04/01/2026
To all the men and women who wanted to be chosen....as children and adults.
3/31/26
I really thought if I loved you right, it would save both of us. If I could just be steady enough, soft enough, understanding enough, be the fu***ng healer I am… you’d choose me over whatever it was you kept running to. The distractions, the numbing, the avoidance, the constant need to not feel what was actually there.
I told myself your avoidance wasn’t rejection. It was pain. Something I could help hold, help heal, that if anyone could do it, I could. I mean, it's what I do on the daily for many others.
And if I did that well enough, you’d stay, you'd get well, you'd choose different.
But every time you disappeared, whether it was into work, substances, silence, or just checking out, it hit something older in me. Something that already knew what it felt like to not be chosen.
So I adapted, became easy to love, low maintenance, understanding. The one who didn’t ask for too much, didn’t push, didn’t call things out when they felt off. I swallowed what I needed to say and told myself it was patience, maturity, compassion.
But really I was abandoning myself in real time.
Because loving you meant walking alone in many ways. Pretending I didn’t notice when you weren’t actually there. Accepting crumbs and calling it connection. Telling myself depth meant inconsistency and that instability was something to work through instead of walk away from. Each time you pulled back, I didn’t just see you, I felt the old story in my body light up...the one that says love is something you earn. Something you prove yourself worthy of by staying, by fixing, by being “enough.”
So I stayed. Even when my body knew better.
And yeah… I eventually got angry. Like unhinged, screaming mad at you, for not choosing me. For numbing out. For leaving me alone inside something that was supposed to be shared.
But if I’m honest, that anger wasn’t really about you. It wasn't.
It was about me.
For staying when I knew. For shrinking myself to fit into someone else’s avoidance. For trying to be the reason someone healed instead of being the one who walked away. For making someone else’s love the thing that would finally make me feel enough.
You weren’t my villain. You were a mirror.
You avoided feeling. I avoided leaving.
Same wound. Different armor.
I see it now, I wasn’t trying to fix you. I was trying to outrun the part of me that believed love had to feel like this.
I’m not angry anymore, but I am done.
Done betraying myself for potential.
Done confusing inconsistency for depth.
Done calling survival love.
Done with the fake hippie bulls**t that dresses up dysfunction and calls it healing or compassion or community.
Done making excuses for patterns that are really just avoidance, or just plain unwillingness to grow.
Done shrinking, softening, and silencing myself to stay connected to anyone who isn’t connected to themselves.
I’m choosing me now. Not in a cliché way… in a real way. The kind that actually costs something.
Like, recognizing that sneaky pattern coming to the surface even after all this work and being shown just what is happening in real time. It was that younger version again, the one who wanted to be chosen.
F**k... I'm still reaching to be chosen. Then the real eruption of reality comes. Oh, I don't have this all figured out. Here comes another round of real work. The embodied experience.
Immediately after hanging up the phone. It came like an uninvited visitor, banging from the inside of my gut and heart. The tears and cellular memory came furiously. That inner child finally liberated, not just from the mind but from the body, out of the nervous system, out of the cells. The tears and wails poured from a place I knew existed but didn't really KNOW until this moment.
Then a stillness washes over and I hear the voice of Creator whisper, "This is it, this is the work. You don’t need to be chosen anymore, you already are. You all are."
My loves, you are chosen. Start living accordingly. ♥️ This is the work, to feel it and face it and let it be expressed through the body and emotions. ✨️ I am hellbent on living these days.
