03/26/2023
"I know I am dying... they think I don't know, but I have known for a while now... I feel it. My question for you Gabby, is how much time do I have left?"
I was asked this question by a man whose family had chosen not to tell him that his test results came back verifying what they were all afraid of, which was that the cancer had spread, and he was dying. For weeks they kept this from him. I truly believe it was with all good intention, perhaps hoping to reduce his worry or fear by not letting him know, thinking that maybe he would have a better quality of whatever time he had left if he didn’t know.
From my perspective, this isn’t fair. Who are we to keep this news from someone? By doing this we take so much away from them, most importantly the opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones, having last conversations, and having the chance to say the important things like “thank you,” “I love you,” and “goodbye.”
The very best thing we can do for someone who is dying is to be honest with them, and allow them the opportunity to make their own decisions about who they want told, and how they want to spend whatever time they have left. This should be their choice, not ours.
I was asked by the family not to tell him, and to simply say I was there to see him for a routine visit, and to check in and see how he was doing. When he asked me that question I felt torn... do I betray their trust in me by telling him, or betray his trust in me by not?
I sat down next to his bed and we talked about what he thought, which was a few weeks. I suggested he plan for less, savoring every minute, and if there is more… that is a gift. He thanked me for being “real” with him.
And then I told the family that he knew and had been waiting for them to be honest with him. I told them that they put me in an uncomfortable position, and that at the end of the day, my heart leads me to always be honest, and to create a safe place for people who are dying, which is what I did for him. He deserved that from me and from them. Thankfully they agreed.
This was two weeks ago.
His daughter called me today to let me know he had died... she thanked me for putting his needs first and honoring him in a way that he deserved, which reminded them to do the same. They were able to spend those two weeks together, making lasting memories and having important and beautiful conversations.
When someone is dying, I believe they should know their truth. I also know that sometimes... the situation might call for a different approach and I get that too.
xo
Gabby
