10/29/2023
This one is a little tricky. When profiling, forensic evaluators do look at the ACE factors. ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. The higher the ACE score, the more likely the person will exhibit terrible social and emotional problems in their adult relationships. This includes the need to be in control, the need to be self-centered, the need to be inconsiderate, and little remorse for how their actions negatively impact you.
There is also the need to give into immediate gratification, which often leads to cheating or some other gratifying behavior like alcohol use, drug use, gambling, etc. Then, there is the need to unfairly discharge their irritation and anger on to you because they are upset with someone else or something else. Their weapon at this time is usually something that is emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. OR, they use neglect as their weapon of choice.
This next one is very important for you to understand. There is also the high need to keep tension/conflict going in the relationship. For example, everything's going well, y'all have recovered from the last problem, and then boom! Here comes another problem! The higher the ACE score, the more likely they are to methodically cause drama. Because when the environment is genuinely calm and peaceful, they feel uncomfortable and uneasy. So, they disrupt the peaceful moment by picking a fight over something trivial or by bringing up a problem from the past that was already resolved and laid to rest. They will commonly say things like, "I want peace. I'm looking for peace," but they are usually the reason the household isn't peaceful. Eventually, their need to disrupt the peaceful environment becomes so frequent that relationship problems become an everyday occurrence.
We all have childhood trauma. So, how do we date/marry if we all have a trauma history?
1. Stop trying to save folks. That's not your job. It's not your job to reparent someone else's child. It's exhausting, and it doesn't work. People who do this inadvertently end up with more trauma. Additionally, "they blink" and all of a sudden, they are acting in a similar manner to the abuser.
2. Only date/marry people who are doing the work. Walk away from the person who says he/she is "going to get some therapy." Walk towards the person who is in therapy. Walk away from the person who is saying, "I got to get myself back into church." Walk towards the person who is actively involved in church. Walk away from the person who is saying, "I need to get into a positive mentorship group for men/women." Walk towards the person who is in the mentorship group. If the person you are considering needs psychotropic medications to stablelize their mood, walk away from the person who is saying, "I have to get back on my meds." Walk towards the person who is already stable on their meds. The point: don't trust words, trust actions.
3. Have a time frame for when the relationship will come to an end should you not see meaningful changes. A person shouldn't have an open-ended pass on how long they can act a fool with you. Don't give them the time frame. The person with the high ACE score will fake it, while making you more emotionally dependent, and then when they think they've trapped you, BOOM, their true self will resurface.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
