07/06/2025
My sweet son went to be with Jesus Friday night. He wrote me a letter Thursday when he admitted that he had relapsed and I’ve decided to share that letter in the hopes that it can help other people. There is such a stigma surrounding addiction. Let me assure you that addiction does not discriminate. Most addicts hate who they are and the pain they cause other people. It is a choice to try drugs that first time but then the beast takes hold and they are tortured. I hope that by sharing this letter that parents, families and friends of addicts will treat them with love and compassion. I’m so thankful that Matheson knew he was loved and supported. I tried to move Heaven and Earth to save him but ultimately had to surrender him to God and pray for his will to be done in his life. I have no doubt he is at peace finally. He had John 14:6 tattooed on his side. He loved the Lord.
Here is the letter:
Mom
First I want to say I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. And I know those words don’t mean much anymore but I promise you with my whole heart and soul that I am very sorry and wish I was different. I wish I could go back. I have a disease, a mental illness. And that’s not an excuse and I don’t want it to be, but I do have something wrong with my brain and the way it perceives thoughts and emotions and rationality and decision making whenever I’m under the curse of drug addiction. I was doing good mentally and spiritually but once I gave in and re introduced that feeling of that intense rush and high I was done for. At the time I didn’t know it, I didn’t want to get high again bc of the shame I felt from it, but by the time the second temptation came I was so much more vulnerable and weak. What I do, what’s I’ve done, the things I’ve ruined, etc. When I think about it it makes me want to scream and cry and pull my hair out because I feel so out of control and wish I could make anything different. While I’m in the middle of a drug addiction I can never stop on my own, no matter what I think. Because I just want to get the rush and high again, bc it’s the only thing that brings me peace in the middle of all my shame, even though I know without a doubt it won’t fix anything, just make it worse, that’s the only comfortable decision I can make. I can’t stand to even think about reality when I think about how I’ve lied to you, made you feel like an idiot for tricking you, it makes me despise myself. Just at least know that by me doing that to you is what pushed me over the edge to make the hard and uncomfortable decision to do the only thing I can if I want to quit getting high and regain my life by going to a rehab.
Thinking about what I do to you makes me so miserable and please please believe that I’m sorry and that I really do love you so much! I’m stuck right now, for me I know there is only one way back out. I have to put myself in a place where there is no access to drugs for at least a couple of weeks. Could be jail or a nice rehab. The rehab is more pleasant and appealing, and it’s a positive environment that’s solely for healing. I just know how my mind works, a little bit of time to remember how much better and full life is without chasing a high.
My spirituality and relationship with God is all real. I still believe %100 that He is good and I know how much he loves me. But that’s just how powerful and deceiving the high that I’m chasing is. As current it is dominating my thoughts and emotions, and the lengths I take to get the high bring more shame that just fuels the fire.
This isn’t going to be my life, I truly do believe that. I know what my life looks like when I’m not in an addiction. It sucks that I gave in this time and I know that doesn’t look good for me bc I was clean for a long time. I was stressed about life and trying to figure everything out, and I really didn’t think that one time would lead to being completely out of control of everything. Something I hope and plan on taking with me from this little time of getting high will be a more complete understanding of how there is absolutely no “one time” with me or “moderation” or being a functioning drug addict. Because when I’m getting high that’s what runs my thoughts, I can’t put my time or energy into anything else because it is all I want, all that brings any kind of feeling. Because it feels so good it’s all I can do to get that feeling as often as possible; and that’s why I have a disease or something that is wrong with my mind.
I don’t like what I’m doing, I hate it while I’m doing it and when I’m not. I don’t enjoy anything about it, it is literally like I am trapped, it is literally like I can’t stop chasing the high, I can’t get myself to forget about it and to just live life as it was before chasing the high. It makes it impossible to mentally do anything but chase the high and get high.. idk why but once the high is re introduced, anything that doesn’t have to do with it is depressing and seems impossible to do without being completely miserable. All of what I’m telling you couldn’t be more accurate and true and I hope you believe me because the lies I tell you and hurt I cause you is not from the real true person I am. When I’m not stuck in addiction I couldn’t imagine lying to you or deceiving you or doing anything like that. Drugs have caused me to do things to myself and other people that make it hard for me to look at myself in the mirror at times. And right now I can’t and don’t want to see myself bc of what I’ve done the past few days
-Andrea Painter
Please reach out, get help and get sober before it's too late 😔
