Marriage Counselor Manhattan

07/31/2024

Our new ebook "Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity" is out. This 8-part guide teaches you the most crucial steps to rebuilding the bond in your marriage after a partner has cheated. Learn the single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity, what the root causes of affairs typically are, why they can happen even in GOOD marriages, and what to do to make your relationship stronger than ever before. Visit:

07/05/2023

10/19/2019

Our Core Needs Are Not Negotiable

Successful relationships come down to basic questions about our core needs.
---What do I need in a relationship in order to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?
---What do you need in a relationship to feel the same?
---Are you willing to meet my needs in this relationship?
---Am I willing to meet yours?

If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner's needs, the outcome remains the same.

How Our Needs Get Met Is Negotiable. Here is the recipe for success:

---Communicate that you understand your partner's need and why it's important to them.
---Reiterate why tending to this is important to you.
---Be clear on your own boundaries and limits in meeting the need.
--- Communicate what your partner can epect from you going forward.

The following is taken from the Gottman Confllict Blueprint for managing conflict in committed relationships:

Lasting Relationships Require Flexibility

Working together to meet each other's needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting relationship.

Successful relationships require a solid friendship,so it helps in the beginning when needs can be met consistently to build trust and security between partners.

When it comes to meeting needs, communication and compromise are a necessity.

The key here is to take your partner's needs into account while expressing yours.

If you don't communicate this, you run the risk of your partner thinking that you stopped caring, that their needs are only a priority when it's convenient for you, or some other unintended message. Sometimes, your needs will conflict with one another and you're going to have talk about it, negotiate it, and come to a compromise together. Relationships thrive when needs are met and falter when they're not.

That fact, quite simply, is non-negotiable.

06/25/2019

Talk and Touch: Proactive Ways to Create a Good Marriage......

Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's marriage.) The song does make a good point how to succeed in marriage.

The song's ultimate point is that once you make up our mind to do something, action is sure to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that is most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.

You want to save your marriage? At least you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will you restore your marriage?

It happens through ACTIONS. But what Actions?

I suggest trying a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with youR spouse about a NON-LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat. And you do NOT need your spouse's cooperation. If necessary, you talk , they listen. A voice mail can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with you spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making. It's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment. If one of you is resistant, let me know and we can talk about that.

The point is this: if you can establish Right Habits and do them consistently--talk and touch everyday, for example you will probably begin to feel more connected.

You can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean event. there's no gift you can give, favor you can do, or letter you can write. When your marriage on the rocks, it's common to want to "microwave" it better. But you can't. There is no quick fix. There's no one thing you can do or say that will turn things around. It took you ears to get in this mess; it's going to take time for you to get out of it. And what's the way out?? Listen carefully.

Failed marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over a period of time.

Do you want REAL change in your marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do THEM CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for example. Following this blog post, I have listed 50 ways to talk and touch. Just check the following post. My challenge to you is to pick 2 OR 3 to begin with. In the next 24 hours do a Talk Charge and 1 Touch Charge. Then return to the list every 3 0r 4 days for the next several weeks.REMINDER: Go to the next blog post to read the 50 ways...... Jim Covington

03/22/2019

CONTEMPT, and Gottman's 4 Rules for a Better America.....]

I recently read an article by John Gottman (relationship research psychologist) about contempt and I want to share it with you not only because of contempt’s devastating effect in marriage, but also in the politics of our country.

According to Gottman, contempt is the most harmful communication style in relationships. Contempt is belittling and disrespectful. Contempt mocks others with sarcasm and ridicule and assumes a position of moral superiority.

“How can you be so stupid?” “You’re such a loser!”

“You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”

In recent years, contempt has become the predominant style of communication in our politics. I am now reading a recently published book entitled “Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt”, Arthur C. Brooks.

Interestingly,John Gottman has also addressed this issue as manifested in our political landscape. From political debates on television to comment threads on social media, we see people treating each other with contempt all the time. The dialogue has become “us” vs “them.” And that deludes us into thinking we’re better than other people. It’s dangerous.

We can start political reconciliation by talking about our shared why instead of our divided what. In John Gottman’s words, “Strong relationships are the basis of a stable society”. And based on that statement, Gottman offers his "Four Rules for a Better America." From his perspective, these are the things you can do to stitch America back together while still maintaining your points of view.

Rule 1: Focus on other people’s distress and focus on it empathically.
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, an essential quality for successful relationships. You don’t have to agree with someone to empathize with them.

Rule 2: Keep your positive vs negative comments and interactions at a ratio of 5:1
You have power to do this. The positive things you say versus the criticisms that you level should be at a 5:1 ratio at least. That means five affirming, praising, and loving tweets and Facebook comments for every critical one.

Rule 3: Avoid contempt with everybody, all the time
No exceptions. It’s bad for you and it’s bad for the country if you treat anybody with contempt.

Rule 4: Learn to cooperate and have dialogue with those of whom you disagree.
Seek out and be around people who are different than you are. Before you speak, see if you understand what the speaker before you has said. Listen to understand, and then frame your rebuttal.

If we all follow these rules, together, we can make this a better country. Jim Covington

Describes Jim Covington's view of marriage and his work with couples as a marriage counselor in New York City, upper west side.

03/05/2019

The Affair-Prone Marriage

One of the more traumatic experiences in marriages/relationships is infidelity and I don’t use the word “traumatic” lightly. Healing and forgiveness are possible, but it will take time and commitment.

Research points to certain characteristics that are most often linked to infidelity. Some of these factors have to do with the individual. Being raised in a family where having affairs is considered normal is one example.
Having the type of personality that values excitement and risk taking over marital stability is another.

Your social environment also has a big impact. If you’re surrounded by coworkers and friends who believe that affairs are OK, you’re less likely to stay true to your partner.

The nature of your marriage is an important factor as well. People who feel angry and emotionally distant from their spouses are more likely to look outside the marriage for a sense of closeness.

In her book “Not Just Friends”, Shirley P. Glass presents a compelling description of the way many happily married people unwittingly make their marriages vulnerable to affairs. The problem often starts when coworkers form secret emotional attachments to each other by crossing small boundaries that are needed to protect their marriages. Glass asserts that in a committed relationship, a couple constructs a wall that shields them from any outside forces that have the power to split them up
Couples in conflict-avoiding marriages may especially be prone to affairs, according to Glass’s analysis. This is because when something occurs in a conflict avoiding couple’s life that raises new issues(a baby is born, or one spouse is stressed at work) the partner avoids expressing difficult feelings or stating new needs in order to “keep the peace.” But this lack of sharing can cause one or both partners to feel lonely.

Meanwhile, the lonely partner may happen to have an intense conversation with somebody outside the marriage. This partner may know on a gut level that they should let their spouse in on this development and the feelings it brings up. They could say something like “I had the most intense conversation with Chris at the office today. And it made me realize that you and I haven’t talked like that in a long time and that worried me. But as we know, a revelation like this may lead to a heated argument—so the lonely partner puts off discussing the situation. And as a result he or she now has a secret.

Couples who want to heal the damage that affairs create usually benefit from working with a marriage counselor. Several studies have shown that marital therapy can be quite effective in helping couples to recover from an affair. My own work has shown that shared therapy can create a safe space for the betrayed partner to express pain and get the answers he or she needs. At the same time a trained therapist can steer that partner away from expressions of rage that would be harmful to their relationship. Instead the couple focuses on communication that helps to rebuild feelings of fondness, admiration and therefore, renewed and deepened emotional connection.

Remember: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. Jim Covington

02/09/2019

How to Address the Inevitable Conflicts in Marriage

Conflict happens in every relationship, and it's a myth to believe that in a happy relationship you'll get along all the time. Relationship conflict serves a purpose. It's an opportunity to get to know your partner better and to develop deeper intimacy as you talk about and work through your differences.

A happy relationship isn’t the result of having a lot of things in common—as we often think. It comes from knowing how to address your core differences in a way that supports each other’s need and dreams. This is how trust is sustained.

Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on. Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

According to the Gottman research, it is a myth that happily married people don’t complain about each other’ behavior. We all have our own idiosyncratic needs, desires, rhythms, and habits. And these needs are bound to collide, producing strong emotions.

Constantly stifling your complaints is not a good idea. Doing so can cause you to hold on to angry, resentful feelings toward your partner. You may develop a state of mind we call “negative sentiment override,” where your bad thoughts about your partner override any positive thoughts about them. You may then begin to stockpile your grievances.

Your negative feelings fester and grow resulting in one of two outcomes: You either distance yourself emotionally to avoid the pain or you lash out. Either alternative leads to further emotional distance.

There is an alternative to either stifling or exploding, however, Partners can learn to express their needs (i.e., complain) in ways that are respectful(in tone), clear, and specific. When you do this, your partner is more likely to hear your complaint and respond to it if you express it in this way and complaining in a healthy way actually helps to solve problems, build intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

Examples: (from "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage," John and Julie Gottman)

Healthy Complaining: "We haven’t been able to afford a vacation in two years. Maybe we should work out a better budget.” Harmful Complaining: "You know why we haven’t had a vacation for two years? Because you don’t save……you waste our money on stupid things, on things for yourself!"

Healthy Complaining: "You know, I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together, and you invited your mother . I love your mother, but I have to admit I feel a little hurt and disappointed." Harmful Complaining: "I thought we were going to have a romantic evening together and you invited your mother! How can you be such a clueless, insensitive dolt? "

Healthy Complaining: Pick a time to complain about the problem when partner can listen and respond. Harmful Complaining: Complain at times when partner is distracted by pressing matters such as a deadline or caring for small children..

In summary: Complain without criticizing and look for the longing in each other’s complaints. Then express and accept appreciation for the empathetic understanding. Jim Covington

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love and they blossom when we love the ones we marry."

01/28/2019

The Worst Kind of Communication

John Gottman writes about four types of communication that are most detrimental to marital or committed relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.. Of the four, he names contempt as the most toxic and predictor of divorce. Based on my own observations, I agree with him.

Contempt expresses the feeling of dislike toward somebody, and implies that the other person is considered worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt projects superiority, conveyed through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions. Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully. Conflict escalates and prevents meaningful communication. What separates contempt from criticism? The intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.

Ways to show one’s contempt

Read More on my Blog: http://bit.ly/2PQhywz
Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT

If you, your spouse, or someone of importance to you need to speak confidentiality about past or future issues please do not hesitate to reach out to me..

Marriage Counseling Manhattan
Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., L.M.F.T.
Call me at 212-799-1159 or visit https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!  I will be using this page to pass on information,  offer comments and thoughts about the strengths and challenges of successful marital relationships and share other pertinent information that becomes available to me.  The science of love relationships is extraordinary.  ...

01/22/2019

Why Are Young People Having So Little S*x?

Despite the easing of taboos and the rise of hookup apps, Americans are in the midst of a s*x recession.

THESE SHOULD BE boom times for s*x.
The share of Americans who say s*x between unmarried adults is “not wrong at all” is at an all-time high. New cases of HIV are at an all-time low. Most women can—at last—get birth control for free, and the morning-after pill without a prescription.
If hookups are your thing, Grindr and Tinder offer the prospect of casual s*x within the hour. The phrase If something exists, there is p**n of it used to be a clever internet meme; now it’s a truism. B**M plays at the local multiplex—but why bother going? S*x is portrayed, often graphically and sometimes gorgeously, on prime-time cable. S*xting is, statistically speaking, normal.

Read more on our blog: http://bit.ly/2PO95dd
Shared from: theatlantic.com

If you, your spouse, or someone of importance to you need to speak confidentiality about past or future issues please do not hesitate to reach out to me..

Marriage Counseling Manhattan
Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., L.M.F.T.
Call me at 212-799-1159 or visit https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/

Despite the easing of taboos and the rise of hookup apps, Americans are in the midst of a s*x recession.

01/18/2019

DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENTS.. As I have emphasized so often, I will write again: The way we communicate with one another or speak to each other when we are upset is so instrumental in resolving our differences or expressing our needs. According to John Gottman’s research, one of the most damaging communications in relationships is expressing disrespectful judgments toward one’s partner. Do you feel that is often the case in your relationship? Ask your spouse or partner the following questions. If any of them are answered in the affirmative, it’s evidence that you use disrespectful judgments.
1. Do I ever try to “straighten you out?”
2. Do I ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?
3. Do I ever view my opinion as superior to yours?
4. Whenever we discuss an issue, do I ever prevent you from having a chance to explain your position?
5. Are you ever afraid to discuss your point of view with me?
6. Do I ever ridicule your point of view?
All of these questions reflect an effort to force your way of thinking on your spoiuse. You do not agree, so you try to make your spouse agree with you.

What’s the answer, then? The only appropriate way to persuade a spouse or anyone else for that matter, is to show respect. Respect means that one should never try to force his or her way of thinking on anyone else. It also means that you honor the viewpoint of your spouse even though you may not agree with it. If this does not happen, and you instead attempt to prove your spouse wrong, or act as though your spouse’s point of view is crazy, your spouse will more likely resist your argument all the more, even though there may be some merits in your perspective.

01/15/2019

‘Fixes for the US drinking problem are hard to sell

When health officials wanted to reduce deaths from to***co, they spread messages about the proven cancer risks, pushed to ban smoking in public places and worked to raise taxes on ci******es.

Alcohol, which causes 88,000 deaths a year in the USA, is a similarly grave public health concern. Studies show deaths linked to alcohol are up 35 to 50 percent since 2000. But the way forward is less clear.

What worked with smoking may not work with drinking, which enjoys broad social acceptance. Nearly all the potential solutions hit considerable roadblocks.

Read more: http://bit.ly/2EB1qNc
Source: usatoday.com

Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT

If you, your spouse, or someone of importance to you need to speak confidentiality about past or future issues please do not hesitate to reach out to me..

Marriage Counseling Manhattan
Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., L.M.F.T.
Call me at 212-799-1159 or visit https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/

When officials wanted to reduce deaths from to***co, they spoke of cancer risks, pushed for public bans and raised taxes. On alcohol, the way forward is less clear.

01/11/2019

Your therapy bot will see you now

Researchers are hard at work applying artificial intelligence to analyzing emotions and personalities. Future job interviews may see your personality and qualifications assessed by AI bots. What could possibly go wrong?
Human-computer interaction (HCI) has a big problem: humans have personalities and emotions; computers don't. So how does the computer side analyze and respond to humans expressing emotions?

Personality is like climate: the overall environment over time. Emotion is like weather: it is what we experience at a particular moment.

Read more on our blog: https://zd.net/2rK3XgJ
Shared from: zdnet.com

Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT

If you, your spouse, or someone of importance to you need to speak confidentiality about past or future issues please do not hesitate to reach out to me..

Marriage Counseling Manhattan
Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., L.M.F.T.
Call me at 212-799-1159 or visit https://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/

Researchers are hard at work applying artificial intelligence to analyzing emotions and personalities. Future job interviews may see your personality and qualifications assessed by AI bots. What could possibly go wrong?