24/07/2025
There is not much in this life that hurts more than the loss of a loved one. Yet there is also knowing, without a doubt, that the ones you love the most are the ones who will push you away, ignore you, or worse, use your presence as another chance to put you down or use secrets against you. There are times when you may try so hard, and it can become a judgmental point for them to use to justify taking their own insecurities out and weaponizing them to hurt you. The term 'Black sheep' comes to mind; I have heard this since I was young from an aunt who has been long gone from this world. I remember her crying after fights on the phone with other family members, and when I asked why people said such things, I didn't understand her answer until I was much older. She told me that some people are allowed to make mistakes and start again, but there are some who can never be forgiven and they will never truly forgive you. She then explained that she was more of the 'Black Sheep' of the family, and that her mistakes could never be forgotten. I had a lot of talks like this with her, as I too seemed to grow up faster, just as she and my mother had done. I wish I could ask her how she knew for sure that she was our 'Black Sheep.' There are many times when those talks pop up in my mind, just for a moment; in that time, I am her, I am a 'Black Sheep.' I have walked paths that I should have never been on, yet there were some that led to great and wonderful endings, such as having my children. There were many times when I walked alone, whether by choice or chance. As an adult, we tend to protect others more than ourselves. I know some of you have a balance between others and yourself, and that is truly wonderful. I choose a new path, one that will allow me to keep honest, help others, marry others, and hopefully make those who feel alone or like a 'Black Sheep' know that you're not alone. Others have been where you are; I have been where you are. I choose to believe that there is still something spiritually wonderful here on this earth; we all just have to find our own path there.
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