05/23/2025
“You are doing too much”, “You are doing too little”,
“You are talking too much”, “You are not talking enough “.
Digs. Insults. Jokes on your partner’s behalf. A look. A wink.
Criticism acts like venom in the space between. It hurts. it disconnects. It destroys. It Causes fraction and distance.
The message to your partner is that they are not enough.
We all do it and often we justify it: “This is constructive criticism”.” I say it to help you be the best version of yourself”. Or maybe minimizing the hurt: “You are so sensitive. You know I am just joking “.
Your partner, in return, often responds in one of the following ways:
Pleasing: Your partner will do what you want to please you.
Fighting back: Your partner will fight back. for example: will give you a dirty look every time you criticize them.
Passive Aggressive: Your partner will not push back verbally but will wear the yellow shirt that they know you hate or will talk very loud on purpose although they know you want to sleep.
“So, I can’t express if something bothers me”?
Of course you can and you should ! You can say anything and everything. It just depends on the way you say it.
1.Instead of giving that dirty look you can say:” I am curious about what you meant when you said that. Tell me more”.
2.If you want to express something that bothers, you can say: “I want to discuss something that I find difficult. Is now a good time?”
3.I statements: “I feel hurt when you talk to my mom about our finances “.
"But she can’t take a joke". Or "he gets offended by everything I say, although he knows I don’t mean it.
Maybe.
But if your partner experiences what you say as criticism, then try to reframe from it.
Try to exchange the criticism with a good word, a compliment, a hug - you will be surprised of the difference it can make.
You will feel safe and experience connection, aliveness, and love.
