Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Emily H. Sanders, LMFT Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Attachment wounds, and divorce recovery.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

We can do a lot of personal work on ourselves when we are alone; it’s important to turn inward and be curious about ours...
06/03/2026

We can do a lot of personal work on ourselves when we are alone; it’s important to turn inward and be curious about ourselves.

However, that personal work is often challenged in our relationships; there is so much we can learn about ourselves in the vulnerability and messiness of our relationships. It’s a lot of work to hold onto yourself and make room for someone else at the same time.

What have your relationships taught you? (Romantic or otherwise?)

Sometimes the change you want isn’t going to come through your partner- it’s going to come when you change the way you r...
06/02/2026

Sometimes the change you want isn’t going to come through your partner- it’s going to come when you change the way you relate to the unchangeable.

Sometimes the hard decision we have to make is:
• I pick this person AND their dysfunction or the pain they bring. I understand choosing them is choosing all they bring with them, and I will stop looking for change and accept what is here.
OR
• I do NOT want pain and dysfunction so a goodbye is necessary. I can accept that what I want is not here, so I will look for it elsewhere.

Here is the gentle reminder that misplaced hope is denial.

May you have the stirring to know if/when it’s time to release hope.
——

(This post can apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones.)

It can be painful to watch someone you care about make choices that you don’t agree with or may hurt them- yet they are ...
06/01/2026

It can be painful to watch someone you care about make choices that you don’t agree with or may hurt them- yet they are allowed to make those choices.

It can be tempting to try to body-block people from choices that might be detrimental, but it is import to let people experience consequences that can deliver lessons or help them come to their own conclusions.

You can care, love, and support.
You cannot rescue, think for, or choose for someone.

Learn to give without strings and expectations attached.

We can’t change anyone. This could be good news or bad news for you, depending on your perspective: 1. You can’t make pe...
05/31/2026

We can’t change anyone.

This could be good news or bad news for you, depending on your perspective:

1. You can’t make people change- RATS! Now you have to tolerate feeling frustrated and helpless.

2. It’s not your job or responsibility to make people change- RELIEF! If they choose not to change it’s not my fault or about me.

(Both are very valid responses.)

We can ask, plead, remind, give space, offer resources, and explain. However, people have to want to change for themselves.

If you are at a place where you are longing for someone to make changes but they aren’t, this is information regarding what the person is either unable or unwilling to do.

It’s crucial to remember we only get to make choices for our OWN lives- we have to be cautious of deferring responsibility to others for our lives….meaning many of us get stuck pleading for others to change so our life can be better. ( If THEY change then WE don’t have to make hard choices and do the uncomfortable work of following through on your boundaries.)

How is this reminder landing for you today? How much relief, how much grief?

A little kindness and compassion can go a very long way; there are moments when it is very appropriate to go the extra m...
05/30/2026

A little kindness and compassion can go a very long way; there are moments when it is very appropriate to go the extra mile for someone we love (or even for a stranger.)

HOWEVER, constantly going the extra mile will run you down; feeling depleted, exhausted and resentful will take its toll on you and your relationships— especially in the relationships in which you over-give but under-receive. Chronic giving is not sustainable.

Caring for yourself, and being honest about your needs and limitations with the people you care about, will help you create stronger and more satisfying relationships.

Trust has a lot to do with emotional safety, and is maintained by more than feeling confident that your partner won’t ch...
05/29/2026

Trust has a lot to do with emotional safety, and is maintained by more than feeling confident that your partner won’t cheat on you. Trust can be chipped away slowly by repeat offenses like the kinds listed above.

✅ Trust is BUILT and nurtured by:
• words and behavior aligning
• consistency that allows you to know what you can expect
• being respectful of you and your resources (time, energy, physical property, etc)
• showing empathy and compassion
• demonstrating transparency (information is available to you; no secrecy)
• being teachable and taking ownership when wrong

——

Tomlinson EC, Dineen BR, Lewicki RJ. The road to reconciliation: Antecedents of victim willingness to reconcile following a broken promise. J Manage. 2004;30(2):165–187

Hardin R (2002) Trust and Trustworthiness (Russell Sage Foundation, New York, NY), pp xxi, 234 pp.

There are so many well-intentioned messages on social media, in books, and on podcasts about: not needing anyone, rigid ...
05/28/2026

There are so many well-intentioned messages on social media, in books, and on podcasts about: not needing anyone, rigid boundary setting, red flags, and being super independent. So often these messages don’t ALSO hold the reality that there is a lot of uncomfortable stuff that has to happen to create something secure.

Choose someone who will work through the issues that come with relationshipping. Healthy relationships are co-created. L...
05/27/2026

Choose someone who will work through the issues that come with relationshipping. Healthy relationships are co-created. Look for someone who is capable of building something safe. BE that person. ❤️

Emotional safety is ESSENTIAL for a thriving relationship. Building emotional safety is something that takes time and ex...
05/26/2026

Emotional safety is ESSENTIAL for a thriving relationship.

Building emotional safety is something that takes time and experiences with the person. At the beginning of the relationship our tolerance is high, and the love bubble motivates us to show up easily. As time goes on and infatuation dips, we get more opportunity to show and practice loving as we face tension points and conflict.

When we don’t feel emotionally safe, it’s hard for our best selves to show up. We may feel more inclined to attack, shut down, or cling as our nervous system revs up. Unfortunately, these behaviors that are unconsciously meant to help us feel *safer* often end up putting heavy strain on the relationship.

Our romantic relationships are very vulnerable, and it’s not uncommon to bump up against pieces of ourselves that still need to be healed. Our partners often hit nerves and wounds that our families have contributed to.

If you find that it’s hard for you to feel emotionally safe despite having a consistent and supportive partner, that is something to let yourself feel curious about. If your partner is provoking heavy feelings that are familiar to you, that is also something to be curious about.

We ALL get the chance to address our wounds in our relationships- old hurts, old anxieties, old family dynamics, and old...
05/25/2026

We ALL get the chance to address our wounds in our relationships- old hurts, old anxieties, old family dynamics, and old insecurities all fire off as we try to get close to someone.

This makes relationshipping really challenging; we are trying to figure out: am I safe with you?

Safety is REALLY put to the test in high-tension moments. All of us can be kind, gracious, and reassuring when we are calm. But when we are angry, confused, or defensive? Not easy.

And the “not easy” moments are the ones that make the biggest impact.

The more you can demonstrate that you care even in the middle of stuff being hard goes a very long way. These are the moments that speak volumes.

(And don’t stress about getting right all the time; if you flub it up, own it. Take feedback. Ask how you made them feel. Apologize with sincerity, and try to plan for next time.)

Address

1601 Dove Street, Suite 212
Newport Beach, CA
92660

Opening Hours

Monday 10am - 1pm
Tuesday 9am - 4pm
Wednesday 9am - 3pm
Thursday 9am - 6pm
Friday 9am - 4pm

Telephone

+17145892307

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