04/28/2023
HOW TO PRODUCE A TRAUMA BOND IN ONE EASY LESSON...don't worry, narcissists already know this, but survivors often don't. You create a trauma bond by abusing most of the time, but not all the time. This keeps you yearning for the "good times", hoping they will stay, but of course, they never will.
Psychologists call this "intermittent reinforcement", which is the same reason people get addicted to gambling...there's a payoff at times, though the longer you play, the more you lose. The narc is like a slot machine. Now and then, the coins drop. But the rest of the time, it takes your money.
So, a trauma bond is an addiction to a person, who abuses you terribly, but sometimes does something good, which keeps you around for more abuse. You yearn for those good moments even after you leave the narc.
You make excuses for the abuser and believe, falsely, that they love you and that that love with win in the end. So, you redouble your efforts to please the narcissist. Emotionally, you really, really need their approval. So, you keep trying to figure out how to please them and get them to treat you in a loving way all the time. So, you have accepted responsibility for their feelings and behavior. You believe if you do the right things, the abuser will change. But they won't.
You are now trauma bonded and have intense, feelings about the narcissist. But you are confused, and here's why.
You have cognitive dissonance....that is, a conflict in your mind between two things that can't both be true. For example: "The narc loves me. But if they love me, they wouldn't abuse me." So, you resolve the conflict by minimizing what the narc does. You take the blame. Abusive relationships are filled with cognitive dissonance.
Trauma bonding is AN ADDICTION TO A PERSON, and you will have withdrawal feelings like any addict, and like any other addict, you have to resist "using" again, in this case, the narcissist.
YOU are the one who can help you and it takes a lot of guts, and you have to be strong and resist the feeling of wanting to contact the narc, or letting the narc contact you FOR ANY REASON. This is a time of HEAD OVER HEART...that is, you have to do what you KNOW is right and best for you, not what you feel like doing. Therapy can be a big help.
The thing about addiction to a narc is that you may have cravings for contact for quite some time before they end. And then months later, or years later, you may feel them again, though they fade to zero in time. No matter. Expect it to happen. Take a step back, and detach. Observe and accept your feelings. But talk to yourself about it. You can do this. The world is full of victims who have moved on to happiness. This forum has many. You will be one of them.
And, by the way, the good times will NOT return...at least not for long, and the narcissist will NOT change for long. You will be love-bombed, devalued and abused, then discarded, again...and again....and again....as long as you allow it. But you're smarter than that.
