Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Emily H. Sanders, LMFT Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Teen Therapy, and Leadership Health.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

Mistakes will be made, feelings will be hurt. The goal is to show up rather than hide, avoid, or deflect. How you repair...
11/29/2025

Mistakes will be made, feelings will be hurt. The goal is to show up rather than hide, avoid, or deflect. How you repair when you make a mistake or cause pain says just as much about you (and how you value the relationship) as getting it right the first time does.

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While it’s important to learn how to handle confrontation (in particular, practicing using your voice) there can be time...
11/27/2025

While it’s important to learn how to handle confrontation (in particular, practicing using your voice) there can be times when confrontation or speaking up is NOT the ideal choice.

These slides contain a few reasons you may decide to leave something unsaid, including needing to stay safe or stopping a petty issue from continuing.

▶️ Reasons you may decide it is best to speak up:
- Someone is in immediate danger
- If you are being harmed or taken advantage of
- You’d regret not speaking up
- If there’s potential for understanding or closeness to be created between you or that person because of what is shared
- When you need to advocate for yourself or another person(s)
- When the person appears open to your thoughts
- Your silence would be damaging to the relationship/situation/you

➖As always, context matters➖
These lists are subjective and not exhaustive!

How do you decide when to speak up or leave something unsaid?

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11/27/2025

Avoidance or acknowledging your family’s limitations?

Many people who are working on their healing worry that they are just sweeping things under the rug if they don’t try to address the hard stuff when they’re with their family.

Healing also involves:
- knowing who to talk with about your hurt
- being sensitive to appropriate timing for hard conversations
- which subjects might leave you vulnerable to being hurt
- accepting who is unable or unwilling to have these important conversations with you
- the reality that most family dysfunction will need to be addressed over time and is rarely done all at once.

It’s ok if you need to fly under the radar this holiday to stay safe or to meet your family where they’re at.

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Sometimes the change you want isn’t going to come through your partner- it’s going to come when you change the way you r...
11/26/2025

Sometimes the change you want isn’t going to come through your partner- it’s going to come when you change the way you relate to the unchangeable.

Sometimes the hard decision we have to make is:
• I pick this person AND their dysfunction or the pain they bring. I understand choosing them is choosing all they bring with them, and I will stop looking for change and accept what is here.
OR
• I do NOT want pain and dysfunction so a goodbye is necessary. I can accept that what I want is not here, so I will look for it elsewhere.

Here is the gentle reminder that misplaced hope is denial.

May you have the stirring to know if/when it’s time to release hope.
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(This post can apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones.)

This older post feels fitting to share in the midst of talking about emotional availability. We can’t change anyone. Thi...
11/24/2025

This older post feels fitting to share in the midst of talking about emotional availability.

We can’t change anyone.

This could be good news or bad news for you, depending on your perspective:

1. You can’t make people change- RATS! Now you have to tolerate feeling frustrated and helpless.

2. It’s not your job or responsibility to make people change- RELIEF! If they choose not to change it’s not my fault or about me.

(Both are very valid responses.)

We can ask, plead, remind, give space, offer resources, and explain. However, people have to want to change for themselves.

If you are at a place where you are longing for someone to make changes but they aren’t, this is information regarding what the person is either unable or unwilling to do.

It’s crucial to remember we only get to make choices for our OWN lives- we have to be cautious of deferring responsibility to others for our lives….meaning many of us get stuck pleading for others to change so our life can be better. ( If THEY change then WE don’t have to make hard choices and do the uncomfortable work of following through on your boundaries.)

How is this reminder landing for you today? How much relief, how much grief?

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Emotional availability, part 5/5: The biggest question is always should I stay or should I go- should I try a little lon...
11/24/2025

Emotional availability, part 5/5: The biggest question is always should I stay or should I go- should I try a little longer?

I wish I had a magic 8 ball to tell you whether to leave or try harder- only you can answer that for yourself.

When I am working with someone who is trying to assess their relationship, these are points that are often discussed as we process their decisions- take whatever feels relevant to you.

Reminder: emotional availability is not a black or white/ yes or no thing, it’s a on spectrum. To what degree is someone open? (Again, we all need a few walls up to protect ourselves, but having massively thick walls that keep us from getting in touch with ourselves or others is not ideal.)

- Some people want to be more open, others don’t.
- Some people can change, others may not be able to change.
- Some can see that they’re shut down, others don’t realize how closed off they are.

You’re not trying to decide whether someone is “good or bad,” you are trying to discern if someone is willing and able to meet you in the relationship you are trying to create.

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Emotional availability, part 4/5- Again, let’s be cautious of using terms like “emotionally unavailable” as if it is a d...
11/23/2025

Emotional availability, part 4/5- Again, let’s be cautious of using terms like “emotionally unavailable” as if it is a dirty word. Many people have learned to cut themselves off from their own feelings and/or the feelings of others out of necessity.

It’s worth remembering: You can’t change this dynamic in others- no cracking the code to make someone be available. In our relationships we CAN bid others to come closer to us, to invite them into something deeper.

👉🏼These tips are not promises that your loved one will change, or that if you do these things perfectly that your relationship will change. They are here so that you can provide an environment in which your loved one can change if THEY WANT to.

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Emotional availability, part 3/5- Being emotionally available to others is what allows us to sustain an emotional connec...
11/21/2025

Emotional availability, part 3/5- Being emotionally available to others is what allows us to sustain an emotional connection and create intimacy in a relationship. Without an emotional connection it can be challenging to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Emotionally unavailable people have a difficult time staying engaged in relationships, and prefer to keep their distance, date casually, or keep their friendships at a surface level.

For those that desire a close emotional connection with their loved ones, attempting to connect with someone who is not available for connection is painful and frustrating.

The relationship/friendship may not progress- or even worse, the individual may pull away altogether, often without warning or reason.

We can not force someone to connect with us, regardless of how great our efforts are.

——

⚠️ I believe it’s important to be careful of using terms like “emotionally unavailable” as a bad word or weapon; people have their limitations for a reason. We have to be cautious of villainizing people.

Rather than trying to determine if someone is “good or bad,” try to focus on how the relationship is impacting you, and see if the person is trying to build the same kind of relationship you are.

If they aren’t, you are left with a hard decision: choose between settling on taking what they’re offering, or leaving to find what you’re looking for somewhere else.

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Emotional availability, part 2/5- A few suggestions for those who have a tough time getting close to others or to themse...
11/20/2025

Emotional availability, part 2/5- A few suggestions for those who have a tough time getting close to others or to themselves. (I’m sure you won’t be shocked to find that as a therapist I place a high priority on number 8.)

Knowing you are someone who struggles to be emotionally available to others is a huge first “step.” That awareness is a big deal; there are many for whom this doesn’t register as a personal issue, who don’t realize their own lack of availability. So if you’re frustrated with yourself, take a grain of hope from that!

Like darn near all things in life, emotional availability is not a black or white/yes or no thing, it’s a on spectrum. To what degree are we open? We need a few walls up to protect ourselves, but having massively thick walls that keep us from even getting in touch with ourselves is not ideal.

Again most unavailability is born out of some kind of necessity so don’t beat yourself up about it. There is always room for you to change.

Worth remembering: you can only change this in yourself. You can’t change this dynamic in others. In our relationships we CAN bid others to come closer to us, and be safe place for them to open up if/when they want to, and to offer comfort or grace when they are vulnerable. This is the gift relationship brings.

** Side note regarding #5: while this point emphasized verbal expression of feelings, finding an image, a color, sound or smell that represents what you’re feeling is also just fine. Sometimes words are limited, and words aren’t the only outlet for expression.**

If you’ve worked to get closer to yourself and others, what has helped you?

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A few thoughts on how emotional avoidance can show up in our relationships and get in the way of being seen by those who...
11/19/2025

A few thoughts on how emotional avoidance can show up in our relationships and get in the way of being seen by those who love us.

It’s important to understand that many of these behaviors developed as a form of self protection (often developed when we were young to adapt to our family of origin, but can also develop later in life for various reasons.)

Vulnerability IS a risk, after all. Some of us have grown up being shamed, dismissed, or having our sensitivities used against us. We have a biological imperative to keep ourselves safe- of course in these circumstances vulnerability is going out the window! Why on earth would you continue to open up when it isn’t safe?

The only issue we run into, however, is that these coping skills we develop as children do not translate well into adult relationships. The things that one helped might be getting in the way.

Working on it can look like:
1. Creating the awareness that you have a tendency towards avoidance.
2. Becoming mindful of settings that make you want to pull away, shut down, or hide.
3. Pay attention to/observe your feelings from a place of neutrality- no judgement. What are you feeling? (Google a feelings chart to help out words to what you may be feeling, if needed.)
4. Gently push yourself to be 10-20% more open with people who seem to be safe- that can look like asking for someone’s input or help on a low-level need, saying you’re having a tough day without joking about it, or sharing a nice memory from your childhood.

(Reminder, safe people are those who:
- leave room for your feelings and experiences
- don’t judge, criticize or weaponize what you share
- are quick to celebrate you or be happy for you
- aren’t defensive or punishing
- make sure their words and actions line up)

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It’s no surprise that respect is an important part of a healthy relationship. While all relationships have challenging s...
11/18/2025

It’s no surprise that respect is an important part of a healthy relationship. While all relationships have challenging seasons, it’s important to maintain respect throughout these times.

Disregarding your partner’s interests, belittling them, rolling your eyes when they’re speaking, or poking fun at things they’re self conscious about will erode safety over time.

It’s important to talk about respect with your partner early in your relationship, as often people have differing views on what this looks like for them.

Discuss with your partner:
• What respect means for each of you.
• What behaviors make you/them feel disrespected.
• Whether there are behaviors that are non-negotiable.
• What kind of repair efforts are appreciated if/when feelings are hurt.
• What behaviors clearly communicate respect.
• Discuss love languages (you can do a quick google search to explain if you don’t know what these are.)
• Revisit boundaries/needs/limitations.

Aim to do your best to treat your partner with dignity, even in heated moments.

(And yes, respect should be both given and received!)

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Things you don’t need to apologize for. What else should we add here?✔️ Alternatives to “sorry”:- Excuse me.- Thank you ...
11/17/2025

Things you don’t need to apologize for.
What else should we add here?

✔️ Alternatives to “sorry”:
- Excuse me.
- Thank you for being patient.
- I appreciate your time.
- I appreciate your support.
- Thank you for listening.
- Thanks for waiting.
- You’ve been so helpful.
- I appreciate being given another chance.
- I understand now.

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1601 Dove Street, Suite 212
Newport Beach, CA
92660

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Tuesday 9am - 6pm
Wednesday 2pm - 8pm
Thursday 10am - 2pm
Friday 9am - 7pm

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+17145892307

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