05/14/2018
Traits of a Pugnacious, Pernicious Ex-Spouse: BEWARE!
You will more than likely remain a target of your ex your entire life (or theirs). Here are traits that may show up (these may even have been factors for why you left the marriage in the first place) and the list could go on and on, so let’s focus on just a few and how to cope with such a person.
Anger. Anger is typically one of main cornerstones of a high conflict divorce or uncoupling. Ex-spouses are angry, revengeful, spiteful, aggressive and will stop at nothing in hopes that you feel the same shame as they do. Some people never get over the fact their marriage failed. It doesn’t matter if they got everything they went after in the divorce. They are ashamed the relationship fell apart, and their perpetual anger and shame may never cease. You’re the target…steady yourself or maybe you’ll be one-half of the target and your new husband or wife will be the other half. Keep dialogue with a person who is angry to a court-ordered minimum and nothing more.
Jealousy. We see many parents/stepparents in our practice who can never fully grasp why their new husband/wife’s ex hates them. Contempt and Irrationality usually play a part in the ‘hate.’There are a few things to consider here, so let’s take a look at them one by one. The list could go on and on, let’s consider two more traits that play into jealousy: contempt and irrationality.
Contempt. A person who is filled with contempt one hope’s will recognize the seed of the behavior and call a therapist. Well, this is unlikely to happen, and that’s sad. When contempt takes over a person, they will usually refuse to be accountable for their own actions, and even worse they won’t grow as a person. They will always see you as the bad person, the bad object. We all know what happens to bad objects. They get targeted over, and over, and over again. They may target you with endless litigation initially; but, once they are out of money for litigation, it may turn into never-ceasing co-parenting drama and even worse they may resort to parental alienation.
Irrational. The irrational ex-spouse can typically be defined as a toxic person. They do not care about boundaries, they throw out an endless gaggle of accusations, but, the worst thing they can and many do….use their/your own children against you. They stop at nothing to create an image of you for the child to soak up in all of their inability to cope and separate the two of you in their own head. The child becomes their “best friend,” their confidant, and they dump, dump, dump, data onto the child in an effort to steal his or her heart and mind from loving you. The child you share with this person may suddenly declare that they “are mommy’s best friend.” Your children aren’t meant to be your best friend. They are meant to be the wonderful human beings they are. If your ex is toxic-guess what? Children will eventually figure that out for themselves. A child must have a safe space and a parent to retreat to who tells them over and over, their only job is to be a kid. Make sure you’re that person.
If you’re dealing with a pugnacious or pernicious ex-spouse and feel you are losing your grasp, or just “don’t know what to do anymore.” Well, we do! Don’t hesitate to reach out. There are many, many solutions to parenting and keeping yourself under control when chaos seems to be never ending and all around you. Let us help. –Dr. Perry
Tagged on: The Jealous Ex
