Most of the time we're told that our codependency is selfish, its a flaw, it is who we are, or it is some kind of disease we have to cope with and manage.
We're shamed for our codependency. To me, that is utterly ironic! I will show you why in a second.
Back to that question: Could it be that your codependency is a result of brilliance?
What if that were true?
What possibilities become possible for you?
What kind of feelings come up with this point of view?
Here are a few other questions: What if you didn't need to fix your codependency?
What if that isn't even the real problem?
What if all that you've been taught has actually added TO the problem and NOT the solution you've wanted?
These are the questions I started asking after going through a major break-up with a woman I was deeply in love with.
You see, I had thought I'd healed my codependency because I was managing my anxiety, managing my sense of loneliness, I (thought) I was asking for what I wanted, and I was feeling better than I ever had.
That all changed when I got a facebook message from my then-girlfriend.
"I'm done. You're up to your eyeballs in victimhood and don't even see it."
This shattered my world. I was facing my biggest nightmare: losing the girl I loved.
But, unknown to me, I was only a few months away from breaking totally free of my codependency.
You see, I bought into the idea that I had a disease called "codependency". This led me to TOLERATE my own emptiness, loneliness, shame, and bad life skills. I didn't think I could actually be better than where I was at. So I built a life around managing the codependency because I didn't think I could be anything more.
I thought I was thriving. I was actually SUFFERING from COPING.
But that heart-crushing pain that swallowed me up as I stared at those words caused me to start questioning this.
"Am I codependent? Or is this something else?"
Just a side note: This was the darkest, lowest point of my life. Fiscally, I was in deep debt. My car would be repoed just weeks later. My business was failing. I had lost friendships and was really lost in my life. I also had gotten used to questioning people's claims about things.
This time that questioning went after this idea that I couldn't heal from codependency.
I could see a possibility. "What if I'm better than this behavior?" was the first question that I applied to my exploration.
The second was, "What if all my needs and wants are innately good, but how I get them is where the problem is?"
^ This question unleashed it all. It was like a mental nuclear explosion.
"What if codependency was actually HOW I was trying to get my needs met?"
"What if I didn't need to be codependent to get them met?"
"Would my needs and wants to be treated differently by different people?"
I took the next twelve months and did some revealing experiments.
I assertively shared my desires. I brought up my complaints in direct, clear, and simple ways. I owned my mistakes WITHOUT shaming myself. I let people judge me without me absorbing it.
I found that:
1) Healthy people love to know what I need and want and are willing to connect with me that way
2) Unhealthy people shun, shame, and ridicule needs and wants (thus making that person toxic to my happiness)
3) Codependency was how I survived #2
4) I really wasn't a burden, a problem, or broken. Those were excuses that the toxic people made up to justify their neglect and abuse.
It wasn't till a while later, during a client call, that it hit me. "Hey, your codependency is brilliant. Just think about it. Your mind was so sharp, so clear, and so creative and attuned that it could anticipate the other person's feelings, needs, and wants, and reactions to such a degree that you managed to find some peace, some love, some control in a sea of chaos."
Codependency wasn't a disease. It wasn't a problem to solve. It was a brilliant survival strategy.
This doesn't mean it is compatible with HAPPY or HEALTHY relationships, though. It does mean it is a viable strategy for tolerating a toxic person until you can get the heck out!
This is why your codependency is a manifestation of your brilliance and NOT something to be shamed for.
If you're seeking your freedom, happiness, and peace, and therapy, self-help, or coping isn't working, you need to take the Masterclass below. It outlines the core cause of codependency, reveals to you the invisible relationship you've been trying to survive, and gives you the 3-stage Journey that ends your need to be codependent and ignites your confidence, freedom, and happiness.
Take the Masterclass here: https://masterclass.freetheself.com
