10/07/2025
When Helping Hurts:: 10 Signs It's Not Love, It's Codependency
How to love people without losing yourself.
You want to be kind. You want to be there. But if ābeing thereā keeps costing you your peace, your sleep, your money, and your sanityāand the other person isnāt growingāyour help may be hurting.
As a therapist and a mom who has walked through storms, Iāve learned this: love heals, but rescue can quietly destroy. Below is a simple, compassionate guide to spot the differenceāand practice healthier ways to care.
What we mean by ācodependencyā --
Codependency is when your sense of worth, safety, or identity becomes overly tied to another personās moods, choices, or needs. You start managing, fixing, smoothing, rescuing, and you call it ālove.ā But it often enables the problem to continueāand leaves you depleted.
10 signs helping has turned into hurting:
1) You solve problems the other person created.
You call the teacher, pay the fine, make the excuses, redo their work.
Try instead: āI care about you. Iām confident you can handle the consequences. Iām here to support healthy choices.ā
2) Youāre anxious unless theyāre okay.
Your peace rises and falls with their texts, tone, or relapse.
Try instead: Notice the urge to check. Breathe. Pray. Choose one grounding action (walk, journal, call a safe friend) before responding.
3) You say āyesā when your body says āno.ā
You feel the tight chest, clenched jawāthen agree anyway.
Try instead: āI need to think/pray about this and get back to you.ā (Then actually get back with a clear yes/no.)
4) You carry secrets that keep the cycle going.
You cover for them at work, church, or school.
Try instead: Protect safety and truth. āI wonāt lie to protect choices that harm you.ā
5) You mistake crisis for intimacy.
The only time you feel close is when theyāre melting down and youāre the hero.
Try instead: Build connection during non-crisis moments: walk, cook, laugh, pray. Real intimacy grows in calm.
6) Your time, money, and energy are consistently hijacked.
Emergencies keep outranking your health, goals, and relationships.
Try instead: Set a budget (time and money) for what you can give without resentment.
7) You coach, lecture, and arrangeābut they donāt change.
Youāre doing all the work; theyāre doing all the deciding.
Try instead: Shift responsibility back. āI believe in your ability to figure this out.ā
8) Boundaries feel mean.
You equate ānoā with abandonment.
Try instead: Remember: boundaries define where love can stay. They are doors, not walls.
9) You feel persistent guilt or anger.
Resentment is a boundary alarm.
Try instead: Ask, āWhere did I say yes to something I donāt own?ā Repair with a new limit.
10) You confuse control with care.
You manage details to avoid your own fear.
Try instead: Grieve what you canāt control. Ask God for courage to hold your line and keep your heart soft.
A 60-second self-check (be honest, be kind)
Mark yes or no:
I feel responsible for fixing other peopleās feelings or outcomes.
I regularly ignore my bodyās ānoā to keep the peace.
I carry secrets or make excuses to protect someoneās image.
My mood depends on how they are doing.
Iām often resentful after I help.
Iām afraid theyāll leave or fail if I stop rescuing.
I spend more time planning their life than living mine.
I call love āloyalty,ā but it mostly feels like fear.
Iām exhausted and still feel like itās not enough.
I feel guilty when I take care of myself.
If you circled 3 or more āyesā answers: Your help may be drifting into codependency. Nothing is āwrongā with you. It means itās time to reset how you loveātruthfully, safely, and with dignity for both of you.
Boundary scripts you can use today
(Adjust names and details to your situation. Calm tone, short sentences, breathe.)
To a loved one who wants money you canāt give:
āIām not able to fund this. I can help you brainstorm options.ā
To an adult child asking you to fix a deadline:
āIām stepping back from school/work calls. You can handle this, and Iām cheering you on.ā
To a partner who uses guilt:
āI love you. I wonāt be spoken to that way. Iāll come back to the conversation when itās respectful.ā
To a friend who only reaches out in crisis:
āI care about you. Iām available Thursday at 4 for a call. If this is an emergency, please contact a hotline or local support.ā
To someone pushing past your no:
āIāve already answered. The answer is no.ā
To a situation that needs a boundary + consequence:
āIf [behavior] continues, I will [action]. I hope we donāt get there.ā
Tip: A boundary without a consequence is a hope. A boundary with a consequence is a plan.
This weekās tiny plan (7 days, 10 minutes each)
Day 1 ā Notice:
Write one sentence: āWhere did I help in a way that cost me peace?ā
Day 2 ā Body cue:
List the physical signal your body gives when youāre overriding your āno.ā
Day 3 ā One script:
Choose one script above. Say it out loud to a mirror until it feels natural.
Day 4 ā Support circle:
Text a safe friend: āIām practicing new boundaries this week. Can I check in after a hard conversation?ā
Day 5 ā Replace rescue:
When the urge to fix hits, pause and choose one supportive alternative: listen, pray, reflect back, or name options.
Day 6 ā Stewardship check:
Set a giving budget (time/money/energy) for this month.
Day 7 ā Celebrate a win:
Note one moment you honored your boundary. Thank God for the strength.
Faith note for tender hearts
Jesusās love was fiercely compassionate and perfectly placed with boundaries. He healed many; He didnāt heal everyone on demand. He said clear yeses and clear nos. Loving like Jesus includes truth, limits, and mercyātogether.
If youāre in danger
If someoneās behavior is violent, coercive, or threatening, your safety comes first. Contact local authorities, a domestic violence hotline, or a trusted professional immediately. Boundaries are not meant to be practiced alone in unsafe situations.
Declaration:
āI can be compassionate and clear. My no is loving. My yes is honest. I release what isnāt mine and steward what is.ā
Ā© Raina Shephard. Youāre welcome to share this article with credit and a link back to rainashephard.com.
