02/27/2023
RELATIONSHIPS AND MENTAL HEALTH
It isn't easy nowadays to find someone who isn't dealing with at least one Mental Health Challenge. In a world where depression and anxiety especially are so common, and from very early stages in life, you are most likely bound to either bump, socialize or find yourself in a relationship with someone who has a Mental Health Challenge, whether diagnosed or not. The big question here is: are you willing and ready to embrace the challenge that this might face?
Mental Health isn't something that suddenly goes away just because you "put some effort into it" or because you found yourself someone you believe to be the perfect partner. Mental Health, more than an emotional state or a mood, is attributed to chemical imbalances in the brain due to stress or trauma experienced throughout life, be it during childhood or in latter stages. Mental Health Challenges can be managed by therapy and the appropriate treatment provided by a healthcare professional, but it isn't all about that.
Rejection, bias, discrimination, lack of support from friends and/or family, social and/or family pressure, they all can contribute to deteriorate someone's mental health, regardless of what kind of treatment the patient receives. Medication will most likely help cope and hide or numb out the negative feelings, but this will eventually be only a build-up of pressure in the patient's mind until the time comes when they can't take it anymore and get tired of pretending, which may lead into irrational actions that may or may not be dangerous to themselves or others.
"My partner has a Mental Health diagnosed challenge. What should I do?"
There are two possible scenarios in this case:
1. Your partner developed a Mental Health Challenge, or was diagnosed with one during the time of your relationship.
2. Your partner had a diagnosed Mental Health Challenge since before you were in a relationship or even met.
In both cases, having a partner with a Mental Health Challenge can be difficult at times. Communication, support, patience, understanding, affection and commitment to your partner will be crucial for them to find shelter and feel safe with you. Whether the diagnose came to be due to a relationship experience between you, or was triggered due to a memory from the past that suddenly resurfaced, it is important to seek out guidance together as a couple. A couple's therapist or counselor will be the best guide to help you both understand the situation and you understand your partner better; at home, you can make sure you learn to listen to your partner's needs and give them a safe space to vent their feelings.
If the Mental Health Challenge came to be due to a situation, or series of them, during your relationship it would be a good idea to open dialog with your partner; listen to their concerns and, preferably, find professional guidance if you are both going to work on making the relationship work.
But, what about if it was something your partner was already struggling with since before the relationship? Chances are your partner communicated this during the early stages of the relationship, maybe even before a first date? Since you were aware of it, yet you continued to pursue the relationship, you most likely knew, for the lack of a better expression, what you were signing up for. Sometimes people believe the issue will go away as the relationship progresses; problem is: it doesn't.
When you go into a relationship with someone with a Mental Health Challenge with the expectation of it going "magically" away, you are setting your relationship up for failure. When you realize your partner won't be instantly "cured" some will either feel like you're failing as a partner, that you aren't enough, or, worst case scenario, blame your partner for not "making an effort" or not "valuing your efforts" enough; this will eventually lead to the end of what may either be a very short-lived relationship or a long-term relationship of suffering and resent on both ends.
As was mentioned before, your partner will need all your effort, reassurance, patience, support and understanding; things will never be easy, and maybe will be a very rough ride, but, with enough of the above, you will very much earn your partner's trust and appreciation and will make their own struggle much easier to cope with if you help them share the burden and become a safe haven instead of a seeing them as a fixer-upper. Remember: your partner is a human being, not a project.
"Both me and my partner have Mental Health diagnoses. Will we have a toxic relationship?"
Let's start here by analyzing the word "TOXIC": by definition, something toxic is something that can be easily qualified as "poisonous" or "harmful" for your health. People who have been in relationships labeled as "toxic" often describe the same situations:
1. Judgment
2. Manipulation
3. Invalidating
4. Belittling or humiliation
5. Controlling and restrictive
6. Feelings of worthlessness
And the list goes on...
Someone can be easily and lightly be qualified as "toxic" when their partner is simply not happy with how their partner handles the relationship, or when their expectations and/or plans for the relationship don't get fulfilled by their partner, but this doesn't necessarily mean it's true.
Do you feel your partner is verbally/physically/emotionally abusive; you aren't allowed to make your own choices or are continuously being stalked by your partner; does every single choice you make seems to be wrong in your partner's eyes, only because they don't get a benefit out of it; do you seem to be the only wrong-doer and your partner blames you for everything; are you continuously having to apologize for your thoughts and feelings, even when your partner caused you to feel that way and refuses to acknowledge it or validate you? Chances are: you are in a toxic relationship.
The thin line, and sometimes it is very much overlooked, is: does your partner have issues with trusting you or opening up to you due to past traumatic experiences; is your partner volatile whenever you do or say something that might remind them of someone or something from their past; are they constantly seeking out for compliments and/or praise due to a low self-esteem? These are signs that they most likely face Mental Health Challenges and it does NOT necessarily make them toxic. Remember: they did NOT choose to be this way and to have the experiences that caused their pain.
When both of you struggle with Mental Health Challenges, it will take twice the amount of understanding, patience, reassurance and support. It will most definitely NOT be an easy road and it will take a lot of effort for both of you to accept each other's struggles and push through together. Counseling and guidance will be a big tool and help throughout it all and you both will require time to open up fully and know not to judge each other over experiences from the past. If Love is strong enough, if commitment is powerful enough, if you are both decide to make it work, and if you BOTH make an effort to improve yourselves and slowly lower your guard to one another, the result will be a fulfilling and plentiful relationship that will thrive until the end.
"Is it worth the struggle and the effort of it all?"
Well, that is a question for you to answer yourself. How willing are you to stick till the end, through thick and thin, through the bad times just as much as the good ones? In my opinion: it is totally worth it, as long as both of you work on it together for the greater good of your relationship. But remember: it takes two to Tango; it takes two to make the relationship work. If you feel like, no matter how hard you try, your partner is unwilling to get better or seek out the help needed to get better, then I would probably say the relationship is doomed to fail, sooner or later. Relationships are a two-way road and both partners have the obligation to make it work together.
💚💚💚💚💚
Wrapping up:
Being in a relationship with a partner who struggles with trauma or mental health will never be easy. It is your call whether or not you're willing to make it your life's mission to help your partner and be their support or say "nope" and walk away.
Remember, you must always look after yourself first as well and make sure you aren't sacrificing your own health, safety and piece of mind.
Be safe, be happy, be loved...
~Rick
