05/29/2020
“She is just so disrespectful.”
Out of all the descriptions I hear about children, this one still evokes a slight physical reaction from me. I heard it a lot as a child. I was chronically “disrespectful” to my parents. I talked (screamed, if I’m being honest) back, rolled my eyes, ignored them, and always walked away in a huff.
Why?
With my dad, I didn’t have a voice. It was his way or shame and punishment.
With my mom, I had too much of the voice. I was the parent and I, ultimately, was in charge.
Neither are comfortable feelings for children.
As a parent my internal speech works hard every day to change the way I look at my boys’ behavior. Respect is MUTUAL in a relationship. To “get” it, we must give it first. This is true in any relationship, not just parent-child.
In order to respect our children, we must TRUST that they really want to do well. They do. They really want to feel connected to us.
The “glitch” happens when our expectations exceed their skill set in that moment.
For example, their skill set to clean-up trains when it’s time to brush teeth is probably minimal. “Shifting gears” is a difficult skill in and of itself (Be honest, for adults too!).
Why would the child’s priority be to brush teeth when playing trains is so much fun?!
It’s not their priority. It’s your priority.
Since it’s not their priority, their brain filters it out, ignores it, puts it on the back burner.
That’s not disrespect. That’s human nature. Adults do this too!
So how do we “get” respect? We give it. We join our children in their play. We problem-solve before there’s a problem: “How can we keep your trains safe overnight?”
Thoughts?
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