01/10/2024
Sometimes we go through massive changes that break us. Breaking us open so we can put ourselves back to together in a whole new way - a way that is for our own good.
This year certainly cracked me into a million little pieces. My relationship of 14 years ended, moved 4 times, sprained my ankle, our nanny of 2 years left and went back to school, had emergency surgery for ovarian torsion, had to set some uncomfortable boundaries family members and dealt with a crazy mold situation/remediation in the first home I’ve ever owned that cost $$$ and turned too much of my hair grey.
I really felt lost in the madness. But the truth is, while so much discomfort was navigated, there were so many gifts in the process.
Mold, which is a fungus, decomposes. It feels so symbolic for what I went through. The mold that was eating the walls of my home, was literally decomposing the foundation that I was clinging to for safety.
I’ve spent a lot of years thinking - when this happens, I will feel x, y or z. I thought a home would make me feel safe/secure. I thought being in a relationship equaled safety/security. But the uncomfortable truth is I had to find safety without any of these things, but rather with myself.
In every situation, always, it comes back to our relationship with ourselves.
People have commended me for my bravery and strength and while I can honestly say I do feel strong, I can assure you there was an enormous amount of fear, panic and anxiety for the good first half of this year+. Less eloquently put, a lot of kicking and screaming as every false senses of security unraveled around me. I cried, paced & panicked and then cried again and again and again.
My community held me. My friends were there for me. And in the end, I found freedom by finally returning home to myself.
Happy to report that I’m finally on the other side of this messy growth spurt and really (REALLY!) really excited to see what life has in store for me next.
Feeling filled to the brim with gratitude lately for everything in my life! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
And thank you for this beautiful dress