10/23/2024
IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!
Silent Retreat Musings ✨
Night One: Where Presence Meets Discomfort 🌿
Silent retreats sound peaceful, right? The truth is, they’re actually really loud — when you finally have the space to listen to yourself. 💭
Let me tell you, night one was a wild ride. 🤯
(Read on for my full “Night One” journal entry)
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I’m noticing all the places I’m trying to hide. All the cracks and crevices I’m trying to escape Presence through.
It’s so interesting to be an Observer of this.
I’ve caught myself grabbing my phone and opening up social media apps, finding myself scrolling (only to find there’s no internet and the pages won’t load).
This is a habit that has been ingrained so deeply - so successfully - I was unconscious to it until now. What a wake up call.
15 times tonight...
Every time it happens I put my phone back down, telling myself “We don’t do this here…” yet a minute or two goes by and my hand seems to work on its own accord.
If an unconscious pattern like picking up and scrolling our phones is so deeply ingrained like this, I wonder what else is there to uncover?
We’re only at night one.
I also find myself witnessing my inner critic, voicing concerns. Lots of “shoulds” today since arriving. I got should on a lot... 😅
I should be less talkative, I should be more quiet, I should ask a question to the group, oh wait… if you do that then you’re just being performative, you attention-seeking whore…
Second-guessing everything… what even is real?
I’m here now, sitting on the floor of my one-room tiny cabin shower, trying to shave my legs. All because my inner critic told me I SHOULD do it, because I haven’t in a while, and because tomorrow will be warm and I’ll want to wear shorts and I’m going to be in the group, and someone will see me and judge me for having hairy legs…
Wait. STOP. Like what?!?!
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At a silent retreat... where we’re all supposed to be going within ourselves and minding our own business... literally NOT interacting with each other or noticing things about each other like that at all?
Inner Critic: “Yep… even with that, you should shave your legs right now. It makes the most sense. You need to shower anyway. Not do what you actually want to do, which is relax in your room and get ready for bed.”
The water spout is a bit cockeyed and has a few spigots gone astray, pointing in different directions 💦 so no matter where I sit, water sprays in my eyes, dripping down my face.
Getting frustrated with the spigots gone wild, I sit there on the linoleum, thinking to myself, “I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I DON’T WANT TO BE SHAVING MY LEGS RIGHT NOW! I CAN DO IT LATER!”
Inner Critic: “You sure? You can’t just shave one leg and leave the other not done.”
Inner Perfectionist: “OMG NOOOO WE CAN’T! JUST DO IT QUICK, PLEASEEEEEE, FOR ME!”
Me: “Fine. But I’m not going to take time on it. Just a quick few swipes and you get what you get. Then I’m hopping out and writing all of this interaction down because I think it would be pretty interesting for myself to reflect on and for others to witness.”
In Unison: “K”
So here I am… finally relaxed, laptop open, typing in my Notes App with the dark theme (I always choose the dark theme. I AM a Scorpio moon after all...) 😏
So that’s Day 1.
Earlier when we began the silent part of the retreat (dinner was talking and we did introductions, but after that, we went into meditation then silence) we were invited by our mentor to not interact with each other at all. Like, even passing by on the trail, stay in our own inner world and awareness, and notice what comes up with that as deeper medicine.
This triggered something in me hardcore.
But wait… I am the charismatic entertainer! I am the one who always FILLS the empty space, bringing joy, kindness, excitement, and wisdom to everyone! Surely I can acknowledge the person by meeting their eyes with a sweet smile, helping them feel seen and heard, and helping myself stay rooted in deep people-pleasing and codependency… right?
RIGHT?!
Who am I without that?
These tendencies flared up on an ancestral level and my body physically began stirring. Cracking my knuckles. Whoops, maybe I should stop that… it’s a silent meditation and people can hear. Am I being rude?
Okay, let’s do something silent then… roll your neck. Rub your temples. Massage your jaw. Settle into this space.
I started thinking about Aidan and singing my sweet baby a lullaby in my head, repeating over and over again “I love you my baby, your mama’s here”.
It became my chant. My safety blanket. My lullaby of longing. 💜
Then I realized what I needed to do was sing it to myself.
“I love you my baby, your mama’s here” 🎵🎶
You’re safe, Jourdan.�You can do this.�Just be.�Just witness the noise.�Let it be.�Get curious with it.�Befriend it.�Love it.
If you don’t make it wrong, and give it unconditional love and presence, what happens then?
To be continued…
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