Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy

Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy is a Manhattan based private practice for individuals and couples.
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11/24/2025

We are sold the fairy tale of falling in love (although word on the street is the reality of that hasn’t been so fun) way more than we are shown what goes into moving through hard things in long term relationships. The struggle. The hardship. The weaving in and out of closeness and disconnect. Seeing each other through decades of life is not a simple walk in the park. Life throws things…and if you’re together for long enough, it will throw a lot. This isn’t a post about expecting everything to be hard and dull and challenging. That’s awful. And it’s not what I believe it looks like (or ought to). I really believe long term relationships get to experience the highest of highs, the depth of being seen and attuned to. It’s glorious. And it’s hard. Because undoubtedly you’ll face things that are deeply confronting - individually and relationally.
So here’s my contribution to normalizing what it is we don’t often talk about or see on our screens. What have you learned about navigating long term relationships through the years and decades that isn’t spoken about enough. I hope you’ll share it below.

It’s such a simple sentence, I know. To see one’s part is an offering. It’s life giving to a relationship. To be able to...
11/24/2025

It’s such a simple sentence, I know. To see one’s part is an offering. It’s life giving to a relationship. To be able to see how you contributed. To see your part of the dance. To be able to take ownership and acknowledge. To see your part without it meaning you’re a failure, or worthless, or undeserving, or that you should be steeped in shame. That’s the damning thing about not holding compassion for one’s humanness. Without compassion for yourself it makes it so challenging to have successful relationships. To be able to hold yourself in high enough regard, even when you’ve done something hurtful to another, is actually the bridge. Because when you can’t offer yourself grace and compassion, you wind up hiding. And if you have to hide, you can’t stand in your part. What a terrible cycle of disconnection.
I’m curious your thoughts. Have you ever thought about it this way?

If they didn’t know how to regulate, then you may have learned how to tip toe around them in an attempt to keep the syst...
11/22/2025

If they didn’t know how to regulate, then you may have learned how to tip toe around them in an attempt to keep the system (them, you, or all of the above) afloat. It may have been a parent with untreated mental health challenges, or a parent with an addiction. It may have been caretakers who was preoccupied with a sibling’s illness and unable to tend to their own sadness, pain, and grief. Or it may have been a caretaker with anger or shame issues that resulted in abuse.
When we can’t trust the adults to regulate themselves with consistency, it’s common to adapt and learn how to do some of that for them. That means withholding, distorting, pretending, and even lying in an attempt to keep them stable.
Can you look at your life now? Do you find yourself in relationships where you do any managing or caretaking of others’ emotional experience? Do you find yourself in dynamics where you withhold, distort, hide, or pretend for fear of the system being negatively affected? Can you trust another to hear your full expression and still manage their own? Whew.
Take a look at what role you might be repeating. Take a look and see how this is impacting your relationship with communication, vulnerability, intimacy, and self expression. Where are you holding yourself back? What’s familiar about this? And is there a shift you’re ready to make?

An honor to be featured in to discuss How To Avoid A Family Feud This Holiday Season. I talk about three pitfalls to pr...
11/21/2025

An honor to be featured in to discuss How To Avoid A Family Feud This Holiday Season. I talk about three pitfalls to prepare for, coping strategies to support, and steps to make the overall season a positive one. Comment HOLIDAYS and I’ll DM you a link to read the whole story.

Sometimes we can resolve things together, and other times the gift is in finding the resolution apart. I know this can b...
11/20/2025

Sometimes we can resolve things together, and other times the gift is in finding the resolution apart. I know this can be a hard pill to swallow at times, especially when failure is so easily associated with relational endings. But not all relationships are designed for people to stay together. Some relationships are designed to teach, to reveal, to remind. Some relationships are designed to hold up the mirror so that you as an individual can learn something about yourself. Some relationships are designed for you to come back into contact with old wounds, old pain, and begin to write a new story for yourself. Some relationships are designed to end so that you can step into empowerment. Some relationships are designed to end so you can finally exercise boundaries. This post isn’t about recommending an easy way out. I am a big believer in moving through the hard stuff in relationships, but we must not operate with the belief that every relationship, with just enough commitment and dedication, will have a happily ever after ending. What are your thoughts?

Happiest birthday to you, my love. CB - I love growing older with you. What an honor it truly is. Grateful to be on the ...
11/18/2025

Happiest birthday to you, my love. CB - I love growing older with you. What an honor it truly is. Grateful to be on the ride — from the easy to the hard, the fun to the not so fun — there’s no one else I’d rather do it all with. I love you.

Maybe it’s a parent, a sibling, a partner, an ex, a friend, an adult child, etc. Maybe it’s you. It’s so easy to get cau...
11/17/2025

Maybe it’s a parent, a sibling, a partner, an ex, a friend, an adult child, etc. Maybe it’s you. It’s so easy to get caught in the fire. Those flames roll, friends. And the truth is, we often go with it for a long time. Decades at a time, maybe even close to a lifetime. For those of you here, though, I imagine you’re curious about stepping out of the fire even if it means those you love remain in it. Gosh, it’s tough.⁠
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To heal even when another does not. To heal because choosing to honour yourself becomes a priority. To heal because it travels multi-directionally even if some don’t want to acknowledge or accept it. To heal because it’s your birthright. To heal because you deserve it. To heal because you can.⁠

Big breath. To heal because you can.
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Okay, big breath here. Remember, context doesn’t excuse behavior and it also doesn’t mean you have to tolerate something...
11/16/2025

Okay, big breath here. Remember, context doesn’t excuse behavior and it also doesn’t mean you have to tolerate something forever and ever. But, I find that relationships tend to dance much better when we bring curiosity and compassion forward. VERY HARD to do when you’re feeling pushed away or activated yourself. That said, just because things are hard doesn’t mean we don’t practice them. ⁠I really want to encourage us to be relational with the people we love and care about (let’s start there!). That means holding a systemic lens, one that isn’t focused solely on the here and now or that which is only visible. It means reminding yourself of that which is invisible. All that predates this moment. Self protection is so often in the room with us. ⁠Might we begin to explore it and get curious with it.

Of course, this inquiry requires the person to be willing to go there — to self-reflect and to share it with you, but the alternative is bound to shut a convo down. “What’s wrong with you”, or even, “why do you do that?” can easily put a person on the defensive. To inquire about something from the past that doesn’t involve you is powerful. Not only do you take yourself out of the equation for a moment, you also invite them to explore themselves out of this moment as well. These reactions are historical — they’re rarely (only) about the moment happening right now, and so this question about what happened in the past that taught you to cope (self-protect/defense mechanism) is a conversation opener. Instead of only being annoyed, mad, or frustrated at the person for their behavior, we can acknowledge the brilliance of the coping strategy that once was (while also communicating that it needs an update in order to be functional and expansive in the relationship with you.) Of course, this takes work — healing our pasts, healing our nervous systems, but it’s beautiful work that absolutely can be done.

11/14/2025

It’s that time of year again, and I decided to remind you (slightly) ahead of time. There’s a reason Ram Daas said “if you think you’re enlightened go spend a week with your family.” Big breath. This time of year can be the most beautiful and the most challenging (for endless reasons). But one thing I know for sure is how easily all the work we’ve been doing in therapy and our own practices can go right out the door the moment we walk ourselves back in the (family) system that has irresolution and a whole heck of a lot of charge to it.
All it takes is that look (you know the one), that comment, that sigh, for your nervous system’s threat detector to go OFF. All of a sudden you’re back in an old dynamic you’ve worked tirelessly at growing out of. Next week’s newsletter is going to address this topic while giving you tools to stay grounded, anchored, and regulated.
And a gentle reminder: stop being surprised by unsurprising things, my friend. Expect what you can expect. Prepare yourself for that. A lot can shift when you stop hoping and waiting for change. COMMENT “HOLIDAY” and I’ll send you a link to sign up and receive it.

When you lose sight of this, you lose sight of your partner and you lose sight of the full story. Relationships are har...
11/14/2025

When you lose sight of this, you lose sight of your partner and you lose sight of the full story.

Relationships are hard because ⁠so much of the most important stuff is invisible. It’s not obvious in the room with us. It’s our past pain and wounds. It’s our childhoods and the messaging we received. It’s the ways we learned to self protect. Yours is different than theirs and theirs is different than yours.
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Our work is reminding ourselves of the things we can lose focus of, and not get lost on the road of “this doesn’t make sense.” Because, with context, it actually does.

We must go beyond our own perception, beyond our wounding, beyond our beliefs, beyond clinging to the need to know and be right. If we cling to our own understanding within our relationships it will create and maintain the disconnection, distance, and suffering. When we allow ourselves to trust that there are different realities, experiences, and perceptions we can forge a path forward together.⁠
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“I see you and you see me”. Fantastic.⁠
“Me seeing you doesn’t mean that you don’t see me.”⁠
“You seeing me doesn’t mean that I don’t see you.”⁠
“Seeing you doesn’t mean that I’m wrong. Seeing you opens me up to a new world of understanding. And because I love you, I want to know and understand your world.”

If someone chooses you because you’ve convinced them to, you’ll never be able to trust their choice. Your job is to beli...
11/13/2025

If someone chooses you because you’ve convinced them to, you’ll never be able to trust their choice. Your job is to believe deeply in your worth. That’s the work. When you believe in it, you won’t spend time convincing others. Easier said than done, I know. Aha questions do you have about this? I’m curious to know where you get stuck?

There is an original identification of the loss : the death of a loved one, the recognition that a parent will not be th...
11/11/2025

There is an original identification of the loss : the death of a loved one, the recognition that a parent will not be the parent you wished they would, the ending of a friendship that you wanted to maintain. You might feel big feelings when the above happens or when you acknowledge the loss for the first time. But it’s not one and done.
The loss of that loved one, maybe a parent, shows up in the moments you wish they were present for. Your graduation. Your wedding. A hard time in your life when you’d normally have turned to them for guidance. The birth of your first child. These moments, and endless others, bring you back into contact with that original loss…just slightly differently.
So today I offer you the reminder that grief doesn’t just happen once. It happens every time you come back into contact with the loss. And in those moments you will likely also feel some big feelings — make space for them. But also know that every time you feel, you’re also healing. Tender. Gentle.
Share this with someone you know needs to read it 💕🧡

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