Alana Carvalho Therapy - The Codependent Perfectionist

Alana Carvalho Therapy - The Codependent Perfectionist A series on the dynamics of codependency and perfectionism.

Self identified as the Codependent Perfectionist, Alana gives you a mix of psychoeducation and anecdotes from her own work as a therapist to understand how theseissues play out in everyday life. Alana Carvalho is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, Substance Abuse Counselor, and Sandtray Therapist based in NYC & NJ.

04/27/2026

Recovering from codependency doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you free.”⁠
⁠
Free to have needs.⁠
Free to speak your mind.⁠
Free to stop fixing, pleasing, overthinking, and apologizing for existing.⁠
⁠
The most liberating part of healing is finally realizing:⁠
You were never too much.⁠
You just weren’t allowed to be you. (and you didn’t allow others to be them!)⁠
⁠
It’s never too late to start.⁠

04/20/2026

Setting boundaries can bring out several hard emotions, such as these common ones:

👉 Guilt: If you’re used to prioritizing others’ needs over your own, you might worry about disappointing or upsetting people, but remember that taking care of yourself is essential for your well-being.

👉 Fear: Fear can arise, particularly if you anticipate negative reactions or potential conflict. You might fear rejection, abandonment, or damaging your relationships.

👉 Anxiety: Anxiety can arise from the uncertainty of how others will respond to your boundaries. Reminding yourself that your needs are valid can help alleviate some anxiety.

👉 Anger: If your boundaries have been repeatedly violated in the past, you might experience anger while setting them. You might be angry at yourself for allowing it to happen or at the person who crossed your boundaries. Recognize your anger, but try to channel it constructively.

👉 Sadness: Setting boundaries can bring up sadness, especially if it means recognizing that some relationships may need to change or end. It’s normal to mourn the loss of certain dynamics, but remember that prioritizing your well-being will bring you more happiness.

👉 Doubt: Doubt may creep in when setting boundaries, leading you to question your own worthiness or whether your needs are reasonable. Trust in yourself and remember that you have the right to establish boundaries that align with your values and well-being.

While these emotions can be difficult to navigate, it’s important to remind yourself that setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect. It allows you to establish healthier relationships and prioritize your own needs. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist can also be helpful during this process.

04/13/2026

Press & Hold for your message! 🌠

04/10/2026

One of the hardest parts of recovering from codependency as a parent is learning to tolerate your child’s discomfort.

When you’ve spent much of your life feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, your instinct is to step in immediately. Fix the problem. Smooth it over. Make the feeling go away.

But growth doesn’t happen in comfort. It happens in the struggle.

When we rush to rescue our children from every disappointment, frustration, or mistake, we unintentionally send a message: you can’t handle this on your own.

Healthy parenting isn’t about eliminating struggle.
It’s about creating a safe space where your child can experience challenges and learn that they’re capable of working through them.

This is especially important for those healing from codependent and perfectionist patterns.

Instead of immediately fixing, try pausing and asking:

“What do you think would help right now?”

“How do you want to handle this?”

“What did you learn from this?”

Those small moments build something powerful: confidence, resilience, and emotional independence.

Your job isn’t to solve every problem for your child.
Your job is to help them trust themselves.

If you’re a parent who recognizes these patterns and wants to break the cycle, my book Raising Empowered Children: The Codependent Perfectionist’s Guide to Parenting walks you step-by-step through healing codependency while raising emotionally healthy kids.

It’s not about being a perfect parent.
It’s about raising children who don’t have to lose themselves to be loved.

You can grab your copy through the link in my bio.

04/03/2026

Some red flags don’t show up as obvious chaos.
They show up in relationships that look good on the surface.
Something may just feel “off” and this may give some clarity.

There’s love. There’s effort. There might even be loyalty and commitment. But underneath it, certain patterns quietly erode emotional safety over time.

Here are 5 subtle red flags that often hide in “good” relationships:

1. Trying to fix instead of feel
When one partner shares something painful, the other immediately jumps into solution mode. Advice. Logic. Problem-solving. It can sound supportive, but it often bypasses the actual need, which is to feel heard and understood. Sometimes people don’t need a fix. They need presence.

2. Protective withholding
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to upset you.”
This can sound caring, but withholding information or feelings to “protect” a partner often creates distance and erodes trust. Real intimacy requires honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable.

3. Minimizing emotions
Statements like “You’re overthinking,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re being too sensitive” slowly teach someone that their emotional experience isn’t valid. Over time, this can cause people to silence themselves in order to keep the peace.

4. Possessiveness (masked as devotion)
At first it can look like deep care: wanting constant contact, needing to know where you are, or feeling uncomfortable when you spend time away. But devotion should never come at the cost of autonomy. Healthy love allows space.

5. Passive or avoidant apologies
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I guess I’m just a terrible partner then.”
These kinds of apologies shift the focus away from real accountability. A genuine apology acknowledges impact and takes responsibility without defensiveness.

Not every relationship that has these patterns is doomed. But when these dynamics go unexamined, they quietly chip away at emotional safety.

Healthy relationships aren’t perfect.
They’re just willing to grow.

03/30/2026

✨Growth looks like letting people walk their own path without trying to rescue them.✨⁠
⁠
Learning to say “I hope that works out for you” is powerful, boundary-setting, and freeing.⁠
⁠
Ready to unlearn the need to fix, save, or over-function?

03/16/2026

Think healing means you’ll never get triggered again?

That’s not the goal.

The goal isn’t perfection.
It isn’t emotional numbness.
And it definitely isn’t shrinking yourself to keep the peace.

Healing is learning how to stay with yourself when old patterns show up.
It’s noticing when you abandon your needs.
It’s choosing awareness over autopilot.
Compassion over control.

Growth doesn’t mean you stop feeling.
It means you stop running from what you feel.

If this shifted something for you, save it.
And if you’re ready to practice this work with support, you don’t have to do it alone.

🤍

healthyboundaries

03/13/2026

What if I told you… your reaction was part of the plan?

A narcissist will often provoke you on purpose—
poke, dismiss, invalidate, twist your words—
until your nervous system finally snaps.

Not because you’re “too sensitive.”
But because once you react, the focus shifts.

Suddenly:
• You’re “unstable”
• You’re “overreacting”
• And they get to walk away as the victim

This isn’t conflict.
It’s reactive abuse.

The work in healing isn’t proving your point louder.
It’s learning how to protect your regulation, your energy, and your truth—without engaging in the trap.

If this resonates, save it.
If you’re learning how to stop taking the bait, follow along.

03/02/2026

A person’s capacity for growth is directly tied to how much truth they can face about themselves — without running away.

Growth is about being honest.

Honest about your patterns.
Honest about where you avoid responsibility.
Honest about the ways you protect yourself that no longer serve you.

Some people stay stuck not because they can’t change…
but because they can’t tolerate the discomfort of self-reflection.

Healing asks a quiet, brave question:
Can I stay present with myself, even when it’s uncomfortable?

If you’re learning how to do that — without shame, without self-abandonment — you’re already growing.

Save this for the moments you feel the urge to deflect, numb, or blame.
That pause? That’s where healing begins.

02/27/2026

Do you have any more “Just because ... doesn’t mean ...” statements to share with our Codependent Perfectionist community??? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

02/20/2026

★ You are a product of you, not the things that happen to you. ★⁠
⁠
While this requires a LOT of awareness, compassion, processing, and forgiveness, it is a powerful reminder as we break generational cycles, free ourselves from attachment to experiences, and heal for a life of empowerment and peace! ⁠
⁠
Who’s ready to 💪🏽 ?⁠ Head to the link in my bio for the many ways I can help you out!

02/16/2026

“Honoring your own boundaries is the clearest message to others to honor them, too.”

Gina Greenlee

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The Codependent Perfectionist is a series on the dynamics of codependency and perfectionism. Alana Carvalho, LMHC self identifies as the Codependent Perfectionist, giving you a mix of psychoeducation and anecdotes from her own work as a therapist to understand how these issues play out in everyday life.

Contact Alana: alana@acarvalhotherapy.com or following on Instagram alanacarvalhotherapy for any questions or comments!