Did you know

06/01/2025

Got PET SCAN. No new tumors. Been dizzy really bad lately. Don’t know if they scanned my brain to look for tumors there. Dr changed my treatment plan. Hopefully this works and slows the progression down and stops my lung filling up with fluid all the time. I found myself thinking about the silent subject. Death.
What will it be like? Never seeing my daughters have grand babies. Watching G grow up. Feeling the grass between my toes. The thunderstorms at night with a cool breeze through the open bedroom window with a lace curtain. Never hugging my girls again. Dancing while burning sage to cleanse any negativity out of this house.i know everyone dies. But that doesn’t mean I want to die. It’s scary. Will I suffer like my mother did in the hospital before she died. Yet very peaceful for Marc when he died. I was there to hold his hand as he took his last breath. Will I be reincarnated like I believe? Experience being an animal running in freedom. Then transferring into an embryo in a woman’s body. Born to a new family or circumstance that wipes my history away and begins a new. I am an old soul.

05/29/2025

Today , I am depressed

05/28/2025

I wonder what it’s like… after death. Can you imagine never seeing a sunrise again. Or feeling the sand through your toes. To never see green grass again. … To never see a grandchild.

05/28/2025

05/26/2025

05/16/2025

It’s been trying to be a mom. Don’t talk about your death to your children. It’s a constant reminder to Georgie. That I’m going to die.
I’m tired but can’t sleep. The reality is that I’m going to die .
Well I’m not ready to die. Im vomiting mucus. Marc was doing the same things like drueling from his nose, the cough, and problems with the throat.
Im not ready to die. Never will be.
Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion.
Can they help me live a little bit longer ?
Do I have to stay all night?
Im not ready to die

05/10/2025

Who’s your go to person?
I would have to say there are two.
My dad and his wife Cindy.
A little about my history with them…. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia back in 1997.
The majority of the time I had lived at home.
My dad and Cindy were helping me out for years. I took advantage of their help for awhile. I lost my firstborn child when she was two .
Marissa.
I was too mentally ill to take care of her. She lived with my ex husband instead.
I moved to Colorado and lived with my mother after my dad kicked me out of their home.
Tough Love.
In Colorado, I went homeless, lived in group homes. Had another child, Georgie. Lost her because I was homeless. Had been going through the loss of my breast as well as chemotherapy.
I stopped talking to my dad and Cindy the majority of the time for years.
My mother had Georgie with her. Allowed me to live with them ever since Georgie was 6 months old. She is now 16. She remains with me.
We moved back to Indiana and I lived with them until my mother and her husband, Marc passed away. I was their caregiver during their final 5 yrs.
Now, I’m going through end stage cancer. Things are hard as a single mom on disability.

Since my mother and Marc passed, I have been talking to my Dad and Cindy. I have not asked them for help even through my financial hardship. I’m making it on my own. It feels good. So even though my father and Cindy and I spent years not talking much, they are still my “go to person”
They have never steered me wrong and have always been truthful. They have been patient and kind. TIMES LIKE THESE I NEED A “GO TO PERSON” I do have a supportive family.

05/10/2025

Mountains, Beaches or Both?