01/08/2015
Real talk.
The concept of codependency has been on my mind a lot this year. Throughout my life, whether realizing it or not, I often found myself to be in a subservient position: personal assistant-type, baby-sitter, reliable phone-a-friend, enabling and judgment-free best friend, substitute boyfriend, mother figure, sister figure, therapist, waitress, the list goes on. I played most of these roles willingly. And then it would progress to hesitantly. And then begrudgingly. And then angrily. This past year, I admittedly snapped.
My usual caregiving ways became unknowingly self-destructive. I found solace in forgetting myself and being wholly available for everyone else. I took on several jobs at once while trying to complete massage therapy school and yoga teacher training simulteanously. I continued this overload of busy-ness to dull my own problems. Unwittingly, I would search out new problems around me in order to busy myself with finding a solution, whether that be a friend's personal drama or more massage therapy clients or new opportunities or new people who seemed to benefit from my time and advice. This helped me escape. I found safety and fulfillment in giving. When I wasn't giving, I felt guilty. When someone tried to give to me, I literally cringed. I could not accept the gifts nor the help. I had guilt over people's honest concern for me. And usually could not ask for help even when I needed it most.
This concept, codependency, is not new. It has been a buzz term in psychology for at least fifty years, dating back to the 1960s. To me, codependency is an unrealized reliance on other people needing you to feel validated. Codependent people often seem very independent because people go to them for help. They appear strong to those who rely on them, but feel helpless in terms of their own personal problems. They have trouble saying 'No'. The term has associations with Al-Anon, the organization dedicated to helping spouses, lovers, family members, and friends of alcoholics.
Slowly, as I lost myself in what I thought was benefiting other people's lives, I lost more and more of my own self-worth because I forgot how to give to myself. I didn't even want to give to myself. I didn't want people giving to me. The more ragged and distraught I felt, the more I felt I had a successful day, a successful week. The more people I could tally up in my head that I felt like I had influenced positively, the more I felt indignant and self-righteous about my efforts.
How did I become codependent? I am unsure. And to be fair, some of the characteristics of a codependent person are not negative traits at all. To be a person who others rely on, who others come to for advice and help, is not negative. But losing oneself to a distorted worldview that you are responsible for multiple other peoples' successes and failures is unhealthy. In Melody Beattie's words, 'a codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.' A codependent person begins to believe that other people's lives necessitate the codependent's constant surveillance and input. Easily, codependent people fall into unhealthy relationships with others and oneself, whether those relationships be work-related, romantic, or friendship-based.
Why am I saying all of this? Because 2015 has been a tizzy. I feel foolish for assuming I ever knew more than the people I tried to help. I gave a lot of unsolicited advice. I often victimized myself and blamed others for things I was doing on my own accord. I gave and then was upset when I didn't get a return. But then, when those who wanted to give would show up, I would shut them out.
I did eventually see what was happening, and obviously have done a lot of soul-searching and research since I hit my low back in March. I wanted to present this as a forum to explain my semi-erratic behavior in 2015, as a way for others who have had similar issues to relate, and to offer (yet again unsolicited) advice on a resource to understand codependency and how it applies to yourself or others in your life.
http://coda.org
we found in each of our lives that codependence is a deeply rooted compulsive behavior born out of our dysfunctional family systems
