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Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

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Newport Beach, CA
Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Teen Therapy, and Leadership Health.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

04/13/2026

Many people find they struggle to know how to respond when they are offered an apology. This can be for a number of reasons:
• They are still hurting
• The apology feels empty
• It feels too vulnerable to admit they were actually hurt
• It’s hard to know how to proceed afterwards
• They are scared they’ll get hurt again
• They don’t feel ready to extend forgiveness
• ____ insert your reason here.

If you felt pain as the result of something that was said or done to you, then you do not want to say “it’s ok,” because it isn’t ok.

One relational approach to handling this is to acknowledge: 1. Hurt was done, and 2. I hear you (this piece is helpful when you want honor a sincere apology, as they’re often very humbling to give. This is especially relevant when you are repairing a relationship you want to maintain.)

I wanted to offer a variety of responses above, as some wounding strike much more deeply than others.
Sometimes receiving an apology is all that is needed to continue in the relationship, sometimes an apology alone is not a fix.

Take whatever you want from above and put them into your own words. (But if you’re caught off guard or are anxious during the conversation and all you can get out is “it’s ok” don’t be hard on yourself!)

———

To those who receive an apology where NO apology is needed you can respond:
• “Thank you for your apology but I don’t need one.”
• “I appreciate your sensitivity toward my feelings, but I wasn’t hurt by what you did.”
• “I can see you are concerned about how I feel, but you don’t need to be. I will be honest if you ever do hurt my feelings.”

04/12/2026

There’s a reason these apologies don’t feel great when you hear them. They lack remorse, understanding, ownership, or a sincere effort to repair.

If someone offers you an apology that doesn’t feel genuine or avoids ownership, you can simply say, “It’s hard for me to accept your apology because you aren’t addressing what happened.”

✔️ A good apology needs to acknowledge the offense directly and the pain that was caused.

EXAMPLES:
• “I am sorry I said ____ to you. I can see why that hurt you so much. I don’t want you to feel that way.”
• “I should not have done _____. I didn’t handle that well; I am sorry. Next time I will try _____.”
• “I know I really hurt you. I’m sorry. I want to make sure you know I am here to talk through it as much as you need until you feel better.”
• “I made you feel _____ when I said ____; did I get that right? I want to make sure I understand how I hurt you so I don’t do it again. I am sorry.”

What’s the worst apology you’ve received?

04/09/2026

Explaining to someone why they shouldn’t feel hurt is going to get you nowhere FAST (well, it may certainly get you to an argument quickly!)

It can be difficult (and humbling) to apologize for hurting someone we care about, especially when it wasn’t intentional. BUT first, hear your loved one out.

Defensiveness makes us want to push away the idea we could have hurt someone we love.

The compassionate thing to do is listen, then acknowledge that hurt does exist for that person; it’s kind to offer an apology even when the hurt wasn’t intentional. This softens many tense situations, and opens the line for communication up again.

👉🏼 A empathetic response to unintentional hurt can sound like:

• “Thank you for telling me I hurt your feelings; I’m sorry. Are you open to me explaining what I meant?”
• “Can you please help me understand how what I said hurt you? Those weren’t my intentions, and I want to understand so I don’t make that mistake again.”
• “I can definitely see that I upset you; I am sorry I hurt you.”
• “It makes sense that you were hurt when I hear how you interpreted the situation. I’m sorry I contributed to the hurt. That’s not what I was going for.”
• “I’m really glad you brought this up; I would be so sad if this came between us- you’re so important to me.”

Ideally, in a healthy relationship, room is created for empathy on *both* sides.

⚠️ Disclaimer: This is not meant to reinforce manipulative behavior, nor meant to encourage thoughtless apologies to get out of tough conversations.

——

04/08/2026

The question isn’t, “Am I going to mess up?” The question is, “How am I going to respond or repair WHEN I mess up?”

Mistakes happen.
Poor behavior happens in heated moments.
Conflicts can’t (and shouldn’t) always be avoided.

The way we show up to take responsibility for our behavior is crucial in building and maintaining trust. It’s extremely vulnerable to step up to own a mistake and make efforts to correct it, and requires courage and maturity.

——
A few thoughts:

•• Keep in mind how important guilt is. Guilt is such a helpful feeling! If you behave in a way that’s outside of your value system, guilt turns on like a little alarm bell to alert us that a correction needs to be made. Our guilt can prompt us to go make a repair so you can continue on; if handled properly our guilt can lead us towards our loved one. (Shame, on the other hand, is not helpful. Shame tells us we ARE bad, and leads us to withdraw.)

•• Take time to reflect on your behavior- especially when you made a regrettable decision.
- What were you feeling?
- Are you aware of what your trigger was?
- Were any old feelings (I.e. from childhood, past trauma, etc) resurfacing in that heated moment?
- What do you wish you had done or said instead?
- To what extent can you say or do that thing now?

** This language is just an example; take my words and put them into yours! You get the gist.

——

04/07/2026

It’s so important that we can differentiate the difference between sharing our intention and acknowledging our impact when talking through our misses and hurts in our relationships. You may have had good or innocent intentions and *still* hurt someone you love. (This is a big one in ALL kinds of relationships!)

Yes, you can share what your intentions were, but your loved one will have a much better job hearing you if you acknowledge their hurt and frustration first.

Acknowledge your impact before moving on to explain your intention. (Sometimes talking about your intention needs to come later in a pt 2 of the tense conversation. Little misses and mistakes may be really easy to recover from; much bigger hurts may require a cool down before you move into explaining yourself.)

——

04/05/2026

No matter how hard you try, you can’t control the outcome of your conversations- including getting someone to engage with you in a meaningful way, open up to you, or to have the hard conversation you know needs to happen.

This can be such a painful truth for those of us who are still hoping to be able to talk more deeply with a loved one.

Be cautious of seeing someone’s limitations or disinterest as a sign that you need to try harder. Do your best to focus on what you are responsible for.

It takes more than one person to create a healthy connection.

04/03/2026

Communication can get strained; asking for the other person’s perspective can go a long way in softening tension.

Reminders:
• It takes 2 people to have a truly productive conversation. Be gracious and mindful of your wording, AND also you can’t force someone to engage who doesn’t want to, not matter how kind or mature you are.

• Some conversations need a little pause. Big topics usually require several convos.

• No matter how hard you try, you can’t control the outcome of your conversations- including getting someone to engage with you in a meaningful way, open up to you, or to have the hard conversation you know needs to happen.

04/01/2026

It’s fun and important to talk about what’s going well in your relationship! It is also important to be able to gently visit the parts that need to be strengthened.

It takes courage and humility to ask your partner for feedback that could make you feel upset- particularly with yourself. And yet, what an incredibly loving thing to set your defenses aside to ask where you might improve.

If what you hear is hard to take in, thank your partner for being brave enough to be honest and let them know you’re going to think over what they shared. Ask more questions if you need clarification. Remind them that you love them, and consider offering an apology if one is warranted.

And be kind to yourself- relationshipping is hard work. You always have another opportunity to show up as the partner you want to be.

——

03/31/2026

Emotional safety is crucial for a thriving relationship; being consistent in the small moments makes a BIG impact in the long term.

1. Be careful about the assumptions you make.
2. Communicate when things change on your end.
3. Be quick to listen and slow to respond.

03/30/2026

Part of how we tend to our relationship is by learning to tolerate some of the messiness and imperfections that come with relationshipping.

• Not everything can be fixed immediately.
• Our partners are different than us – which is good AND can feel hard.
• Feelings get hurt.
• Old wounds can get bumped up against.
• Frustration makes its appearance.
• You and your partner have different ways of handling situations.
• You’re forced to pick your battles.

During the infatuation stage of the relationship (or, the “love bubble” as I call it) you aren’t bogged down or bothered yet by the imperfections in the other person. You might even find the imperfections and differences cute! But as time goes on, the love bubble pops, and the work of sustaining a relationship begins. 🫶🏼

—> This does not apply to abusive relationships! We should not learn to get “better” at tolerating abuse.”

03/27/2026

Love doesn’t require us to lose ourselves; it does, however, require us to give.

——

03/26/2026

Little positive behaviors make a BIG positive impact in our relationships.

What “little” things would you add to this list?

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Address

1601 Dove Street, Suite 212
Newport Beach, CA
92660

Opening Hours

Monday	10am - 1pm
Tuesday	9am - 4pm
Wednesday	9am - 3pm
Thursday	9am - 6pm
Friday	9am - 4pm

Telephone

+17145892307

Website

http://www.emilyhsanders.com/

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