03/06/2025
October 11, 2024, was the last time I journaled, 10 days before I started my first job as a nurse.
Here I am again, 16 days before flying solo.
I won’t have somebody holding my hand and taking care of me as I help to take care of patients. I won’t have somebody readily available to fix my mistakes or help me prevent them.
I went from stressing over exams that would cost me a good grade to stressing over what those exams were preparing me for — nursing in the real world.
In nursing school, you know that one of the answers is correct. So you have four options in front of you.
I’m no longer studying books, I’m studying people now. And there’s an infinite amount of possibilities that can happen…
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I don’t ask the right questions?
What if there’s something I’m not seeing?
What if I grab the wrong medication?
What if I give the wrong dosage?
What if I’m not fast enough?
What if I’m not good enough?
“What if” is a game that I can never win…
Recently, I did compressions on a patient for the first time in my life… He didn’t make it.
They teach you how to save a life, but not how to deal with losing one.
I went from being unable to sleep at night because I was worried what questions would be on the exam to not being able to sleep now because my adrenaline is spiked post-shift and I’m replaying every interaction, and what could I have done better?
Aside from the fear, stress, and the number of times I’ve cried in the past couple of months, I wouldn’t change a thing about the journey I’m on.
I’ve made it through countless obstacles in the past.
As much as I say I suck as a nurse, other people trust me & I know I’ll get better.
I don’t know what happens next, but I know I have no quit :)
“Even if things don’t unfold the way you expected, don’t be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end.” -D.I ❤️
