Sullivan's Message

02/19/2025

10/12/2024

Today I was slapped in the face this morning while sitting at counter at Don’s Diner. No one saw it coming. Chris was only two stools away from me enjoying the company of Reese and didn’t see it happen. I didn’t see it coming.

You think you are so aware of your surroundings, yet something can sneak up and smack you so hard that tears roll down your cheeks instantly. The tears were fast, and heavy, if I can describe them like that. Like the drawings of teardrops that you see in advertisements. Fast and wet and heavy.

The reason I didn’t see it coming was because I was also talking to Reese. I mistakenly said she was 10 and she corrected me and said “Manni, I’m only 9”. I said, I know that….sorry. Then that’s when the slap hit me.

No - Reese did not slap me because I said the wrong age. The moment did. I looked at Reese’s little face, so sweet and full of life and love and innocence and then I instantly saw Logan’s face. At 10 years old. My sweet little Logan, all blonde and sweet like my Reese. Only 10 years old. With a life ahead of him filled with joy, love, and feeling safe.

I then realized that Reese is almost the same age as Logan was when I had to sit him down on those front steps at Jodi and Scott’s and tell him his sister was found and that she had gone to Heaven. How did I even do that? I know that is one of the many moments I had that weekend that I have blocked out of my memory. I know I did it, but God doesn’t allow me to remember the feeling of if. I know how I must have felt, but I don’t remember the motions. My Logan’s life changed on those front steps forever, just like Zack and mine did on that field, an hour before.

The slap today at Don’s Diner hurt so bad. I just kept seeing how my family’s life changed in a moment. That’s what happens to people everyday, yet the World keeps moving. Days go by, years go by, decades go by and that 10 year old on the steps somehow turns 26 in a blink of an eye. I still just want to hold him and protect him from this harsh world. I wish I could go back in time, to 16 years ago and just run away with my family. Get in my car, grab Zack, Tay and Logan and put them in the car and just escape the end of October 2008.

Wishing for the impossible is one way we cope with loss. Remembering the pain is another. Many avoid the pain at all costs. I don’t, because the pain and heartbreak is part of the the love.

Just like this morning, when I stared away from Reese and Chris so they wouldn’t see my tears, I will go to bed with new heavy tears in my eyes and stare into my dark room as I pray to Tay and God for strength as the days approach ….. Oct 17, 18, 19 and 20….please be kind to my family this year. With Audrey’s baptism on the 20th, God will be by our sides for sure. Logan will be home too. And so will our sweet Tay as she blesses her sweet niece, Miss Audrey Jay.

I may have not been able to escape October 2008 with all my kids in the car with me…but October 2024…I’ll have all my kids by my side, Tay included, and two more beautiful grandbabies showing me that there is life, love, joy and safety all around us still…….

(The photo below was taken at the PAL today. That’s Tay’s tree they planted in honor of her…it’s a little broken, some bark and limbs broken, but strong and sturdy still, showing us all that we don’t have to be perfect to blend some and be strong!)

10/01/2024

October 1st

You have arrived again. I still don’t like you.

I look at the numbers 10-1 on my phone this morning and I feel a cloud hovering over me; much like the ones I saw as I laid on my back on that runway in Norfolk while I prayed to God to give me my kid back.

I look at the combinations of the letters
O - C – T – O – B – E – R and I wonder how the word can hurt my heart so much.

Have I given it that power? If I have, how do I take it back?

I’ve been fighting this battle for 16 years this month on the 17th. 16 years is a very long time for something to have control over you. I’ve actually felt it creeping up on me, as the last few days of September leaves us. My step has been dragging, my posture feeling sad. Like I’m preparing for a fight against my breath. As I sit here now, I feel my throat tightening, making it harder to swallow and my head actually feels heavier to hold.

I’m so done with this. The reality is Taylor’s not here in November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, and September also! Why do I let fu***ng October derail me?????

I’m taking this month and I’m going to commit to moving forward everyday like I have been encouraging all my fellow Mom’s in this club to do forever now. My Tay is up there celebrating the beauty of the leaves changing, the cool air coming in and all that fall brings us. My goal is to move….yoga, hiking, walking, maybe some resistance training for my flabby arms. I’d like to start journaling again too. Would any of you like to take the challenge with me and commit to moving everyday and journaling something - once a day - doing something in honor of my Tay and more importantly yourself????

I’ll end this with this photo. My first look at the phone today and I saw the screen shot with Zack and my beautiful granddaughter Audrey behind it. I of course noticed the damn date. October 1. But then I looked below it.

7:15

Tay’s birthday. The date that really counts.

I’ll take this as a little hello from my kid telling me that everything is going to be okay this month. She’s got my back like always.

Thanks Tay - it’s just what your Momma needed.

Now who’s joining me? Your own commitment to movement everyday - whatever that looks like for you and also taking 10 mins at the beginning or end of your day to reflect and maybe write something positive to yourself?? Comment with “I’m In” and I’ll check up on you weekly during the Month of October! Who knows - may just be what you need too because I’m surely not alone in this thing called life!

08/15/2024

https://youtu.be/1S1LEoZ_KOg?si=ByBHL9C2o4vnvpPi

Really good one to listen too. At one point in this conversation, Mel has a conversation with her daughter Sawyer. As I watched the two of them conversing, it reminded me of how Tay and I would chat and how I would look at Taylor with love as I sat across from her amazingness. I wish I had been given the opportunity for Taylor to be sitting across the table from me at 25 years old, talking about her WHY's? At one point, Sawyer her daughter said "So, Mom, what do you want?"..... her little face glowed as she asked her.

I'm taking that question, and I'm hearing Tay say it. I'm going to reflect today and see what I come up with today. Been emotional these past few days...lots on my heart and head.

So, please take the time to listen to this...she's even got a great new free workbook you can download on your "What do you want". I promise you, you will be glad you did.

I'll end with that I loved to see such a strong connection between a Mom and a Daughter. I so would have had my Taylor watching Mel and her videos and seeking some Mom advice from her if she was here, just like I've told so many high school students that I have met to follow her. If you have any daughters (sons too!), share her with them. We can always use an extra connection.

Thanks again Mel - you are amazing!

04/17/2024

What a blessed day at Northwest Catholic yesterday! We got to share with the entire school and met the kindest students! I probably hugged at least 200 students yesterday! I always say that it’s such a beautiful thing being able to share my faith with students in private schools. I know that God helped me survive the loss of my Tay and He continues to give me strength to walk my path every day! (It was dress down day for the students - I loved seeing them in their own clothes!).

03/23/2024

Just found this online and it’s beautiful. She helped write it about her sister who she lost. I hope when my boys hear it they realize that they were lucky enough to have Taylor as a sister to love, even if only for 17 years with Zack and 10 years for Logan. I know I hear it and know that I was lucky enough to be her Mom from her first breathe to her last, 17 years , three months and three day in Earth and for infinity from beyond. Whomever you may have lost….listen to the words! We are lucky enough!

The official music video for Carvin Walls song "Lucky Enough" an emotional and inspirational song about loosing a loved one. Directed by Karl Weidmann, and C...

03/21/2024

I just realized I never shared this picture!! When we went to the SADOD Grief Conference last October, there was this amazing photographer who has there to take pictures for THE FACES OF RESILENCE! Barbara wrote a book and it is pictures of all the different faces of resilience! Everyone took a marker and wrote on themselves what they felt they wanted to write. We all decided to take our pictures together with each of us having a letter spelling
F - O - R - W -A -R -D. Because that's what we do every day.... move forward! These are SOME of my MOVING FORWARD MOMMAS...........and as most of you know, we gather together every Tuesday night on a zoom meeting to discuss life after the loss of a child, be it to anything; miscarriage, stillbirths, illnesses, substance use disorder, alcohol use disorder, accidents, su***de or unknown causes. The loss of a child is a loss of a child, whether they were second old or 50 years olds. Doesn't matter, those are our babies!

This group of strong women keep me moving each week. We truly are a force to be reckoned with!! We laugh, we cry, we bitch, we moan, we share, we talk about everything, our kids and our lives...but each we we support each other with whatever journey one of may be on for the week.

Yes - I guess it's a grief group...............but we grieve as real as it gets. The good, the bad and the very ugly. It doesn't matter. If you are looking for a depressing, suffocating group - we aren't your peeps, but if you are looking for real conversations, tough conversations, laughter and connection - WE GOT YOUR BACK! It's funny, because part of my message when Tay first passed was "have each other's back" and it still is, but little did I know that I was going to form friendships with amazing Mom's that also have kids in Heaven....and we were going to have each others back like nothing I could even ever imagine feeling!

If you are a Mom - or know one...........come on board...you will be glad you did!

Kathi Meyer Sullivan is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Moving FORWARD Parent Meeting
Every Tuesday 07:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/87805030548?pwd=SXV5RjhidGQ0dmlwUGJITlFxcEZ2UT09

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