Lucy Bichsel, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

12/09/2020

Honestly, we all could.

A friend I really respect recently confessed to me that she isn’t a good listener. 

That she's usually thinking of the next thing she wants to say while her partner is speaking and that she doesn't wait very long to consider what he said before responding. She also thinks of some exchanges as competitive, almost like a zero-sum game she can “win.”

Bad listening is especially bad when something important is being said. For me, that’s when something has emotional significance and is hard to say because it makes us vulnerable. 

Do you want to listen better to your partner when s/he has something important to tell you?

Try:

Giving total attention. Attention is an all-or-nothing thing when we are doing something relationally important. Split attention says, “you’re not THAT important.” And if you can’t give your full attention, reschedule for a time that you can.

Not editorializing. When you are listening, what you think doesn’t matter. That’s right; it’s not about you (even if it is). If you don’t understand, say, “I’m not sure I understand yet. Can you tell me more?” or “Can you tell me what is important about that for you?”

Using open-ended questions. Give your partner space to explore what they are sharing. Help them expand.

Repeating back what you’ve understood, as closely as you can, in such a way that they can really hear what they’ve said coming from your mind/mouth. That’s magic. 

Validating what your partner has told you, even if you don’t agree. Yes. S/he can think or feel something that you wouldn’t. That’s the beauty and pain of subjectivity.

Thanking them for sharing with you.

12/04/2020

“But why should I have to ask for it? If s/he loved me, s/he’d just know.”

“I’m so tired of asking; I’ve told her/him that I need this. S/he just doesn't care.”

I hear this so often as a therapist and when I do, a big part of me feels it. I know what that feeling is. The feeling that says that in order to feel truly loved, I need my partner to know what I need without me saying it. Because what I feel is so real, so obvious to me, that it must be obvious to them.

And if it’s not obvious, then maybe something’s wrong with them. Or worse, something’s wrong with me.

Maybe I’m not knowable, lovable, or worth the effort. 

That’s a hard place. And it’s a young place. Children (and those who are vulnerable in other ways) need to have those who care for them look into their minds and wonder what they need and feel. Their big needs and feelings are often a mystery and they dont have the words to communicate.

We are older. We have years of experiences that tell us who we are, how we feel and what we need. Is it still scary? Yes. Is it easier to send a smoke signal? Yes. But often this gets us nowhere but disappointed.

Take a deep breath and “speak out with love and savvy."** Ask for the love you want.

(**See Terry Real’s excellent book, The New Rules of Marriage for what that means).

11/30/2020

We are all guilty of complaining to our partners about how they’ve let us down.

The problem is, when we complain to their failing parts, we don’t empower them to do better by us.

We only reinforce the ways they haven’t and dig them a bigger hole to climb out of.

Instead of doing this, let’s speak to our partner’s better angels. The mature selves that are hungry for opportunities to succeed, to feel effective, to demonstrate their capacity.

And if you think your partner doesn’t have a mature self, you might be wrong. Sometimes when we speak to people as if they have the capacity to do better in an affirming way, they reach outside of their (younger) comfort zones and surprise us.

06/03/2020

04/18/2020

Has quarantine got you stressing about your body size? Are you turning to strict rules about food and exercise in order to feel more in control?

Totally understandable.

Problem is, your body isn't the problem and dieting / food restriction isn't the answer to how you're feeling.

Curl up with some tea (or hot cocoa) and 's book Antidiet ( ) and take in Christy's brilliant, clear explanation of why diets don't work and how we can reclaim ourselves when we reject food restriction and compulsive exercise.

04/17/2020

Everyday squabbles and skirmishes with your partner are natural, normal and even healthy. We shouldn’t agree all the time, and we shouldn’t avoid all conflict.

#
Never-ending conflict CYCLES occur when underlying core emotions, usually “negative” emotions (sadness, loneliness, hurt) are expressed in distorted and confusing ways and our partners react to those distorted messages in ways that further reinforce our bad feelings. This kicks off a painful, long-standing back-and-forth wherein partners are continuously hurting each other. Unlike a one-off argument or blow-up, these cycles are often more subtle and hard to identify, but just as destructive as a big fight. In fact, negative conflict cycles can tear apart relationships if they are not interrupted. And being together all the time in stressful circumstances puts us at great risk for falling into negative cycles.

# # How do I know when a negative cycle is taking hold?

Some signs are: resentment, mistrust, avoidance, and anger, even when nothing is clearly causing these feelings in the moment. Other signs: when neutral behaviors from your partner trigger unpleasant feelings and negative thoughts about you, them and the relationship.

# # What can I do?

Check in with yourself: Underneath your resentment, anger or avoidance behaviors, are there other more core feelings humming away? Usual candidates are feeling neglected, unloved, forgotten about, unimportant or criticized, blamed, like a “bad” person, and/or incapable of relating. Sometimes we are just sad and scared about the relationship and unable to express our feelings.

# What next?

Check in with your partner: Would they be willing to listen, non-judgmentally, to how you’re feeling, if you promise not to blame them? Would they be willing to give some validation without accepting responsibility for all your feelings? Would they be willing to try to do things differently if it will help de-escalate the negative cycle?

If YES, proceed with care. If it feels too difficult or results in further distress, couples therapy can always help.

04/01/2020

From the recent
article (3/26/20) on Claire Weekes' book, Hope and Help for Anxiety:

"First, Weekes says, you must decide to truly experience the panic, to let it burst out into your fingers, your gut, your skull. Then, sink into it like a warm pool. Finally, rather than mentally kicking your legs to keep your nose out of the water, flip onto your back. “Stop holding tensely onto yourself,” she writes, “trying to control your fear, trying ‘to do something about it’ while subjecting yourself to constant self-analysis.” Just float through it, observing that it’s happening and recognizing that it will end.

Weekes promises that “every unwelcome sensation can be banished, and you can regain peace of mind and body.” That’s a guarantee that, even in our cure-all-saturated world (S*x dust for or***ms! Crystals for … everything!), is hard to square. But her advice, hard-earned through her own lifelong anxiety, which would wake her out of sleep to torment her, is so simple that “Hope and Help” essentially turns into a soothing repetition of two points. First, that what we’re mostly afraid of is fear. And second, that “by your own anxiety you are producing the very feelings you dislike so much.” Page after page offers the reassuring reminder that you can best fight your panic by refusing to fight the panic."

03/28/2020

Feelings and fears springing up around this crisis are both shared by many and particular to you.

Your own trauma history and the thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that are attached to that history may be visiting you right now. You might be feeling trapped, abandoned, fragile, young, and/or extremely vulnerable in ways that are both familiar and surprising in their power.

Whatever this time is bringing, please be as gentle and kind to yourself as you would a beloved child.

This is re-parenting, crisis edition.

03/26/2020

Today I remembered my humanity.

And I want to remind all of you: whatever it is that you're feeling can be understood by another person.

You are not alone.

11/20/2019

Terry goes on,

"And yet, devlishly enough we all somehow wind up with a partner who is exquisitely designed to STICK THE BURNING SPEAR RIGHT INTO OUR EYEBALL. How this happens no one really knows. Over the course of your dating years, dozens of potential partners sailed into view, many of whom would never have triggered your deepest hurts. And none of them even blipped on your screen.

We are drawn to people whose issues fit perfectly with our own in a way that guarantees a reenactment of the old familiar struggles we grew up with.

The mad, inspired thing about real love is that we all marry our unfinished business."

-The New Rules of Marriage

11/06/2019

YES to couples' therapy and what hard work it is for both the couple AND the therapist. Also YES to the fact that wonderful individual therapists can be terrible couples' therapists. And YES to giving it time; developing a strong, trusting bond with a couples' therapist takes time, and we aren't gurus or magicians or mind-readers - we need to know you well to know how to help.

I am passionate about smashing the stigma around seeking the support of a couples therapist. Thank you, fairy tales and rom coms, for filling our heads with the idea that love oughta be easy breezy 24/7. When a couple comes to see me (especially a young or early stage couple), we often have to spend some time off-loading shame and transforming the idea that couples therapy means they are broken, damaged, or doomed and replacing it with a deeply-felt sense that it is courageous and pride-worthy to say, "I love us so much that I want to get this right! Let's stack the deck in our favor!" Couple therapy is a powerful way to say I BELIEVE IN US.
——-
Here are 4 things I want you to know about hiring a couples therapist:
1. Somebody can be an awesome individual therapist and a terrible couples therapist. When you make the initial phone call, ask about their training in working with couples. Clinicians need specialized training in working with couples. There are specific skill designed to help a therapist hold onto both what’s happening INSIDE each partner and in the space BETWEEN the partners.
2. You may walk out of a session feeling like the session was imbalanced, focusing more on one of you than the other. That doesn’t mean your therapist it doing it “wrong.” But if you have feelings, you can and should talk about that with your couples therapist. The way you experience your sessions says a lot about the way you experience relationships. Don’t sit on that data.
3. Give it some time. All relationships take time to build, and your relationship with your couples therapist is no exception. The three of you need to learn each other.
4. If you and your partner are doing therapy in order to decide whether or not to stay together, your therapist is likely to ask you to agree to X number of sessions during which you’ll roll up your sleeves and give this relationship everything you’ve got. Couples therapy is hard work and you need a safe “container” to hold that work.
The research is clear: couples therapy helps. Go early. Go often.

11/03/2019

Just needed to say this today.

Body "positivity" - or, better said, body respect, body acceptance and body dignity - is for everyone. Old, young, fat, thin, chronically ill, differently abled. No one needs to earn it through excercise, through eating healthy or through any other behavior. It's your birthright.

My love and compassion to all of you out there who struggle with taking what's yours, what already belongs to you - the right to feel you belong in your body, even on days when you are uncomfortable, in pain or in shame.

And to my colleagues out there - watch your visual and verbal messaging. People are listening, watching and feeling what you say and display.