Danka Bogott - The Married Couples Coach

04/16/2025

Here's the thing:

If you keep talking about your marriage to people who have gotten a divorce, once or twice - or are in the process of that -

You can't be surprised that's the only point of view you're seeing.
You can't be surprised that's the only kind of feedback you're gonna get.
The only way to look at your marriage.
And the only way to get out this painful place you're both in.

If that's NOT what you're going after - Who do you need to talk to instead?

Think about ONE such person, ONE such couple - and reach out to THEM instead.
Today.

04/15/2025

On a Scale of 1-10, how EASY is it to Talk to your spouse about MONEY???

Money conversations shouldn't stress you out.
They only stress you out because you don't know how to go about having them.
And when I say having them - I mean - Having them WELL.

Where both of you can, at the end of it, still engage in an evening fun activity, have dinner together without poking each other's eyes out OR go on a date to celebrate your successes.

Or your Tax Return :)

Rate yourselves -
Share with each other - AND -
In case you scored lower than 6 or 7, I'm happy to help.

04/14/2025

04/13/2025

This is where we found ourselves tonight.
A friend and neighbor invited us to a place -
She ended up being the LEAD SINGER in the BAND that performed tonight.
How fun is that.
It was SO nice - we sat OUTSIDE for a good chunk of it -
on APRIL 12th!!! - I know - Whaaaaat?
And we didn't even stay too late for our old age :) LOL

Whatcha up to on this lovely Saturday evening??

04/10/2025

Here's something to remember (or remind yourself of) on this lovely April Thursday:

If your husband, if your wife, approaches you and takes the time and the energy to share some feedback about some behavior of yours, along with a request for something different --

Here's why he, here's why she does that.
Here's what that means.

They care.

They care enough to be uncomfortable to say the hard thing because they want YOU TWO to be BETTER TOGETHER.

If they didn't - If they didn't care, if that's not what they were after, they wouldn't bother.

They wouldn't worry about you not doing this forever and a day.

They want for the sailing to be as smooth as possible - so they want you to know.

Because if you DON'T know - how the heck are you ever gonna change that by yourself?

You can't.

So the next time that your spouse approaches you about wanting to talk about something - just remember that.

They love you.
They care.
They want you two to be better yet than you've been up until now.

And you'll be able to love them for it.

04/09/2025

There are things that you do for your spouse that are hard.

Or maybe not your favorite thing in the world to do.

And then there are some that just are so easy to comply with.

I made some bread last night for dinner.

The house smelled delicious when my husband walked in.

We devoured the whole thing, no surprise there.

Some with our soup, some with butter and jam for dessert later.

As we are licking our fingers clean (the jam was kind of messy) --

He gave me this look - Can you, could you.... longingly... make this again.... tomorrow...?

Begging like a puppy for a treat.

What is one to do?

I made it again :)

Sometimes the thing that proves your love for each other is - Just that - A simple loaf of home-baked bread.

What's your guys' easy-mode love note for one another?

04/08/2025

Parenting Adult Children be Like...

Let me guess.

When you see your kids, and I mean your adult children, doing something you don’t see as fitting—say, they are not using their time wisely, or they stay too late at work in your opinion, they don’t pay enough attention to their kids, maybe they have a sitter for every single night of the week, and then again on the weekends so they can work more or so they can go out and party.

Or they spend too much money on the wrong things, in your opinion.

Maybe they stay up too late, wasting their time and energy on the wrong things, or they don’t eat the right food.

Or they feed their kids the wrong food.

Maybe they purchased the wrong car for their family, in your opinion.

It’s tempting, I know. 🙂

And because you can’t resist the urge, you say something.

You criticize them, you advise them to change their course of action.

You tell them how you feel about the said situation.

The problem is—they don’t take it in.

And you find yourself caught off guard by this.

But they don’t take it in because they didn’t ask.

They don’t react well.

They don’t apply your advice immediately because—you know why?

Their “feedback door” wasn’t open.

They didn’t ask for it.

No wonder we say, “It fell on deaf ears.”

Because they might as well be deaf.

So the next time you notice something about your adult children that’s not to your liking, before you open your mouth and give in to the urge, remember the IMO rule—the “In My Opinion” rule.

Ask yourself the question:

Did they ask for my opinion?

Did they ask for my advice?

Did they ask for the wisdom I have to offer about this issue or situation?

And if the answer to all of the above is no, remember:

Number one—they are adults.

Number two—no matter how convinced you are that you know a better way, this is your opinion.

And even if you’re NOT wrong, they aren’t going to be able to hear it.

Do you know someone who might have forgotten this truth?

Share this post with them before you forget to do it.

04/06/2025

It came up in a session with a couple of mine --AGAIN – So we need to talk about this.

Are you and your spouse – come Sunday night, Monday morning – saying to yourselves:

“Ugh, not again.

What a disaster of a weekend?”

If you don’t plan with your spouse what you want to get accomplished during your weekend, don’t be surprised that IT, on its own, doesn’t happen and becomes a disaster situation instead.

Think about it this way:

We don’t ever just get in the car and say:

“Let’s just drive.”

“Where do you want to drive?”

“I don’t know, let’s just drive, anywhere is fine.”

If that’s the approach, then we can’t be upset that we didn’t get to a particular place south of here or get to do a particular activity west from here.

In the same way, you can’t just put “ANYWHERE” into GPS and then be angry, yelling at SIRI that it didn’t take you to the airport or the beautiful park you wanted to check out for your next camping adventure.

Where you’re looking back at your weekend, realizing that neither one of you got to “those places” you wanted to go to –

This is WHY that happens.

You’re doing the equivalent of writing “ANYWHERE” into GPS.

And you’re surprised that it didn’t work.

Now, when I talk about the planning piece of it, that includes – or rather, REQUIRES – for YOU TWO to have a conversation about the weekend – yes, you guessed it –

IN ADVANCE.

So, if you and your spouse are, in fact, struggling with this, and you want to NAIL it going forward and stop being angry at each other every Monday morning or Sunday night, if you want to make sure THIS will be the last weekend where that happened, I walk you through it step by step.

04/05/2025

So many couples struggle with this piece.

Here’s the key to understanding:

It’s NOT asking your spouse, when you want to do something, it's NOT that you need to ask for permission.

When you want to do something, it is about making sure you consider the other person’s plans, their needs, their wants, and the family’s plans, needs, and wants, right?

If you have kids, but even if it’s just the two of you, you want to show up in a considerate way.

If you have a trip planned, or if you have some desire to do something, you run it by your spouse.

You don’t just make single-handed decisions about how you’re going to spend your time or how you’re going to spend your money.

You run it by each other so that you’re both on the same page.

That’s what creates closeness.

And as part of that conversation, you can share with them, and they will share with you.

Here’s why this is important:

Here’s why I need to or want to go somewhere for a week, for a weekend.

Like I just left for a week a few weeks back and left my family behind because I came to celebrate an 80th birthday of someone I love dearly back home.

I wouldn’t have missed it.

I am aware of who I am and what I am leaving my husband stuck with at home.

And I want to make sure that he’s going to be okay.

I don’t want to leave him in the dust.

I don’t want this to be a “Here’s what I am doing, and you deal with it, like it or not” situation.

That is NOT the approach, right?

When we bring it to the other person, when we bring it to one another, what makes it MEANINGFUL, what makes it CLOSENESS-BUILDING, is that we each get to say:

“This is what I'd like.
This is why this is important.
And this is why I want to participate in this.
This is why I want to show up to this – party, or this celebration of life.”

I want to be considerate.

Or I want to be considerate of my family and respectful of my husband and what he is doing.

I don’t want to ASSUME that it just works, so I am going to run it by him and say,

“Here’s what I’m thinking, here’s what that would mean for you.
You’re going to be ON all the time, right?”

If I am leaving in the middle of the school year and doing something like this, it is in my best interest to WANT to discuss it.

So, if you feel like either one of you is in that place of “I feel like this is being done TO ME and I have no say,” or someone is not considering you and the whole picture of your life, show them this message.

Share it with them.

Use it as a starting point.

Have a conversation with your spouse and talk about how you can change it going forward.

04/04/2025

HAPPY
SPRING
BREAK!!!

From our family to yours

04/03/2025

You want to build AND grow CONNECTION in your MARRIAGE?

If that's what you're looking for:

Here's habit No. five for a strong, connected relationship:

Laugh together—on purpose.

Life is heavy and marriage can feel like work sometimes.

Tell me I'm wrong.

(Life can also feel like work sometimes but THAT we expect.)

But -- couples who create the space and time to laugh together—
even for a few minutes every week —
create connection, joy, and safety.

Laughter lowers tension.

But that you knew.

But most importantly - It reminds you: We actually like each other.

So send the meme - BUT it has to be funny
Make the joke.
Watch something ridiculous together.

Go laugh with your person.

On purpose.

I want the neighbors or your kids to hear you.

And they'll come running in wanting to know - what's happening over here?

That's how you'll know you're doing it right. :)))

That is why I highly recommend this to my couples.

Try it out and let me know how it goes.

And - if you're already doing this - How DO you two do it? Do you have a favorite comedian you follow? A comedy/show you go back to?