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S.M. Backus, LLC

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Middleton, WI
S.M. Backus, LLC

Teaching & Supporting Parents & Young Adults to Heal & Empower Themselves

04/25/2022

Self-harm is not a cry for attention and most of the time does not mean someone is suicidal. It is a way to cope with emotional pain—an overwhelm of emotions and thoughts. It feels like the only way to get the emotions out sometimes since no one is listening or there are barriers to their sharing.

04/23/2022

How to be non-judgmental: Know that most of the time what irritates us about others is a chance to understand ourselves; Consider prioritizing love, compassion, kindness for yourself (this practice will bleed over into how we treat others); Play with positive thinking; Make observing our first reaction; Choose to be open; Put ourselves in their shoes; Be spiritual; Live and Let Live; Accept; Mind our own Business; Move our own anger (exercise, art, or spiritual practice); Know our own triggers and be mindful of them; Take care of our own back yard first and always.

04/21/2022

Intrusive thoughts sometimes come with OCD, PTSD, BPD, or Disordered Eating. When they come via these diagnoses, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is instrumental along with some form of desensitizing. However, good self-care is the long-term solution to intrusive thoughts. We don’t have the luxury of not being self-compassionate, not being self-aware, not being self-understanding.

04/19/2022

Shame promotes toxic behavior, self-involved thoughts, abject compliance, imagined guilt, victim-mentality. How to rid ourselves of shame: Pretend we don’t care what others think; Choose self-compassion at all times; share what you are going through with good people; Accept that the trauma happened exactly as it occurred; Choose to be in the present (not the past or future); Choose to be social; Choose balance (not more do-ing); Stop attacking ourselves and others; Be curious whose voice it is that is saying we should feel shame; Truly see our own goodness.

04/17/2022

Anger is a real emotion. However, expressing anger is an attempt to manipulate someone or make them feel guilty. Emotions are best expressed athletically, artistically, or spiritually. Any interpersonal sharing never has the word “you” in a sentence. It is purely a sharing that is observation and non-judging of oneself, has nothing to do with another person, and is never attached to expectations.

04/15/2022

Shaking the imagined and existential guilt habit requires that we have parameters (boundaries), take care of our own needs, make powerful choices as to how we spend our time and energy. It means we stop using the word, should. It means we choose what we value most (quality v quantity, kind v nice, authentic v not vulnerable). It is often helpful to determine what is under the pseudo emotion called guilt. (Pseudo emotions are feelings that are mixed with a thought.) Is it fear, grief, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement? These are the 6 core emotions under all other mixed emotions.

04/13/2022

What to do about feeling guilty: Name your perceived guilt; explore your core beliefs around why you think you should feel guilty; make amends if necessary; practice gratitude, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, self-appreciative, self-trust—even if you don’t want to. To not operate under guilt, powerfully own our own choices, choose to put things into perspective, give energy to what we want to give energy to; get more information or evidence (ask the person we feel guilty about what they want); be aware of the big picture and that everything is grey (not black or white), accept that guilt is a false emotion.

04/11/2022

Validating others requires us to be patient, understanding, accepting and non-judging. It requires us to only listen without talking or following your reactions in your mind. “You’re okay/Don’t be so sensitive” is the most invalidating response we can give to a child’s emotion. “Things will work out/It could be worse/It’s not a big deal” is the most invalidating response we can say to a teenager regarding their reality. “Chill out/Calm down/It’s a waste of time to worry” Is the most invalidating response we can give to a partner sharing an experience.

04/09/2022

Emotional Regulation is acquired by being able to label feelings accurately, interrupting our patterns of behavior, and practicing a meditative commitment (knowing ourselves and how we affect others). Emotional regulation is experienced as a lightening of overwhelming emotions—think pastel instead of saturated colors. Rage moves through anger to annoyance; Terror moves through fear to apprehension; Ecstasy moves through joy to serenity; grief moves through sadness to pensiveness; Vigilance moves through anticipation to interest.

04/07/2022

Tired of the roller coaster, drama, tantrums, and meltdowns (our own)? Emotional regulation is the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state. Emotional regulation is evident when we powerfully choose to respond instead of react via triggered emotions, powerfully choose to not respond in action due to triggered emotions and powerfully choose how one responds to triggered emotions. One does this by practicing self-awareness (be present to your emotions and own them), mindfulness (identify what is happening in your body when you react to something), cognitive reappraisal (challenge cognitive distortions), self-compassion (be your own friend), use support every day and every week (use your friend, find a therapist/coach/mentor/alternative parent). All of this and problem-solving, builds reliance, grit, stability, and adaptability.

04/05/2022

How can we validate others: identify and acknowledge their words and emotions without letting our cognitive filters and distortions get in the way. Actually listen to what they are saying so well that we can repeat what they said back to them; use open and compassionate body language (do not walk away until they feel complete in what they are trying to share); ask for clarification or elaboration on their thoughts and feelings. Seek to understand (not be understood); choose to be non-critical, non-problem-solving, and give your full attention.

04/03/2022

When in doubt ask these questions of your higher self/higher power: Is there anything I’m to know? Is there anything I’m to do right now? Where am I giving my power away right now?

04/02/2022

Ask your wise-future self how to get from where you are today to where they are in the future. Ask they how they got there. Go backwards to intuit what small steps can be done now to bring Point B closer to where you are now, Point A.

03/31/2022

Surrender is the answer to any upset.

03/29/2022

Triggers are merely fodder for us to fill our own holes and own our crap (ego).

03/27/2022

Unraveling the lies and seeing the truth of psychological abuser’s actions and words helps us deprogram the conscious and subconscious lies the abuser has planted. Shannon Thomas, LCSW states in her book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, that survivors of psychological abuse are not only making changes in their mind and behaviors, but their bodies and nervous system will also be effected. Our bodies may not be onboard, yet. It is a process moving toward health and well-being. It is a process moving toward financial stability. It is a process letting go of anything that zaps us of energy so that we are once again vibrant.

03/25/2022

According to Shannon Thomas, LCSW, when we decide to begin recovery from psychological abuse, confidence will be found in the small thinking and behavioral changes we make. Boundaries are the key for any healthy relationship (and right compassion toward ourselves and others). There is not one way to recover and not one way to establish boundaries. For boundaries to work, we must develop a feeling of detachment from psychological abusers. Staying away from someone isn’t necessarily a boundary. Working toward being less triggered by someone is a boundary. Speaking with detachment in a firm way without feelings or out of control behaviors is establishing a boundary.

03/21/2022

Some rules for a survivor in a toxic relationship as gleaned by Shannon Thomas’s book on psychological abuse: 1. Never Self-Doubt 2. Know that you are and always have been manipulated by the abuser. 3. Understand that toxic people do not feel insecure. (This is not an excuse for their behaviors even if it were true.) 4. Really see the dynamics of psychological abuse as truth. (Come out of the habits of Denial and Justifying.) 5. We are not overreacting or being “too sensitive”. 6. Do not follow the abuser’s line of thinking. Ever. 7. Do have Hope for our future. (Our birthdays and holidays will be peaceful and happy again without having to deal with adult temper tantrums.) 8. Do not give energy to our insecurities. (We are worthy of wonderful people in our lives.) 9. Use anything that makes us feel disgust with the abuser and pushes us toward health (Fill our phones with memes, quotes, pictures that keep us on the healthy side of thinking and living.)

Address

2415 Parview Road
Middleton, WI
53562

Opening Hours

Monday	12pm - 8pm
Wednesday	12pm - 8pm
Thursday	12pm - 8pm
Sunday	12pm - 8pm

Telephone

+16084093400

Website

https://shadowbackus.com/

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