Haven Christian Counseling

09/29/2025

Shifting Perspective

Our perspective is based on the way we each individually interpret the things going on inside of us and around us. It is how we view the world and others. Most of our beliefs and narratives about life are based on past experiences. How we perceive a situation can affect our thoughts, emotions and actions. Depression and anxiety aren’t random. They’re reflections of perspective—how we interpret loss, stress, and trauma. Grief isn’t a disorder; it’s love expressed as pain. When we shift perspective, the story changes, and with it, the possibilities for healing comes.

Learning to shift negative perceptions to more positive ones can greatly improve our mental health. It is a skill that can be learned and practiced. Scripture suggests that we view things from a Godly perspective versus a worldly perspective. To “walk by faith, and not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7), and “to keep our minds fixed on things above.”(Colossians 3:2). God’s perspective is perfect and all encompassing, but our human view is limited. By fixing our eyes on Him, we can find hope even when we don’t fully understand what He is doing. We can even find purpose in pain.

Lord, may our perspectives be linked to Your wisdom, insight and the guiding work of the Holy Spirit. Help us to see things from Your perspective and beyond what is natural or understood.

09/23/2025

Is it just me, or does any one else struggle with general statements like, God is our protector? I believe God’s care and protection are real, but is it the kind of protection that I hope for or expect? I admit that I am cynical when reading verses like, “The LORD will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life.” Psalm 121:7 and “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you will not be burned and the flame will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2
How can I believe those verses when I think of all the children who perished in the flood. Those who have lost their lives in wild fires, or those who have been murdered in school shootings etc….. If God is our protector, why didn’t He protect all these innocent people? We want God to protect us from all bad things, but that is not how life works.
The fact is, God cares more about our spiritual health than our physical health. Our bodies are going to die. Our souls are going to live forever. And God’s ability to protect our souls from eternal judgment and eternal death is more significant than his ability to protect our bodies from disease or death. What does it mean that God protects us? Well, it can’t possibly mean that he shields us from all physical harm, traffic accidents, or even the loss of a loved one. Although, I know from stories and near accidents that He is able and has intervened more times than we know to prevent those things from happening. I also know His Word is true. So, His protection must involve something broader. Could it be that God protects our souls from the total destruction of the enemy. That He guards and guides us through the dark and mysterious unknown, because He knows the way? Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble," and Isaiah 41:10, reassures us, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God." These verses remind us that God’s presence is constant and He will support us in times of need.

09/18/2025

09/16/2025

Self-Blame Spiral

Ever wonder, why you blame yourself for everything? It gets tiring when you overanalyze and overthink everything. Past experiences from your childhood or trauma may have taught your brain to do this as a way of coping. Perfectionists have a tendency to get stuck in this cycle. I also see it in people who were made to feel responsible for others or who were parentified. The reason you stay stuck in this cycle has to do with your mind’s tendency to disguise rumination as “problem-solving.” You might be under the impression that you’re figuring out what went wrong or making sure you will not repeat a mistake. Sometimes blaming yourself means that you have the control to change it or prevent future harm. Therefore, you can fix the problem.

Romans 8:1
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

As Christians, we are to take responsibility for our actions, but not hold onto self-blame or condemnation which is harmful and leads to shame and sadness. We need to release it to God, ask for His help and receive His love and forgiveness.

Some steps to help stop the spiral:

1. Identify the blaming thought “I should have…..”
2. Ask 3 evidence questions: What evidence supports this blame? What evidence contradicts it? What would I say to a friend who said this?
3. Replace blaming thought with a more balanced thought “I did the best I could with what I knew in that moment”

09/11/2025

So excited to announce that I have a new assistant, her name is Sharon and she is wonderful!! Welcome Sharon!!

09/08/2025

Why do we judge others?

Judging others is our attempt to create a hierarchy of better than/less than, superior to/inferior to. We tend to judge others most harshly for things we don’t like or accept about ourselves — things that threaten our sense of self. It is often a mirror. Whatever you are judging someone else about is probably something you are judging yourself about, too. We also use our judgments about others to make the people we are judging responsible for how we feel. In other words, I would only ever feel better if she changed her behavior instead of me changing my judgment about her behavior.

The judgments we form create a low level stress and anxiety that is hard to get rid of. When we hold judgments about others, we hold on to negative emotions. We stay in an open state where we can be triggered over and over again by the same behavior. It can also become a habit. While it may make you feel better initially, it has no lasting or good outcome.

Matthew 7:1-5 — “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not— “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

As Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” So how do we stop judging others so we can start to fully embrace them and the world around us?

1. Be aware of your judgements. Pray and ask the Lord to help you. Catch yourself and say “STOP’ keep log, use rubber band etc….
2. Monitor your thoughts. Think about what you are thinking about. Look for the positive. Judgments are negative. …Stop stereotyping. ...
3. Stop judging yourself. …don’t beat yourself up, embrace and love yourself.
4. Focus on your own life. …You can’t change others, only yourself. Judging others takes up time and effort better spent on bettering yourself.
5. Remember how it feels to be judged.
6. Observe without evaluating, think the best or find something good
7. Ask yourself “what about me right now is making me feel this way?” or “what’s going on with me that I’m judging this person for this thing?”
8. Focus on Gratitude
Put yourself in their shoes
Don’t take it personally, it is not about you

09/08/2025

09/02/2025

The Performance-Failure Dichotomy

No one likes to feel like a failure. But, it can also be terrifying to succeed. Having people focused in on you, congratulating you, and complimenting you can be uncomfortable. Or, maybe they diminish your success by saying they could do it better, or by making fun of you and attacking anything short of their perceived perfection. It can feel very vulnerable to stand out. Fear of failure, fear of success, what’s a person to do? It all seems so risky!

Those fears showed up for the first time once in the distant past when you were forming your expectations for yourself and others were forming their expectations of you. You made some conscious and unconscious decisions back then about what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. You tied those expectations to your sense of self-worth and value. Falling short of those expectations can feel awful. Like you’re not worthy of your own compassion and kindness. Our autonomic nervous system(ANS) is activated by those achingly terrible feelings of fear, rejection or shame.

But, if you learn to lean into those feelings rather than reacting to them, you can learn how to calm this survival response and instead activate the parts of your nervous system responsible for calm, reason, and well-being. When you practice a different way of assessing your efforts, rather than judging them as either all good or all bad, you’ll inevitably get better at finding a more positive outlook.

In Ephesians 2:8-9, it says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

Therefore, as Christians, we understand that it is not about being “good enough” on our own terms, but about accepting and living in the grace and righteousness that Christ has provided for us. We are called to live a life that reflects our faith in Christ, striving to do good works out of gratitude for what Christ has done for us, rather than trying to earn our worth through our own efforts.

08/26/2025

Learning to Embrace Discomfort

Ginny Rometty, CEO of IBM, while reflecting on her career said, “Growth and comfort do not coexist.” Recently I felt like the Lord told me he wanted me to work on learning how to embrace discomfort rather than avoiding it, probably because he knows I love peace and feeling secure. So, I have been forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone. I have to say that I am growing, despite feeling really uncomfortable doing many of the things that I have avoided for so long! When we avoid discomfort, we limit ourselves. We often will go to great extremes in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable, won’t we? Our minds crave predictability because the unknown feels like a threat. It is natural for us to want to avoid things that cause us stress, but while this may provide short-term relief, over time our fears can grow making them even harder to manage down the road. In Psychiatry we use Exposure Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help treat anxiety. The principle is basically to move toward the pain in order to increase your “zone of flexibility.” You gradually and safely face what is causing you fear or discomfort. The premise is that over time this diminishes the power of those fears and helps you to build greater resilience. It works, but I find it interesting that the drop out rate for people with PTSD is about 50 percent for this type of therapy. It’s hard work and takes courage, but scripture is clear that it makes us stronger.

James 1:2-4 says,
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Steps to Embrace Discomfort:

1. Reframe the discomfort- turn something negative into something positive
2. Have those difficult conversations
3. Face your fears- do it afraid!
4. Resist distraction
5. Get Support- I recently heard of a “girls night” where they all confessed something they had been avoiding and decided to hold each other accountable to face what they were avoiding before their next get together.

08/20/2025

Looking forward to doing this training and offering ART in my practice.

08/14/2025

7. Victim Mentality

One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. When we feel sorry for ourselves or wallow in self-pity, we get stuck. People who see themselves as victims have a strong tendency to ruminate on all the times, ways, and relationships that have let them down or done them wrong. They get stuck in a cycle of hopelessness, powerlessness, and despair. Sometimes there is even some secondary gain involved for them staying a victim in that they get sympathy, attention or care from others. I am NOT suggesting that we ever dismiss or invalidate the suffering people have endured. Most of us have been victimized. I often tell my patients that there must be something very special about them to still be functioning and growing despite all that they have been through. There is a difference between self-compassion and self-pity. Self-compassion is treating yourself kindly. Self-compassion fosters resilience and growth. Self-pity leads to chronic negativity and “poor me” mindset. Being a victim is not a choice, but remaining a victim is a choice.

When we indulge in self-pity, we have elevated our importance in our own eyes. Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.” We are thinking too highly of ourselves when we allow life’s hurts and injustices to dictate our emotional state. David often poured out his heart to God in the Psalms, expressing his pain and struggles. However, he didn't wallow in self-pity. Instead, he sought God's help, remembered His faithfulness, and found comfort in His presence.

08/08/2025

“Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”
- Mother Theresa