02/25/2026
“I did my best.” 👉🏼 one of the most common responses a parent gives when their adult child attempts to discuss the pain points of their upbringing; it’s also one of the least helpful responses, unfortunately.
Admittedly, the vast majority of parents don’t set out to hurt their children. It can be incredibly overwhelming, painful, and guilt provoking to hear that you hurt the child that you love. Of course defenses are going to flare up to push away all of those awful feelings. Of course you want empathy from your child, and hope that they will have compassion on your choices.
Unfortunately, when you respond this way, you are indirectly communicating to your child that they don’t have a right to their feelings, that you still can’t handle their feelings, or that you don’t care.
In reality, your child bringing their hurt to you is a way of them trying to repair their relationship with you. Generally speaking, you can’t fix something that you don’t know has an issue. When a problem is brought to your attention, you can then begin to address it. The same is true of the relationship with your child- they are trying to make a connection.
Believe it or not, your child wants you to hear them out, to tell them you’re trying to understand, to tell them that they don’t have to protect your feelings, that you’re strong enough to take ownership over what didn’t go smoothly in their upbringing.
Here are a few ways you can consider responding if/when your child brings a point of tension up with you. As always, these words are just suggestions; take what works for you or use them as a springboard.
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