12/03/2024
Let your partner into your inner world ❤️ be vulnerable in asking for the need. A complaint is an unmet and unexpressed need. How will you ever get the relationship you want & desire if you don’t take some risks and responsibilities?
In an intimate relationship, it’s so easy to fall into a binary, either/or mindset: either I ask for what I need (and risk being seen as demanding/needy/controlling) or I accept the status quo (and risk becoming resentful).
Asking for what you need in a relationship and honoring the relationship are not mutually exclusive.
When you ask for what you need, you can ensure that you are being relational (rather than self-serving) by adding a “because clause”:
* I would like you to text me good morning because it feels so good to know you’re thinking of me when we are apart.
* I would like you to plan a date for us because I feel really special when you surprise me.
* I would like you to consult me before making major purchases because it helps me feel like we’re on the same team.
The “because clause” gives your partner a window into your internal world - what you’re feeling, the meaning you’re making of their actions, and where your tender spots live.
The “because clause” is vulnerable and therefore relational.
If you notice yourself feeling some resistance to this idea (“I shouldn’t have to explain myself”), sit with that. Play it out. What are you worried your partner might do in the face of your vulnerable share? Is this founded in experience with this partner? Past trauma? Fear?
Resistance to the “because clause” may sound like this: “Ugh! It’s already so hard to ask for what I need. I just want to put it out there and be done with it. Voicing my need is already vulnerable. Enough already!”
But here’s the problem: If your ask lacks relationality and is more of a demand, then your partner’s resistance (which may be more about your approach than the ask itself) is going to be felt by you as confirmation that your needs cannot be met. A tragic self-fulfilling prophecy!