Brian O'Mara-Croft, Author

12/07/2021

Last night, I woke up at 1:15 from a nightmare that a person who was an amalgam of more than one loved one simply vanished from my world--clearly gone forever--and that my mere asking about them was hopelessly cruel.

Through the next several hours of fractured sleep and semi-wakefulness, I obsessed about how to acquire a collapsible high-top wooden table (two pieces), tablecloth for same (metallic gold), and a round hot plate--none of which would be of ANY value, unless I actually WAS hosting the grand gala I had clearly imagined was a top priority.

When I finally woke up enough to realize these were all nonsense thoughts, I sat up and scrolled through my FB Memories feature, which served up a doozy that was among the most acutely painful ever for me.

That, and a few other anxieties, have been on my mind since.

I wish we came with on/off switches...or at least reliable "dimmers." Failing that, I'll settle for having the insanity better inspire creativity.

Ugh. 🤪🤪🤪

05/20/2021

Not entirely sure why I'm sharing this--most people I know would agree wholeheartedly with its message, and the rare few who wouldn't will just feel I'm offering platitudes. I will say, though, that it mirrors the feelings of MANY widows and widowers with whom I'm now friends.

The most affecting part, for me, was the mention toward the end that those who judge widows very often get to climb into bed with their spouses each night after making pronouncements about how they would have handled things differently (even though they have ZERO idea).

I've felt no greater loneliness than wanting, hundreds and thousands of times, to share something with my late wife Patty--before realizing, over and over and over, I'll never again hear her answer. I don't think that will ever go away, and it hurts every single time. So what I have left is the choice to move along and try to carve out some happiness, or to stand still and wither.

With this also comes the realization that, in moving forward, I may have to reluctantly leave some--the ones whose voices amplify the attached--behind. 😔

05/17/2021

Unkind, judgmental words, backed by opinions unbacked by real-world experience, are my favorite. Unless YOU experienced it, you don't have the faintest idea how you might respond when facing the same situation. You can't even say, "I know this person, and s/he reacted differently," because you STILL don't have the faintest idea how YOU might respond when facing the same situation. All you do is amplify pain.

05/13/2021

Nearly everyone who has experienced devastating grief--along with most others, honestly--seems to get the message below. A rare few, most of whom cast aspersions and then blithely cuddle up to their living loved ones, do not (an excellent article about this is here: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/before-you-judge-another-widowwidower_b_589c8576e4b02bbb1816c390.) I've been surprised by both camps. As McInerny explains in another forum, finding happiness again helps you better realize the enormity of what you've lost. We don't move ON without our lost loves...we move FORWARD with them. For my part, as I'm grieving, I'm also learning, and many of those lessons (and especially the harsher ones) are real eye-openers. With each passing day, it seems more and more likely I'll take a stab at writing another book--perhaps combining the grief journeys of many with the empathy discussions that were frequent companions as Patty and I did our long outings on forest trails last year. I'd love nothing more than to have Patty's voice be part of yet another story.

05/13/2021

05/10/2021

I'm in the VERY early stages of noodling ideas for a book on what I'm thinking of as "good grief" (alas, the title is already taken).

Basically, I want to capture accounts of how supportive--or, by contrast, critical--some with good intentions may be when evaluating a grieving person's choices.

If it comes together, the book's central message for widow(er)s and others who've lost someone will be, "If we had NO idea what we would feel and need, how could anyone in a wholly different boat decide for us what we SHOULD feel and need, or decide what our choices must say about us?"

The impetus for writing this was (a) my observation of how obviously dichotomous the messages seem to be between those on online forums for grieving folks and a small subset of the real world, and (b) a very small batch of negative things directed toward me which, in my opinion, ranged from caution to misguided concern to the utterly repugnant (most anyone would think I was lying if I shared it).

This could be very interesting. I'll keep you posted.

10/20/2020

For some reason, seeing this again today (in my Memories feature) made me feel bittersweet, as it made me think about how many people have shown us consistent and enduring love at the same time it made me remember "friends" I thought were for always.

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."
~Elbert Hubbard