03/11/2026
When kids Lie - By Claire Lerner
When Kids Lie: What it means and how to respond
Sawyer (5) cut the line for the slide at the playground. When I approached, to guide her to go back to her place, she started shouting at me that she didn’t cut. We got into this whole argument about whether or not she did something I witnessed with my own two eyes. She just dug in her heels deeper and deeper. It was insane. This kind of thing happens frequently—she’ll take her sister’s toy from her room and deny it. I don’t know what to do about this. Sometimes I worry I’m raising a sociopath!
Leon (6) takes his brother’s stuff, outright denies it, then we find it in his closet.
Eva (4) will tell us she washed her hands when we know she hasn’t. It devolves into a maddening argument over whether she did it or not.
While these are, indeed, all untruths, it’s important to interpret this behavior through the lens of development. Young children's moral reasoning is still heavily influenced by external consequences (e.g., avoiding punishment or pleasing adults) rather than an internal sense of morality. They lie to serve immediate needs, such as avoiding trouble or gaining attention. From a cognitive perspective, they don't fully grasp the broader social or relational impact of lying until they are closer to 8 years old. They are not purposefully being immoral.
Their evasive and defensive reactions when confronted about the “lie” are knee-jerk responses to the shame and discomfort of being called out. They deflect via denial, getting angry, running away, etc., to avoid the extreme discomfort of the conflict they are in. These are coping mechanisms, not signs of sociopathy.
What to do?
When you know for sure that your child is lying, don't ask. “You ate the cookies we were saving for later. That means you won’t be having one after dinner as planned.” Instead of (when you have proof positive they took the cookie), “Did you take the cookie? What is that chocolate all over your face?” That just backs them into a corner and often results in kids doubling down on their defense and digging themselves a deeper hole.
Ignore your child's protests and denials. Trying to get them to admit their wrongdoing or that they lied is just fodder for a fight. Kids double-down and get more dysregulated, not more rational or open to taking responsibility or learning from the experience.
Instead, acknowledge the emotional experience they are struggling with that led to the unwanted behavior and scaffold the correction with a natural consequence:
"It's hard to wait to go down the slide. I will help you wait your turn," as you guide your child back to their place.
"The toy has to go back to its owner. Do you want to give it back or should I return it? You decide."
"I know you don't like washing hands, but it's a have-to for health reasons. Do you want to use the sink or an anti-bacterial wipe?"
No need for a lecture or big correction, as scolding tends to result in kids' doubling-down on their denial and getting more vehement and dysregulated.
Avoid triggering shame and denial with responses like: "You know we don't cut in front of others, that's not nice or fair..." Or, “Why are you lying?” These reactions divert attention from the important lesson by instigating an irrational argument. It's also important not to call your child a "liar," as kids internalize these labels, which can lead to more shame and thus, deception.
The good news is that the limit is the lesson. By avoiding shaming, and imposing natural consequences, you ensure that the “lying” isn’t reinforced and doesn’t become an effective strategy for your child.
What About When Older Kids Lie?
I find the same approach works with older kids. Even though their lying may be more “intentional,” taking a shaming approach usually backfires for the same reasons described above.
Here’s a recent example.
Sasha (9) tells her moms, Avery and Jemma, that she has no homework. Then they get an email from her teacher that she has not turned in any homework all week.
While they are furious and disappointed, Avery and Jemma resist reacting with shame and punishment. Instead, they:
Explain to Sasha that they communicate with her teacher regularly because they are “team Sasha” and are committed to working together to ensure that she succeeds at school and reaches her potential. It’s not to get her into “trouble.” And, that the teacher has reported that Sasha has not been doing her homework and is concerned that this may impact her learning and ability to keep up. She wants to be sure that doesn’t happen and was eager to make a plan with them to support Sasha in following through on this responsibility.
They then share with Sasha the plan they collectively came up with that included:
Moms implementing a rule at home that in order to have any screen time, she needs to show that the homework is completed. Homework is a “have-to,” screen time is an “extra.” (If you don’t allow your child screen time during the week, substitute it with a different “extra.”
Whatever homework Sasha doesn’t bring in to school has to be made up in aftercare before she can play with her friends. (For kids who don’t go to aftercare, sometimes schools will hold the child back from a special to complete the work.)
Avery and Jemma share this very matter-of-factly, without fanning the flames or catalyzing defiance or defensiveness, ala: “Why are you lying to us. We can’t trust you if you lie.” In this way, they are avoiding the shaming and showing that the adults in her world care deeply about her and are going to take action to help her make better choices.
The next day, Sasha did her homework.
