08/11/2024
Blake, 40, grew up in a home with both her parents until they divorced when she was 10.
Her parents grew apart and disagreed on what they wanted for the future. But, they were conscious enough to put Blake’s emotional needs first. Knowing that the way they dealt with the conflict and separation would be the foundation of how she’d deal with conflict in her adult relationships.
Both her parents had been raised to understand emotional regulation. They took breaks when conflicts escalated. And they both went to other adults to vent— not Blake. She learned conflict does not mean an explosion and how to have difficult conversations.
When her father did lose his temper, he’d take time to cool off then knock on Blake’s bedroom door. “I’m really sorry I screamed like that. I’m under a ton of stress, but that doesn’t make my behavior ok and I’m actively working on changing it.” Because of his ability to repair, Blake learned that men are trustworthy. That when they do act in harmful ways, they’re accountable.
This modeling showed Blake how to be both empathetic and accountable— aware of her own behavior. It also showed her people’s bad behavior is their own responsibility to fix.
Her mother was devastated around the divorce. She cried openly, showing Blake that human emotions are a natural part of life. She took care of herself through the divorce— going on walks, cooking for herself, and letting herself rest. Blake learned resilience and strength.
Decades later, her parents can still be respectable to each other, and at events together. They live very spare lives but she knows how much they both care about her and support her no matter what. She can share openly with them, they take interest in her life, and she has a partner who does the same.
Blake has been gifted with the privilege of self aware and regulated parents. They’re imperfect. They made plenty of mistakes. But their emotional responsibility gave Blake the confidence and resilience she has today