02/11/2024
Hi world,
How are you doing out there?
I hope you are doing as well as can be ❣️
I’m having a rather vulnerable moment, myself. In fact, I feel like I’ve been suspended in this never ending vulnerable moment.
Please, will you bear with me while I weep?
As many of you know, I was bamboozled into full-time service with Jehovah’s Witnesses right after I graduated high school. I gave them my utmost service for 18 years from the time I was 20 until I was 38.
It does not feel good to know I was swinging for the wrong team all that time.
They did a good job of instilling a deep sense of worthlessness. I learned their favorite illustration of how to measure our dispensability in the world scene. They would say all you need to do is fill a bucket with water and put your hand in it. Then observe the amount of space remains where your hand was in the water after you remove it. That amount of space is the direct measurement of dispensability. The Indespensabile Man test, they called it.
The nerd in me has actually tried this out, you know, in the name of science ❣️🧪🔬 And to my everlasting sadness, the overall resounding result is that there is never any space left. My measurement of indispensability equals zero percent. While this data leaves me feeling deeply grieved, I have also observed and documented how much truth there is to their statement.
No matter how much and how many times I show up for the world, the moment I withdraw from it, the space I created gets swallowed up and life seems to go on as if I was never there.
When I think in terms of other people, I can always see why we need them in the world. When I look at each of you, I can see how your presence matters and makes up the most beautiful parts of life.
Thank you for being in the world ❣️
Thank you for showing up just as you are❣️
Right now, I know I have some cognitive dissonance and distortion going on regarding my own sense of self worth. I’m feeling like I crashed and burned and am failing to see my own self worth. I feel utterly dispensable and dispensed with by communities I really believed in and thought I was showing up in a meaningful way. The words, “I never intended to be more than acquaintances.” after years of social interaction still burn in my heart.
I’m trying hard to remember that it’s ok that not everyone wants to be my friend and that not everyone is gonna wanna be. And I know that you, my real friends are out there. You keep proving it to me and showing up for me time after time. And I feel ever so grateful for you. I don’t think I say thank you enough.
And even though I’m feeling low right now, I still want to suit up and show up for you. Do you need a listening ear? Or a reminder why you are so unbelievably precious to me? Please don’t hesitate to drop me a line❣️ I’m here for you ❣️
And please, my big ask, today, is could you remind me why my place in the world matters to you?
Or drop me your favorite picture or meme?
Wanna show off your fur babies or real babies?
Please, just a little love in the comments?
Thank you ❣️
All my love,
Antoinette
Ps: i dedicate this favorite song of mine by the masterful wordsmith, Fulton Lee called Close to the Edge.
Artist - Fulton Lee. An Exceptional Young Man.This is HOW MUSIC HEALS. God Bless both of these men and anyone else that needed to sit on that stool. Thank yo...
