12/10/2021
I recently wrote this post for a group I admin, to help the group become more accessible to all neurotypes. Feel free to share this post with other groups who may find it useful!
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This is an official post from all of the admins, not a personal post from me. Please leave a reaction emoji to indicate you’ve read this post and agree to the guidelines.
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Y’all. We need to talk about some things that are killing the learning opportunities in this group.
WE. ALL. HAVE. TO. DO. BETTER.
This is going to be blunt. If you’re finding yourself reacting to this post, it’s a great time to begin practicing the guidelines below.
This group is, first and foremost about neurodiversity education. It’s about helping people who aren’t familiar with the concept of neurodiversity learn about it on a basic level, and working together to expand our knowledge and understanding of the beauty and complexity of neurodiversity.
Also, this is a group about ALL neurodiversity. Not just autism. Not just ADHD. Not just neurotypical. ALL forms of neurodiversity, even being neurotypical is welcome here. We are here to break away from the oppressive molds of all forms of supremacy and uplift each other.
In this group, people will use non-specific language. People will read tone when it’s not there. People will be blunt. People will speak without detail in a way that can confuse. People will have feelings. All of this is valid. Please be extra mindful about how you are engaging with the group when these kinds of rocky moments crop up.
There’s been a particularly frequent pattern of interactions that leads to hurt feelings and group problems. All of these interactions have included at least one of the following:
• Assuming we know what other people mean instead of asking for clarification (especially if we think they’re saying something unkind or ableist)
• Reading meaning into others’ words
• Insisting on “perfect” wording
• Rapid-fire responses that don’t allow slower processors and AAC users to effectively participate in the conversation
• Posting quickly/impulsively
• Poorly managing our own emotional dysregulation
• Denial/dismissal/minimization of others’ lived experience and/or identities
• Assuming others don’t have lived experience if they don’t outright say they do
• Using mean and/or mocking styles of communication
• Placing ableist assumptions and beliefs on others
In this group, we talk about difficult, often traumatizing topics. I also know that many/most (all?) of the members of this group have experienced some degree of trauma from being misunderstood or mislabeled; having our experiences ignored, dismissed, or minimized; and being projected upon. So we’re all walking around in a field of emotional land mines, both our own and others’, and there’s unfortunately no way to avoid them all.
Still, we have to *try.*
Even more damaging is that the pattern of interactions I named above disproportionately affects people who are slower processors, those who use AAC, and those who have difficulty translating ideas into “the right words.” As a result, our group is losing out on those members’ viewpoints, and sometimes, losing those members entirely.
Moving forward, we need all group members to do the following:
1. SLOW THE F*** DOWN
If you’re tempted to reply, rapid-fire, to someone because something they’ve said has gotten you riled up, or if the response you’re about to post is mean, sarcastic, attacking, etc. (including passive-aggressive laugh reacts), WALK AWAY BEFORE POSTING. Take a deep breath. Go drink a glass of water. Exhale at least three times. Do whatever you need to for your nervous system to move out of fight/flight and back towards grounded and regulated. THEN respond.
2. EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES FOR POSTING
Ask yourself: “Am I posting this because I need support for my own distress? Or am I trying to help further the knowledge about neurodiversity within this group?” If it’s both, ask yourself “How much is for me personally and how much is for the group’s benefit?”
It’s OK to ask for support and to share experiences — but — if that’s most of what you’re posting about, please consider the likelihood that you need additional resources beyond what this group is able to offer.
3. GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
When you’re reading something, ask yourself how what they’re saying *might* make sense to them in their lives. If you have to make an assumption, assume they’re NOT trying to be an jerk, and see if you can work towards clarifying what they’re saying.
4. AVOID ASSUMPTIONS
If someone says something that strikes you as “mean” or “off” - instead of reacting to what you BELIEVE they meant, CHECK FOR UNDERSTANDING! The two easiest ways to do this are to ask them what they meant, or to conjecture what you think they meant and ask them if your understanding is accurate.
5. ASK ABOUT LIVED EXPERIENCE
If a person hasn’t stated they have lived experience of a certain phenomenon, ASK THEM IF THEY DO. Don’t just assume they don’t, and then behave as if your assumption is accurate. Some people don’t want to disclose, but some people don’t offer that information because they don’t know it’s OK to do so and/or they’ve been programmed not to offer that kind of info.
6. CALL FOR ADMIN HELP
There’s no such thing as asking for admin help too early. There is DEFINITELY such a thing as asking for admin help too late. You can call for admin help most easily by typing , but you can also tag each of us individually if you wish.
(Pro tip: Tagging only one of the admins by name will likely get a slower response unless you’ve also typed ).
7. LEARN, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, and APOLOGIZE
Messing up happens, and the repair afterwards is really important to the group’s health.* If you have a misunderstanding with someone else, do your best to learn about how YOU could have participated in the interaction better. Take responsibility for the impact you have on other people** by expanding your thinking to learn about their point of view and experience. And if someone was injured by your behavior, apologize.
* A NOTE ABOUT BLOCKING PEOPLE
It’s become really common in social media to block people who trigger you. If at all possible (meaning, we acknowledge sometimes it's necessary), please do not block people within this group. Instead, please make use of admin assistance to help resolve the conflict. More often than not, there’s useful learning in the interaction for both parties, but both parties need to stay in the conversation for that learning to happen.
If one or more of the admins are part of the conversation that is distressing to you, please give that feedback directly to that admin. You’re also welcome to reach out to one or both of the other admins for help with resolving the situation. The admin team are humans too, and we screw up, but all three of us are more than willing to listen to you and own our mistakes.
All that being said, the ONLY time you will be removed from the group for blocking someone is if you block an admin, because that keeps us from being able to do our job.
** IMPACT VS. INTENT
In many arenas of communication around diversity and inclusion, IMPACT is elevated over INTENT, because of the amount of harm that can unwittingly be done. However, when it comes to neurodivergent communication styles, we need to give credence to BOTH impact AND intent. Because ONLY focusing on impact is ableist.
[Formatted to be screen-reader accessible. Image description: A green background with white and yellow star patterns, with a white and yellow megaphone pointing to a yellow circle which reads “group announcement! please read” in green and white lettering.]
