabulary of toxic shame. Getting clients to give up the use of these words can be a complicated and tricky ordeal in therapy. Again, what we see is the use of regression, denial, minimization, and generalization to avoid grieving, and understanding the effect these words have on the client and others around him. When full realization is achieved it can have a very profound effect on the client and their awareness of the effect these words have on relationships around him.
In this very brief article on Shame we have explored some basic concepts of how shame can manifest in daily conversations and thoughts. If you are interested in understand more of how Shame affects us, I am going to provide a reading list that others may find helpful. I highly recommend gradually understanding the mechanisms of shame and toxic shame to guide our clients into more relaxed long term states. My next blog article will talk about Shame and Toxic Shame on a societal level.
Recommended Readings on Shame:
Healing the Shame that Binds You By John Bradshaw
Family Secrets by John Bradshaw
The Dynamics of Power by Gershen Kaufman, PhD and Lev Raphael PhD
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, MS
Healing the Child Within You by Charles Whitfield, MD
Luis Antonio Otero De Santiago, LMHC
