07/13/2024
I'm grateful that we found each other, the stars aligned for us to be mother and son... to both of my boys, out of all of the women and situations you could have chosen to incarnate into... out of all of the people who could have given you life, you chose me. For that I'm honored, for that reason, I will never expect either of you to be perfect.
You both will fail, you will make choices that are positive I hope mostly and also some that are negative and its not my job to keep you from these important life lessons. Its my job to ensure you are taught how to navigate through life and how to be a good human being, ever evolving for the better. Its my job to teach you that each choice you make comes with a consequence wether good or bad and if you choose to disobey while you are small then I have to act as an enforcer of these consequences. I choose a non violent method, and while people think you aren't a good kid or that I spoil you simply because of minor issues, I choose to see the bigger picture and realize that we all have made our fair share of mistakes.
I want you both to know how much I truely love you both. I want you knowing daily how valuable you are and I want you to trust my hands not to hurt you, my voice to uplift you and my ears to understand and hear you. I am here if you need anything for your lifetime as long as Im around. I honor your life, your individual personalities and I strive to ensure you both have a good life.
Thank you both for being alive, Azriel and Haden... and also Eli... one day when you all get big and create a facebook I hope you read this and you see my hearts desire for you. I hope you all will treat women with respect and dignity, especially women whom society deems as unfit because even Mary Magdeline, one of Jesus beloved ones had a shady past and she was also shunned by society. I want you guys to know I love you all dearly and Eli, even though we did not get the chance to get to know each other, I will never be bitter, I will never regret having you, and I am proud of how you are turning out. I wish I could see you, life isn't fair and I fought like tooth and nail, but if it wouldn't have happened the way it did, your brother Azriel wouldn't be here. I pray to God everyday for you and send you energies of love and light. I always uplift you and pray for your wellbeing and that of your earthly parents.
I also want to add to Haden, the night that I first laid eyes on you, a tear ran from my face to your cheek. You were and are so very perfect. Life has a way of bringing us to our knees and that is sad to say, but true. I pray for you every day, there isn't a day that goes by I don't wish you were here with us living with us, but financially I never had the money to pursue custody. It was never fair, life isn't fair, but I never wanted to lose you, I will spare details, and the reason I don't pursue custody now is because of how happy your current environment makes you and because it would be cruel to pull you away from the place that makes you happy and the people who you are attached to. Just know this, I took great care of you when you were with me, but everything happens for a reason and every one of us will one day answer for each choice we make and how it can impact those around us. May you be blessed, may your dreams come true and may you walk and live in the light of the creator.
To Azriel.... oh my sweet baby boy. You have the most amazing, beautiful smile on this planet and I adore you. There are no words to describe the incredible bond we have. When I look at you I see an answer to my prayers standing before me .... lol my prayer for patience is being answered on the daily bc boy you are some kinda challenging sweetie but I love ya! I want you to know that I am trying. I am trying to be the mom that can afford nice things. I'm trying to set the type of example you deserve. I desire for you and I to be close and to be a safe haven for you. Life had TRIED to seperrate us, but you know what? We are magic and we have God on our side. NO one will ever take me away from you, just like our song, the one I danced to while in labor with you in Salt LakeCity... Africa by ToTo, it will take a lot to drag me away from you, theres nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.
I am so grateful for you, and while I am sorry we lost your dad, I know God can fill that burden, He can give you the spirit of wisdom and help you feel a sense of belonging. Its my prayer you become the spiritual man you were prophesized to become by healers in Salt Lake as well as my friends in Louisiana. Many people have seen you and told me you are destined for greatness and that you have a high calling. May you surrender to the eternal light of infinite wisdom and Reiki and may the Christ within you be greater at all times than your ego. May you help humanity as you were created to do and my love, may you know that I love you and you are a wonderful child. I dont' expect perfection, just real respect and honesty. I know you are going to make mistakes, and I promise you I won't hurt you or hit you or use physical violence to try to assert my athority over you. I will be a rock for you, I will be unmovable and steady and someone you can trust and even when it may be easy to lie to you, to get you to do something, I promise you I will do my absolute best to speak truth both to you and over your life. May your light shine.
