11/20/2025
In life and business, it all comes back to bonding well.
When people have turbulent or dysfunctional relationships or personality, nearly all the reasons can be reduced to one or more wounded experiences that caused them to isolate out of shame, insecurity, or fear.
When we isolate from others or ourselves, we create the soil for emotional and psychological problems, which manifest in myriad ways. And we will do nearly anything to find safety and security from the possibility that others will hurt us again.
Emotional bonding with others is the first and most crucial stage to emotional and psychological growth. We must have relationships with others to be alive and reflect the image of God. To emotionally bond means having the safety and security to show up as our authentic selves without fear of rejection. Learning to emotionally bond means taking the risk to be vulnerable, which opens ourselves to the possibility of being hurt and wounded again. It's impossible to bond with others without risking our safety.
People who are highly perfectionistic or are "hard on themselves" usually have not bonded well with themselves. They reject the very parts of their persona that need healing and support. Their lack of self-bonding drives those parts into isolation, leading to self-loathing, anxiety, worry, or exhaustion from trying to measure up. I've met several people who live with worry, anxiety, and fear because they can't accept that certain parts of themselves are less than perfect.
There are five things we must own if we are going to bond with ourselves and develop a healthy separateness from others:
Beliefs
Attitudes
Behaviors
Feelings
Physical appearance
Just like you're responsible for mowing your own grass that is growing in your yard, these five elements are yours to manage. These parts will never be perfect, so accepting yourself as you are is the first step toward healing and wholeness. You are responsible for what you believe, the attitudes with which you behave, the effects on others of your words and actions (or silence and inaction), your feelings, and how you show up physically.
These five elements also contribute to our identity. When we make choices to please others, or make unwise choices in haste under circumstantial pressure, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to make true, honest choices. Only when we consider these five dynamics outlined above can we make a true choice that honors the various parts of our identity. To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all these aspects of our persona and how those aspects feed into any decision.
People who have bonded well with themselves, their spouses, and perhaps a few close friends live calmer, more purposeful, and more mature lives. These people are different, but it's often not apparent how. If you look under the hood, you'll find insecurities, fear, or shame do not drive them. They don't isolate. They feel safe in their own skin and in their key relationships. As a result, they are better spouses, better business owners, better friends, better community members or better at managing conflict than those who have not bonded well.
Bonding with God means showing up as we are. We don't try to clean ourselves up before we come to Christ; we come (as the old hymn says) "Just as I am." We find safety and security in Christ to be our authentic self with him - warts, faults, and all - because he has promised never to leave us or forsake us. Christ never rejects us. It is that foundation of acceptance and love from God that allows us to bond with ourselves and become all that God intends us to be.
Bonding with oneself (without becoming self-centered) is a competitive business advantage. It is the key to unlocking the solutions to one's marital conflicts. It is the way to move forward with confidence (not arrogance), and it is the reason we can love those with complex, abrasive personalities.
Each of us has been wounded in the past. Each of us needs healing. And each of us needs safety and security in our relationships. I encourage you to risk bonding with God, your spouse, and a few close friends. If you do, you'll find a new world will open up to you and your life will become richer and fuller than you ever thought possible.
Bill English, PhD, MDiv, MA, LP
