08/12/2024
Thoughts from a quest inside my soulā¦
It isnāt every day that I am given an opportunity to sit with ALL the parts of me that desire to be seen and heard, let alone a week of it.
(3) of those days spent in solitude; out in nature, with Grandfather, God, my thoughts, and my own divinity by my side. Parts of myself that are known to me and others that I have forgotten about ā whether intentionally or through the act of self-preservation-based forgetfulness.
All of those things ā that were ready ā came up for review on this vision quest.
So many things came up and the one that has been the most present on my mind and in my heart in the last couple of integration days are the ways I have discounted myself over the years and/or tried to keep myself small.
There are a myriad of reasons for those things and in the end, it all boils down to fear. Love or fear ā I truly believe those are the only two authentic emotions we humans have to choose from.
Love ā more expansive than we can conceptualize and fear ā a shape shifter. It is a puzzle and a dance and a maze and a pathā¦all things real and imagined, leaving an impact on the fabric of my soul.
And here I am ā there I was ā looking at the vastness of it all and making space for the energy to come up and out, like the bubbles of carbonation in a seltzerā¦just not always as tasty to drink.
I held a mantra for a great deal of time that created pain in my heart and soul - - - more pain than I realized consciously. I mean, there is something about pain that can anesthetize our ability to recognize it exists when it has been normalized into our minds, hearts, and spirits.
āI am the EASIEST person on the planet to LEAVEā
Those were the words I told myself over and over again for so many years, I would need more than two hands to count.
I would ājustifyā those words by adding
āThat is because I wonāt chase you, if you want to go.ā
That was my way of taking in such a nasty sentiment, while trying to dress it up in something that was more palatable.
Several things can be true at the same time. I think sometimes I sprinkle truth into the nasty messages I deliver to myself as a way of tricking myself into believing whatever lie I am telling me.
I am the easiest person on the planet to leave?!?!
I am not sure I would say those words to anyone else. The part of me that received and lived in the murkiness of that messaging was angry, rageful and profoundly sadā¦
That version of me showed up in this questās ceremonial space. I felt her coming on and it started as a kick to the stomach.
A kick from someone fighting their way out of a wrestling hold from which they werenāt sure they could escape. A kick that is frantic and chaotic because that thing, person, energy is fighting for their lives.
I allowed the anger of that to expand. I allowed myself to hear the anger that lived so deeply inside of me, it had begun to infuse into my bones.
It was additionally clear to me that I have been carrying this mantra in my essence well past the limits of this human life.
I tried not to fight back with meaningless justifications and excuses, though it was profoundly difficult to sit with that level of anger without trying to dilute it.
As the feeling grew, so did the weight of it all. I bowed forward, almost as though it was a storm raging above me and I was ducking for protective cover. Though, I did not divert my attentionā¦I remained the witness to it all, bringing my ability to love unconditionally as my shield.
As I was being tended to by the beautiful medicine people in our circle, I was presented with an opportunity to release this toxicity from my BEing. I shook and trembled as I lifted my head from the ground so that I could stand on my knees to face the abyss that had formed in front of me.
After a deep and meaningful inhales, I released into a screamā¦a howl. It came pouring out of my body, with the force of a waterfall hitting the rocks below it.
As I did that, the coyotes surrounding our beautiful ceremony howled in solidarity, supporting this release. It was primal and cathartic - - - gritty and visceral.
And then, the softeningā¦
I have long believed that anger is a layer of protective covering over sadness and that was certainly true in this instance for me.
That version of me that was emotionally abused by a self-created mantra, lay bare in front of me - at my feet - and wept. Tired from the weight placed upon her by the fear that lived inside of me.
You see ā many things can be true. What I came to recognize as a result of this release is that although I may not āchaseā someone who does not want to be caught, I also have not become skilled in ASKING for a person to STAY.
Asking for someone to stay and dance in the fire of growth and vulnerability and expansion and release and renewal requires me to KNOW that I am worthy of that.
Believing that I am worthy of that is only the first layer, in my humble opinion. Within the ābelievingā ā there still exists fear.
Fear that perhaps it is just another lie I am telling myself and the lie of the mantra was at least an awful taste that I had learned to knock back.
Moving into the KNOWing that I am worthy of a partner staying and doing āthe workā with me is a different layer all together.
I have moved into that layer. I have planted seeds, and I am growing roots here. I am building my home in this soil.
I KNOW I am worthy of that divine partnership
I KNOW what I bring to the equation
I KNOW what I desire and what I am willing to put into the creation
I KNOW that I am whole and home within myself and that I do not NEED anything outside of myself to make me worthy
I KNOW that I am divine
I KNOW that I am unforgettable
I KNOW that I love fiercely and deeply and limitlessly
I KNOW that my love is sweet and rich and glorious
I KNOW that I am LOVE
I KNOW that my ability to create is beyond measure
I KNOW that I am grace and divinity
I KNOW that I am shadow and grit
I KNOW that I am a blessing
I KNOW that I am a work in progress
I celebrate all of those things
I am fully open to and inviting in divine partnership
I am also quite clear on what partnership means to me
No discounting
Not for myself
Not for the you that desires to show up to be in this dance with me
I have moved past the part of my journey where I will shape shift into a mouse - - -
I am a lioness
I AM
I AM
I AM
