10/08/2025
Wonderful explanation and real-world example of projection. People rarely treat us in a way that shows us how they feel about us(particularly strangers). So taking it personally when it is not, becomes our burden to carry. Try to remember this next time you are out and about and you‘ll likely feel less drained after outings.
I was in the Target checkout line the other day picking up some cleaning supplies, toiletries, and such. I had a pretty full cart, as did the woman behind me, and we started exchanging pleasantries with the clerk who was ringing me up.
After mentioning the amazing weather, the Target employee exclaimed, "I'm so glad you both are so pleasant. It's been a rough day, with one woman telling me I was a "B" because I couldn't use her coupon. She made me call a manager, and then she had to tell her she couldn't use the coupon. Then she threw it at me, pushed her full cart to the side, and left."
"Wow," I said. "I'm sorry that happened to you. It's not right for someone to treat you that way."
And that's when she said, "Well, after spending the last five years in retail, I'll tell you that people treat you how they feel, and she must be feeling pretty bad. I'm hoping she's a good person who just had a bad moment."
"That's pretty big of you," the woman behind me said. "I don't know if I could keep that attitude."
"You start to sense it if you look hard enough. A man who feels his time is worth more than yours or is stressed about his job will act annoyed. Someone who may be worried about money will freak out on you if the transaction didn't go the way they thought. And an exhausted mom may lose it because she's frustrated with her kids, but can't take it out on them. I've seen it all, and you start to recognize the patterns. And when someone is feeling good, or at least feels good about themselves, they're pleasant like you ladies."
"This is like Target Psychology 101," I told her. And she said, "Well, I'm a retired social worker. I just do this 12 hours a week to make a little extra to spend on my grandkids."
I grabbed my bags and placed them in my cart. "Hey, thanks for sharing that perspective. It's got me thinking I hope you have a better afternoon!"
And that conversation has stuck with me for the last few days. People treat you like they feel.
Last night, I had an unsettling call with someone who shared something that rocked my world a bit. As I pondered the conversation, I could feel my anxiety rising. It took me back to my childhood and some things I'm still trying to process.
I worked myself up quite a bit, and then a few hours later, I snapped at my husband about something stupid.
It brought me back full circle. People treat you how they feel--unless they can take care of their emotions and then take care of themselves. It was a reminder to me that I needed to recognize I was carrying something heavy, and I didn't need to unload it on an innocent bystander.
That means if we want to reflect kindness and compassion on others, we need to give it to ourselves first. The other choice is to avoid facing our problems and insecurities, and instead make others an impersonal target of our unhappiness.
But, I think it also means giving grace to a whole lot of people who grew up in homes without boundaries, self-esteem, or positive relationships--and while these individuals can learn how to shift their thinking, it takes an awful lot of work and self-actualization to break these unhealthy patterns. As the Target clerk reminded me, my feelings can't lead me in how I treat others.
Our goal as a society, and as parents, needs to be to help people process their feelings before unleashing their pain on others. Like an emergency on a plane, we need to put our own oxygen masks on first before helping the person next to us.
We are in unprecedented times, marked by extreme bouts of chaos. The most radical thing we can do right now is try to take incredible care of ourselves when possible, so we can then help others.
And sometimes that means giving grace to someone in the Target checkout lane.
It was Carl Jung who first said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
It took a trip to Target to remind me of that.
Love hard.
