06/26/2022
Good morning my lovely's! I know that it has been some time since I last wrote and I am sorry for the lapse. I should be writing more and will make it a point to update more. But I have so much to say today and I will try not to make it a book lol.
I am excited to say that today is 8 weeks post HRT! I mean I am just so happy! In the last 8 weeks, so much has changed. Some of it really, really good and some of it not so much. I mean, I knew that this would not be all easy and that there would be and still will be trying time. I have to set myself up for success with a major support team. I have that and I have had to make some adjustments to that.
My emotional state is currently a hot mess right now. I am literally all over the place. I know that I need to embrace this and enjoy this journey whether good or bad. At times I feel very sad and I cry for no reason. I know why I cry, but I dont know why I am crying. I know estrogen has changed me and given me more emotions then I have ever had. But at the drop of a hat, I'm like, lets have a 20 second cry and then go back to work! Like WTH!? lmao! I am learning lol. I mean my gf's all say the same thing, welcome to being a woman lmao. like its some private country club hehe. But I love it soooo much!. I have also seen a dramatic increase in the uplifting of my moods. I am a happy go lucky person and always try to smile. Mornings, ya, no! But now, I'm like, yes please! hehe. I feel much more happy now days and I love that! I love being able to pass that energy onto my friends and ppl that I interact with. I want them to walk away and be like, Annastaysia is always smiling or laughing or always happy. I want to infect them with that positivity.
My physical changes have been many. Especially in the last few weeks. B***s are ehmmm developing lol like a lot hehe. Sounds very weird saying that. So please bear with me. They hurt and they are sensitive AF and again my female friends are like, Ya that does suck lol. So I think a bra will be in order soon (not in a hurry). Is there a no bra month? lol. My skin has softened in dramatic fashion. It look's so much more smooth now. Not completely, but it does look so much more feminine now. I love that so much! My skin regiment is very important to me and I spend so much time on it. Thank you to Kathryn for that! Love you girl! Beyond HRT, my regiment has givin not only myself, but others the chance to see change in it. I expected all this to come. this is why I have researched endless hours before I made the choice to transition.
Other things that have also changed noticeably are s*x drive lmao! Like that is literally history for now. I know that it will return at some point and that is okay because I am single. This is one of the reasons I chose to stay single during my transition. I did not want someone else to be affected by my changes. I mean I understand that, that person you are with should be supportive. But at the same time, Why bring in someone new and be like BTW! I know that my s*x drive will come back as I get further a long into HRT and definitely after I have my bottom surgery next year. So patients is key.
My confidence is so much higher now. I mean, it was never really low, but it was never really high. Now, I'm like whoa girl!! lmao! it only grows even more by the day. I present a lil more feminine in public now days and also at work. For two reasons. The first is to test ppl's reaction and the second is to kinda ease my way into it. Like, I dont just want to one day go from looking like a guy to a full fledged girl. I want to do it a lil slow while I can. My results have been nothing short of amazing! People at work say nothing or compliment (the girls compliment lol) the men just grunt and move along lol. Going at my RN has allowed me to be comfortable and ppl in public don't really even act like they notice. Some stare slightly and I just look back in their eyes with confidence and they usually just look down and also move a long. I refuse to allow ppl to control my emotions. This is CLEARLY my journey and not theirs and I only accept ppl into my life that support me. Having this new found confidence has brought me many new female friends and also some male friends (no, not like that male friends) lol. I have always been a social butterfly and this has just helped. I feel that the ora I had around me before has only become better and more inviting.
As time moves on, tastes change and outlooks also change. My patients is so much better then it use to be. In every corner of my life, I see change and that is only for the better. People tell me, it's kinda cool that you've not only gotten to see change from a mans perspective but also, now a female perspective. I feel, very blessed in this honestly. To be able to see both sides is something few in the world get to. It changes you honestly. It makes you see things in a much different light. This is where change in patients comes into play. I sit back as I change and notice. I notice things before where I would have no clue how a woman felt or why she does what she does and now, now I totally see it and it is literally sooooo beautiful! This is just the beginning for me. So much more will change and I look foward to it.
In couple months, I will come out officially and publicly and live as my true authetic self and live my truth from then on. I already have some of my gf's saying I am ready to do this. I am not quite there mentally yet and so I need more time to feel I am there. When I walk out that door, it will be with confidence and truth! Well and a gf or two holding my hand hehe.
This is what all this hard work is for. I know there is so much more to do. But with my therapists help and my life coach Lena, I know They will give all the help I need in staying focused mentally. I have my 90 check up in less then a month! eeeekkkk!!! At that time, I will talk to my Dr. about my plans with surgery and get that ball rolling. I want to feminize my nose this year. We will do blood work to check my hormone and testosterone levels and most likely double my dose on my estrogen. At that point, things will change even faster. As my face continues to change, that will move even faster and will get me to where I need to be ready for Facial feminization surgery completely. but my nose will be this year. To watch my face change is so unreal. But its so cool!
Last but not least for now, My friends, you do not even know what you mean to me. The love that you show me, the support you give me, the time you take to guide me, the concern of where I am mentally and everything in between, I am so thankful for. You have touched my heart in so many ways. Everyday, you are the reason that I smile. Without the love and support from you, I might still be in the closet scared and alone. But now I am free and focused! I walk this path that was chosen for me. Because I was always suppose to be a girl, my order just got messed up a little at the drive through hehe. Joe Pesci always said it best "you get fu**ed in the drive through" lmao!
I love you all with everything that I am! Every fiber of my being feels the love you have for me. I do not walk this path alone. I walk it with all of you. My faith has been instrumental in this.
"There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not not known we were meant to walk" -author unknown
With so much love,
Annastaysia Hope
