Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy

Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy Mindful Marriage and Family Therapy is a Manhattan based private practice for individuals and couples.
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If your actions do not match your words, it’s your job to understand what keeps those two from lining up. Telling people...
04/12/2026

If your actions do not match your words, it’s your job to understand what keeps those two from lining up. Telling people to “trust me” or “I promise I’ll change” when you’re not actually able to follow through on that is damaging. Not just for them, but also for you.
And although this post is speaking to a relational dynamic between two individuals, you might also reflect on this through the lens of you with you (do your actions match your words to yourself?).
A lot of people say things like “if they wanted to they would” but I’ve learned that it’s not that simple. Some people can’t. They can’t because they don’t have the capacity yet. They can’t because what they’re promising feels too unfamiliar or threatening to their nervous system (yes, even when it’s objectively healthy/good/etc). They can’t because they don’t feel deserving of what’s on the other side. They can’t because they haven’t resolved something from the past that keeps them confirming an old narrative about themselves. They can’t because they’re unconsciously trying to understand the hurt or harm another did to them.
But can’t CAN turn to can. Not through promises or words. Not through verbal commitments. But through understanding the function of the behavior + showing oneself and another in small, consistent actions, that a new way of being is possible and tolerable. One’s capacity for what one says and desires begins to expand. This is complex and layered work.

You might be exhausted. Or maybe they’re exhausted with you. Approaching the desire for change from a place of exhaustio...
04/09/2026

You might be exhausted. Or maybe they’re exhausted with you.
Approaching the desire for change from a place of exhaustion, frustration, or irritation can be quite hard and limiting. Couples will often get stuck having the same conversation in the SAME ways, over and over again.
If you’ve ever been in therapy with more than one person (couples/family/friends) you might have had an experience where the therapist says the same thing you’ve been saying for SO LONG and the other person finally gets it. It’s a mouth drop - eye roll moment in the room. “You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” thinks/says the person who’s desperately been trying to communicate the same thing. Look, there are a number or reasons this might happen of course, but today I’d like to highlight the power of slight shifts in language/questioning.
Now I’m mindful of the over-functioner in the relationship here — another invitation to try something more/different/new. If there is space for you to inquire about resistance this way, wonderful. See what happens if you shift this language? But if there’s not much space for you to try something new, send this post off to the person. Have them reflect on it. You don’t need to do more work for them, but certainly consider how this shift in language might be supportive for you moving forward. And for you who might be stuck — for you who might be the one on the receiving end of “why can’t you just..” might you consider instead, “what keeps me from…” or “in what ways is the behavior trying to protect me?” “If I were to follow through on the desired shift, what do I believe will happen next?” “Is there any reason I don’t want that?” (unfamiliar, undeserving, etc?”
I wish you gentleness in this exploration.

A trust rupture is incredibly painful. It’s so hard to come back from it because it’s something that makes you not only ...
04/09/2026

A trust rupture is incredibly painful. It’s so hard to come back from it because it’s something that makes you not only question others, but also yourself. The loss of trust in others almost always has us lose trust in ourselves. We’re left asking questions like: How did I miss it? How could I have been so foolish? How could I not know? How could I let this happen…again? ⁠
Restoring trust requires work with the Self AND with others. That’s what makes this particular rupture so challenging.
The above is a quote from my book, but I also share a quote from Ernest Hemingway in it that I find so potent when it comes to trusting again. He says: “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” I love this quote because it reminds us that the alternative (not trusting) doesn’t get us anywhere. This is meant to be an eyes-wide-open trust, not a reckless one. But if we don’t work on resolving this pain, if we don’t strengthen our relationship with discernment, and allow our nervous systems to be shown that trust can indeed exist, then the only option for us is to walk around the world and relationships with a high level of self protection (walls up, closed off, invulnerable, etc). Although this might protect you from the consequence you’re trying to avoid, it also keeps you from connection, love, trust, and intimacy. There’s a big loss there. ⁠An additional whammy — robbing something else from you.
The path is a hard fought one after a trust rupture, but it’s one of possibility.

Zoom out of the moment and connect to what predates it. There is a world of richness and complexity that happened before...
04/07/2026

Zoom out of the moment and connect to what predates it. There is a world of richness and complexity that happened before you, and if you don’t know much about it, or you don’t know what you ought to know about it, then it can be hard to love a partner well. Not because you don’t want to, but because you don’t fully understand where the origins of their pain is. The context is a gateway to understanding and a gateway to compassion. It’s sense-making in a relational world that can often feel confusing. This is not where the work ends, of course, but an incredibly important place to start.
That first question isn’t always easy to answer. What did you/they need most as a child and not get. Dont gloss over it. Really sit with it. Was it to feel important? To know it was okay to be imperfect? Was it to feel safe? To rely on a parent? To get more quality time with them? And then in what ways does that wound show up today? Maybe it’s not exactly the same, but has a familiarity to it.
If you or they don’t know where to start, feel free to take my free quiz (comment QUIZ), What’s Your Origin Wound, to learn more and identify the origin wound you struggle most with.

Happy anniversary, my love. 10 years together. 7 years married. I love building this life with you in all of the ways. 🧡...
04/06/2026

Happy anniversary, my love. 10 years together. 7 years married. I love building this life with you in all of the ways. 🧡

The balance, the intersection of where compassion and accountability meet. Where grace and ownership meet. Where tendern...
04/06/2026

The balance, the intersection of where compassion and accountability meet. Where grace and ownership meet. Where tenderness and responsibility meet. Lean too far in either direction and you miss something very important in the journey of learning how to love yourself.

People try to control others in an attempt (not necessarily conscious) to avoid facing their own fear and shame.Do you k...
04/05/2026

People try to control others in an attempt (not necessarily conscious) to avoid facing their own fear and shame.

Do you know someone controlling? Maybe it’s you. Maybe it was you. Maybe it’s a parent, a partner, a colleague, or a friend?⁠
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Notice who it is you’re thinking of as you read.⁠
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Instead of facing their fears or their shame, they find it more tolerable to exert power and control over another. This act creates the illusion that they are worthy and deserving of [insert outcome of control here] — maybe it’s being right, maybe it’s keeping you in their life, maybe it’s proving their point, maybe it’s having you submit to them in some way.⁠
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If someone needs to exert power over another it undoubtedly means that they feel powerless in themselves. All it does is create an illusion.⁠
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That illusion helps them avoid a belief that lies within: I am undeserving, I am unworthy, I am not good enough, I am powerless.⁠
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Control does not exist without shame and fear. It breeds off of it.⁠
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If this is you, might you turn safely towards your fears and shame? Might you begin to get to know them better so that they don’t rule your life? Ignoring, denying fears or avoiding them does not make anything go away...it intensifies it, even if you can’t see it.⁠
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If this is someone you know, how do you participate in this dance? Ooof this is a big one, friends. There isn’t room here to get into this part, but I’m curious what questions you have about being in a relationship with those who exhibit a need for control/power over you/others.⁠
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Let me remind you that the “small things” that we offer others over and over and over again are the things that can chan...
04/04/2026

Let me remind you that the “small things” that we offer others over and over and over again are the things that can change so much for another. These data points of care, trust, consistency, concern for, safety, responsiveness, and so forth offer healing and can begin to change a person’s story who had this missing. Please never underestimate the beautiful gift you offer others when you show up in this way, while also honoring what it is you need in relationship as well.
A few things to look out for:
Some people give and give and give in this way and then wind up in dynamics where the reciprocity feels off.
Your efforts need a place to land. Some people get caught giving and showing up in this way and the other person isn’t working on receiving the effort.
And lastly, this offering can sometimes come from a place of insecurity and wounding as opposed to it coming from an anchored place — it becomes more of an effort of doing in order to be loved back. Something to keep an eye on.

Big breath with this one. Have you ever faced this? The disruption of status quo is deeply destabilizing to the system t...
04/03/2026

Big breath with this one. Have you ever faced this? The disruption of status quo is deeply destabilizing to the system that struggles with dysfunction. It will want to pull back to status quo. Your growth asks you to risk something to honor your healing. Facing that consequence will test something deep within. It’s a tender space to be in. 🧡

Oh how I wish there would be an easy answer. There’s no one right path. The answer for one is not the answer for another...
04/03/2026

Oh how I wish there would be an easy answer. There’s no one right path. The answer for one is not the answer for another. A deeply personal path to go down as you face yourself - your fears, your dreams, your belief about what’s for you, what your role is, what you get to have in this lifetime. You face the parts that keep you stuck, small, disconnected.
This is a very tender space to be in. If you were sitting with me there would be so many questions to ask, so many parts to explore. But for now, might you sit with the questions I pose here and be as honest with yourself as possible. 🧡

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