DBT Informed Peer Connections

02/02/2025

11/22/2023

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Change is hard. No, it's really, really hard. Lots of us want to be different, but when it comes to the hard, slogging footwork required to actually make changes, we resist. We drag our feet. We complain. We identify roadblocks to change. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. What's required is to make a start, and sometimes that's all that's needed to break the logjam and set off in a new direction. But you have to make a start: change one tiny little thing, take a baby step toward making the change you want. If you want to learn to play a Beethoven sonata on the piano, start with a baby step: buy the piano score. If you want to overcome your depression, take a baby step: spend 30 minutes moving your body today. If you want to be less anxious, take a baby step: download a mindfulness app to your phone. In and of themselves, none of these steps is going to eliminate your problem, but if nothing changes, nothing ever changes.
Dr. Kristi Webb

09/18/2023

Abandon hope of results and always do your best. The only commitment is to do our best in any situation. We get so caught in expectations - judgments about what we should or should not feel, or what we should or should not be able to achieve, for instance - that we lose the opportunity to be present in the right-here-now.
Results certainly come out of effort. But there is so much of that which is beyond our control. A yoga teacher I know recently framed it in terms of working towards a particular pose - it's not about achieving the pose, it's about being able to feel or way into it, find our boundary of what is helpful our hurtful, find our balance of what is right for us in this moment.
The point is to focus less on the expectation and more on the effort of being present and responsive in this moment.
~David Edmonds

08/07/2023

VALIDATION
Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, describes six levels of validation, with each “level” offering a different tactic for validating someone. With regard to interpersonal effectiveness, validation is useful whether we seek to better a relationship with a loved one, a friend, a coworker, or even someone we’ve just met. Validation is so powerful that it can be used to diffuse a hostile or escalating situation – since validating someone’s point of view helps to reduce frustration and stress. Let’s decode the six levels with regard to validating others.

1. Mindful engagement – Active listening is a good example of this first level of validation. Being present and showing interest nonverbally and/or verbally, such as communicating your understanding by way of nodding, making eye contact and asking appropriate questions. (“I hear you! What’d you do after she told you that?”)
2. Accurate reflection – Demonstrate to the person you’re listening to that their message is being received accurately. If you choose to disagree, at least the individual knows that you are listening with intention, and that helps. (“I just heard you say that your boss really likes you, but you don’t think you’re doing a good job. Are you being unjustly hard on yourself?”)
3. Reading cues – This involves some guesswork, and when you do this it’s best that you verbalize what you’re hearing, so that you can be corrected if you’ve misunderstood. You may think someone is upset with you, when they’re simply not feeling well, or vice versa. But the fact that you inquire and help someone communicate, when they may be having trouble doing so, enhances the relationship. (“You look unhappy. Is something bothering you?”)
4 Historical perspective – Drawing on your knowledge of someone’s prior experiences, you can lend perspective that helps the individual connect the dots about how they’re feeling or how they’re processing new information. (“Maybe you don’t trust your new girlfriend because your previous girlfriend cheated on you?”)
5. Assuring reasonableness – Letting someone know that their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are normal and quite reasonable. This provides reassurance, comfort, and healthy perspective. (“I see your frustration. Most people would be annoyed at spending 30 minutes on hold with the cable company.”)
6. Respectful honesty – Providing feedback that lets a person know that you respect them enough to “keep it real.” This level of validation is best delivered with an accompaniment of radical acceptance, along with a nonjudgmental stance – taking into account that everyone has their strengths and limitations. Validating someone with honesty and respect means treating them as you’d want someone to treat you in a confidential relationship. (“I understand why you said that, but I think you could have had a better result if you used a softer tone?”)
Regardless of which techniques you use to validate someone, the results are bound to be beneficial. By the way, thank you for reading this. We realize that you’re busy and we’re grateful for your attention. Feels good, right?

07/10/2023

Skill of the Week: Give yourself grace. I have been writing the Skill of the Week since February of 2013, but since my retirement I have twice missed. Even worse, i didn't even notice that I'd missed for over a week! I'm sure you can imagine my distress, specifically my feelings of anxiety and shame. I certainly needed to give myself grace! "The winds of grace are always blowing, but it is you that must raise your sails." (Rabindranath Tagore). Giving ourselves grace, or giving others grace, is an essential tool when we're all anxious, depressed, burnt out, angry, ashamed, or languishing. I love this quote, because it reminds me that grace is ever present. I don't have to have special qualifications in order to get some. I don't need special skills, or training, or personality characteristics. I apologize if you wondered where the Skill of the Week had gotten to. For myself, I think this quote is a reminder to notice, to look for where grace is already present. What gift of grace can you give yourself today?

05/28/2023

YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST 🎉

04/30/2023

7 DBT Skills for Decreasing Emotional Pain & Suffering

1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS of your emotion. When we experience an emotion that is painful we have a tendency to repress the pain (hoping if we ignore it then it will go away), or to obsessively try to problem solve (how can I get rid of the emotion). Instead of going down these paths, which only increase emotional suffering, try observing the emotion inside of your body. Notice it…observe and describe the actual physical sensation inside your body. There is research that shows doing this decreases how overwhelming the emotion is. This can decrease our impulsive urge to ‘kill’ the emotion.

2. RIDE THE WAVE of the emotion. Observe your emotion and instead of trying to control the emotion (by ignoring it, analyzing it or focusing on it) move your focus from the cause of the emotion to the emotion itself. Allow yourself to feel it, give yourselves permission to experience the emotion (and to experience pain) without trying to eliminate it or figure out if it is justified. Feel it AND we ride it out. Focus on the fact that emotions do not last forever and they do not stay at the same intensity, they ebb and they flow IF we allow them to.

3. TURN YOUR MIND away from the details of the emotion. Do not focus on how ‘horrible’ you were, or what a ‘bad’ person you feel you are, how pi**ed off you are at a particular family member, or the inequality of the world. LET GO OF THE DETAILS!! The details of what brings on shame, anger or sadness for us actually increases the intensity of our pain. ACKOWLEDGE the pain, but make a choice NOT to focus only on the pain.

4. & 5. PRACTICE NON-JUDGMENT of yourself, and the world around you. This means RADICAL ACCEPTANCE (truly just acknowledgment of) the world as it is. This does not mean we tell ourselves we like how things are, or pretend it is ‘all going to be ok’. It means choosing to participate in life as it is. Turn away from asking the questions that increase your distress…such as am I ‘a bad person’, or ‘a bad Christian’, or ‘a horrible mother’, or ‘why did this happen’, or ‘how can he get what he deserves’. They increase our emotional distress and therefore bring us closer to wanting to use or do something to escape the immense pain that accompany the emotion of shame. Instead of focusing on good vs. bad, moral vs. immoral, right vs. wrong, fair vs. unfair turn your mind instead to effective vs. ineffective. If focusing on your shame, anger, sadness or fear increases your level of emotional distress then turn away from focusing on it.

6. TAKE MINDFUL ACTION. Use this very moment in time to commit to behaving only in ways that are consistent with your values and DO NOT increase your emotional suffering! If you feel shame about treating others poorly then treat people with kindness and respect RIGHT NOW. Do what it is right now that you feel you did not do in the past. Use this moment in time to be a person who behaves in ways you can be proud of. If you haven’t stood up for yourself in the past, then use this moment to speak up. If you have gone off on others in the past, then choose your words carefully (choosing not to act until you are calm enough to do so in a way you can respect). Not only will this decrease your experience of emotional pain RIGHT NOW, but it will also start to rebuild your self-esteem and act as a buffer for shame, anger, sadness and fear in the future.

7. Use OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION. Stop reinforcing emotions you don’t want to have by behaving differently and ACTUALLY transform the emotion itself. Be willing to push yourself out of comfort, out of your ‘usual’ response to dealing with emotions and find the power you have to transform your pain and free yourself from its hold on you.