Irina Wen, Touchstone Psychology

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Irina Wen, Touchstone Psychology

Psychotherapy, Couples and Individual Therapy, Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor

03/18/2026

If you’ve heard of EFT for couples but aren’t sure what it actually is — this one’s for you.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the most well-researched approaches to couples therapy — and it’s at the heart of how we work with couples at Touchstone Psychology.

When we work with couples, we focus on:
✓ Understanding the cycle of disconnection that keeps you stuck
✓ Going to where the real pain lives — in the body, in the moment between you and your partner
✓ Helping both partners express what they’re really feeling underneath the anger, frustration and defensive as
✓ Creating new, connecting emotional experiences together — in real time in the room

EFT works because it prioritizes our deep, primal need to feel securely connected to the people we love. When that bond feels threatened, we react by protesting and fighting for connection with anger or shutting down and protecting ourselves from disconnection.

EFT helps couples recognize that pattern — and change it by going deeper and learning to share and respond to more vulnerable experiences and feelings. The research shows it’s effective for most couples, including those in significant distress.

Do you have questions about EFT? Drop them in the comments.

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03/17/2026

What Your Anger Is Protecting

Emotions, including anger, are powerful signals. If we learn to attune to their message, we can learn to communicate more clearly. It is definitely not easy, but so important when we care about our relationship.

When couples come to see me, they often describe their partner as “always angry” or “constantly criticizing.” But anger — especially in love — is almost always a surface emotion. It’s loud because it’s protecting something much softer and more vulnerable underneath.

Beneath the anger, there is often:
→ Fear (“I’m losing you”)
→ Hurt (“I feel invisible to you”)
→ Longing (“I miss our connection”)
→ Shame (“I feel like I’m failing”)

These feelings are harder to say out loud. They make us feel exposed and vulnerable. So they come out as frustration, as sarcasm, as shutting the door too hard. In EFT, we call these “secondary” emotions. They’re real — but they’re covering something more primary, more tender.

The goal is to shift the conversation from “secondary” protective emotions to sharing vulnerable emotions. When one partner risks showing what’s under the anger, the other partner often also softens. Not because the problem is solved — but because suddenly, they can see each other again.
Vulnerability brings us closer.
Protective anger pushes us apart.
What might your anger be protecting?

03/12/2026

Inside every fight over a kitchen sink there is an emotional dance of our attachment longings and needs. When will nag our partner about dishes, or get upset about division of labor in the house, or childcare, or anything else, we are asking “Are you there for me?” “Do I matter to you?”

When the partner responds with defensive anger or shut down, they’re saying “I can never get it right,” “I am failing,” “Am I not enough?”

In EFT, we call these the raw spots — tender places where we feel most vulnerable in love. We all have them! Those raw spots get activated easily, especially when we feel disconnected and not truly seen, heard, or understood.

The argument you’re having on the surface is rarely the real argument. Next time you find yourself fighting about something that feels small but hurts a lot — ask yourself: what am I really afraid of right now?

That’s usually where the real conversation begins.

03/11/2026

You’re not fighting each other. You’re both fighting the disconnection.

This is a typical cycle in couples. One partner reaches — louder, more urgently, sometimes in ways that feel like criticism or blame. The other pulls back — goes quiet, shuts down, maybe leaves the room.

From the outside, it looks like one person is “too much” and the other is “checked out.” But here’s what I see in my work with couples: Both people are scared. Both are trying — in opposite directions — to feel safe and close.

This is what we call the negative cycle in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). And it’s not a character flaw. It’s an attachment dance — a pattern that makes perfect sense when you understand what’s underneath it.

The pursuer is saying: “I need to know you’re still here.” The withdrawer is saying: “I don’t want to make things worse.”

Same fear. Different moves.
When couples start to see the cycle — not each other — as the problem, everything shifts.
What does your cycle look like?

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02/28/2026

If you are a healer, please remember
That your heart also needs care.
Tend to it like the most precious instrument
Through which you offer your music to the world.
Recharge and restore,
Nurture yourself from within.
Chant and sing and may the sound cleanse you.
Move and dance and may your body come alive.
Be still and sit in silence -
As it is in silence that the universe unfolds like a fresh lily inside your heart.

10/21/2025

Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-love and self-care.

Setting healthy boundaries means being able to tune into our feelings and needs instead of ignoring them; to say “yes” when it feels aligned; to say “no” or “not now” when the internal response is of tension and restriction.

Knowing how to set boundaries helps us not to betray ourselves and to stay aligned with what is importantly to us.

09/11/2025

The deepest wounds often come from those matter most to us — moments when we felt unseen, unheard, or unsafe with someone we trusted. These relational wounds can shape how we view ourselves and how we show up in relationships, creating patterns of protection that once served us but may now keep us stuck.

But here’s the profound truth: the very space where we experienced pain can also become the space where we find healing.

In therapy, I witness this transformation regularly. Couples learning to turn toward each other instead of away. Individuals discovering that vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s the bridge to genuine intimacy and authenticity. Partners creating new experiences together that slowly overwrite old hurts and heal old wounds.

Healing happens when we feel truly seen and accepted, when someone stays present with us through our pain, when we experience safety in being fully ourselves.

Your past relational wounds don’t have to dictate your future connections. With awareness, courage, and often professional support, you can create relationships that nurture rather than wound—relationships that become sanctuaries for your authentic self.

08/24/2025

We’re living through unprecedented times - constant news cycles, global conflicts, and social media overwhelm. Our nervous systems are working overtime to process it. Grounding yourself isn’t selfish. It’s essential. The goal isn’t to avoid all stress - it’s nervous system FLEXIBILITY. Being able to activate when needed, then reset and recharge when it’s time to create and connect.

Which practice resonates most with you? Let me know in the comments 👇

—

07/19/2025

I feel so blessed to work with this amazing team of therapists at ❤️. We spent an afternoon co-creating, tapping into our natural expression, and building unity. Thank you Creative Art Therapy Place for facilitating such fun process!

07/14/2025

You don’t have to AGREE with your partner to VALIDATE their feelings.

❌ “You’re being too sensitive about this.” ✅ “I can see this really matters to you.”

❌ “That’s not how I remember it.” ✅ “It sounds like you felt hurt when that happened.”

Validation says: “Your feelings make sense, and I want to understand.”
Agreement says: “I think you’re right.” 💙

Try this today: Validate one feeling your partner shares, even if you see things differently.

07/11/2025

💕 The secret to lasting love isn’t perfection—it’s A.R.E.

Accessibility: “Are you there for me?” Responsiveness: “Can I count on you?” Engagement: “Do I matter to you?”

When partners feel secure in these three areas, love doesn’t just survive—it thrives. ✨

Which A.R.E. element feels strongest in your relationship? Which one needs some attention?

07/10/2025

I had such a wonderful time teaching the webinar “Creating Lasting Love: The Essential Building Blocks of a Secure Relationship” yesterday. Thank you to everyone who joined! If you missed it, no worries, you can still grab the recording. And stay tuned for future offerings by signing up to my newsletter (link in bio).

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New York, NY

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http://www.touchstonepsychologynewyork.com/

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