Innergy Counseling

03/27/2023

10/29/2022

I recently had a wonderful conversation I had with Carol Dechaine on her podcast Connect2Joy and a great conversation with Laurin W Wittig on her Curiously Wise podcast. I will be posting it also on my website after I complete an upcoming podcast called Living to 100. Check out my podcast page at www.harborglowholistic.com

10/29/2022

Happy fall of 2022! I hope this message finds you well. Today, I invite you to explore a few big questions that in turn, might lead you to some big insights. Insights that inspire positive changes. Additionally, I have an update on my practice.

With the onset of fall and eventually winter, it is a powerful time to turn inward. Hanging out in your inner world, maybe with a cup of tea in hand, and taking time to reflect offers the gifts of increased self-awareness and clarity. Sometimes, if you and I are lucky, we also get to see where we are stuck. This is incredibly helpful because we can't change what we don't see. Facing our blind spots takes bravery, however, since it is likely that our blindness, so to speak, has served us somehow. Blindness as a form of self-protection because we weren't ready to see the truth. So, if you are ready to dive into the big questions, I ask that you bring forward not only your courage, but your gentleness and wisdom too.

Do you really love yourself?

I am talking about practicing self-love here, not professing it. The kind of love that goes beyond self-care activities like getting a massage from time to time to the harder stuff, like accepting your fallibility in the face of a mistake, finding your voice even if your knees are shaking, setting boundaries without guilt, respecting and cherishing your body, and maybe most importantly, engaging in compassionate self-talk. Each of these aspects of practicing self-love is complex but ultimately illuminate the embodiment of self-love.

Are you making a difference in the world?

What I imagine in posing this question isn't necessarily the big-ticket items, such as starting a non-profit, running for office or saving a life. Those are amazing endeavors, of course. But for many of us, the vision of making a big difference is overwhelming. Instead of feeling motivated and creative, we feel paralyzed. When that happens, sadly, we lose sight of the very opportunities that are right in front of us. Those small things, such as letting the car in front of you in, smiling at a stranger, helping someone who is lost, or picking up a piece of litter, all contribute to the world being a better place. Not only that, by making any difference, we get to enjoy putting our head on the pillow each night feeling a stronger connection to the world we live in.

Who do you need to forgive? (Include yourself)

Forgiveness is complicated but not forgiving others is also complicated and not without the consequences of resentment and being stuck in the past. It can be much easier when the person who we need to forgive has taken responsibility and has offered remorse and a willingness to make what happened right. In those cases, where there has been repair, it may be time to let go and choose to forgive. This choice does not negate your pain but ultimately allows you to fully heal.

There are other times, however, when we get hurt and have not had the gift of repair around our injury. Maybe the other person can't, won't or has died. It is much harder, understandably, to forgive without accountability. But if we don't forgive, we still live with the consequences of not doing so. There is, however, an inner process that can help.

First, consider whether the person did their best. This doesn't mean that you didn't get hurt but ask yourself if you are operating with clarity around their capacities. Also ask yourself whether or not you have all of the information around what happened. Way too often our hurts are laced with interpretations and assumptions. Lastly, reflect upon the benefits and good that has come from what happened. For example, when we get hurt, not only have we survived, but we have often learned life lessons as well as strengthened our resilience. So, here's the deal; we really can't have it both ways. We don't get to keep the silver linings without accepting the life experience that produced those gifts.

For some of us, forgiveness work is really about forgiving ourselves. This can be transformative in terms of no longer living in self-judgment. But again, it's a process. In terms of forgiving yourself, think of it in the same way as you would in forgiving another. Take responsibility for where you have caused harm, say you're sorry (literally), and do whatever you need to do on your own behalf to make it right.

What does true happiness look like for you?

When exploring this question, instead of simply listing the things, activities, events, people, etc. that make you happy, try starting with what makes you unhappy. From there, imagine changing those things. Just the act of acknowledging your unhappiness is part of being emotionally honest with yourself and feels better than denying it, especially if you are willing to do something about your unhappiness. In addition, remember that chasing happiness is a real thing. It is like being on a happiness hamster wheel, which creates pressure and anxiety (a form of unhappiness) and too often results in finding out later that what you thought would make you happy didn't. Next, focus on what is present in your life right now that makes you happy. Imagine that you could find deeper happiness just by savoring what in your life currently brings you joy. Finally, keep in mind the role of experiencing "awe" in being happy. For me, I love to look for awe in the small stuff; not only the beautiful sunsets and majestic mountain ranges, but equally in the ant trains on their highways and byways traveling in perfect order up and down a towering Douglas Fir.

So here is the summary...

Practice loving yourself and be watchful of your self-talk
Do something each day that makes a difference in the world
Engage in forgiveness work with yourself and others
Change or eliminate what makes you unhappy, savor what brings you joy and engage in cultivating "awe" in your life
The big practice update is that I have been exploring psilocybin-assisted therapy within my practice and have been looking into next steps. What I have learned in the process is that the current implementation of Measure 109 in Oregon is not set up for those in private practice, meaning that I would need to work for a designated "Service Center" in order to legally offer psilocybin-assisted therapy. I am saddened by this discovery but will continue to explore bringing other pieces, such as preparation and integration, to my clients in the form of groups and classes.

03/11/2022

As events tragically unfold in Ukraine, I initially, found myself in stunned silence and heartbreak, I had to find my own feet. How to be with the fear in my body and the pain in my heart before I could pivot and find something meaningful to offer anyone else. Perhaps some of you relate. Maybe you are still finding your feet.

Ultimately, we cannot stay frozen or distracted. At the most basic level of how our bodies and nervous systems track safety/danger, we don't get away with looking the other way. But to face the fire, so to speak, is to bring our own "tough stuff" to the tough stuff happening in the world. Not traditional toughness: being stoic and detached but instead, finding strength and bravery in feeling the pain of what is occurring while cultivating our own resilience.

As I have said before, there are no easy answers to be found. At least I don't have them. But I do have for you the very things that I am leaning on myself. Touchstones that soothe my nervous system, comfort my heart and get me through with more hope and fortitude than I would have without them. I am hopeful that these same touchstones bring solace to you. I end with a short poem that was shared with me by a dear friend.

Circle up with others and talk about how you are feeling, which can reduce any sense of isolation that would only add to our pain. The experience of being together is powerful and is perhaps one of the most important things we can do. What we are witnessing hurts so much because of our human, intrinsic connectedness to others. Connecting deeply with others then is good, good medicine.
Find a way to contribute so that you don't feel helpless. It doesn't have to be money. Attend a vigil, pray, give blood. Be creative but do something.
When waves of painful feelings, such as deep sadness or anger emerge, remember to let them move through your body. Emotions are transient and if we don't interfere, they have a beginning, middle and end. You may be feeling something hard 2 hours later, but you are keeping yourself emotionally heathy by not shutting your emotions down. This will also leave a space for joy and hope since shutting down one emotion tends to dampen all others.
Lean into and savor (30 seconds without distraction) the "what, when, where and who's" that provide comfort and aid to your nervous system that is likely on higher alert. You can use the very things that exist right now in your life that offer a sense of "goodness, safety and connection".
Zoom out. When we face the fire of human unconsciousness in the form of violence and aggression, it is essential to see the consciousness that also is present. In the case of this situation, what I see is unbelievable bravery, individual and collective resilience and generosity from the world. What do you see?
May you and I bring our most wakeful selves to our lives and this heartbreaking, beautiful world we live in. Here's the poem....

I am washing my face before bed while a county is on fire.

It feels dumb to wash my face and dumb not to.

It has never been this way and it has always been this way.

Someone has always clinked a cocktail glass in one hemisphere as someone loses a home in another,

While someone falls in love in the same apartment building where someone grieves.

The fact that suffering, mundanity and beauty coincide is unbearable and remarkable.

~Mari Andrew

In peace,

Katherine

12/31/2021

Unmasked in 2022!

The idea of being unmasked is especially refreshing after many months of contending with COVIID-19. And while we may not be able to take our physical masks off yet, we can absolutely remove the masks that keep us from living as our true selves. Doing so can be life changing because being masked means that we exist in the world with a false sense of self. But as it goes with powerful and transformative endeavors, in this case becoming and staying unmasked, it is easier said than done. That's because our masks, though they eventually get in the way to living authentically, have been fierce protectors in keeping us from experiencing pain.

For example, a really common mask, "The Pleaser", keeps us from feeling the fear of not mattering to another, i.e., pleasing others gives me a sense of security in my relationships. It also means we are living in the paradigm of individualism rather than an intrinsic connectedness to others. Or "The Perfectionist" mask, always striving as a way to ensure that I am good enough such that I don't feel the unworthiness that lies below. But pleasing others at our own expense comes with a high cost. Our own needs and feelings are too frequently shut out. Those relationships may feel more secure but come with resentment that grows over time. And the price of trying to stay one step ahead of feeling unworthy is huge as we find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed on the relentless treadmill of performative living.

So where do you go from here if unmasking yourself resonates and enlivens you; how do we bring our unmasked selves to 2022? Below are a few ideas that don't involve ripping the mask off. In being thoughtful with the process, it is much more likely transformation will last. And for some of us, the stakes couldn't be higher. We have arrived at a point in our lives where this is really it. It's time. No more moments, days or years we can't get back living behind masks that keep us from experiencing ourselves, life and our relationships fully.

Step one is to actually get to know your masks, taking a stance of curiosity, respect and gratitude. Remember, you likely would not be where you are in life without them. Debbie Ford, in her book, "Why Good People Do Bad Things", focuses on masks and has identified many. They include masks like "The Loner". "The Good Girl/Nice Guy", "The Martyr", "The Jokester" and "The Intellect".

Ask yourself what is needed for a sense of inner safety once the mask is removed. In the two examples above, you might need to have reassuring inner dialogue like "My relationships do not need me to discount my own feelings and needs to be secure. If they do, it might be time to look at whether or not this is a healthy relationship for me." or "If I feel unworthy, I can heal the part of me that believes I am not enough rather than continue the attempts to disprove it."

Next, be ready to feel uncomfortable. Transformation involves change and change often creates anxiety. Try to frame your uncomfortableness as an indicator that you are moving in the right direction.

Take one mask off at a time. Working with this process by pacing it will increase your capacity to eventually take on any and all masks you wear.

Lastly, get support. A friend, partner, therapist...enlist the support of anyone that can be both empathetic and help you to stay true to the North Star of authenticity.

In closing, here's to year unlike any other as you welcome your unasked self to the New Year :)

With love,

Katherine

10/22/2021

A Wellspring of Hope....You!

There is nothing like the experience of feeling hopeful. Moments like an act of tenderness from a stranger that restore our faith in humanity or seeing the choice of forgiveness and the healing that unfolds. Or when our heart soars, seeing a wrong made right or even a sunrise that invites us into a brand new day that has yet to be discovered. And though we feel energized and optimistic when hopeful, hope can arrive and leave far too quickly, often because our hopes are based in circumstances beyond our control. Living on a roller coaster of hopefulness and hopes dashed can lead many to take the stance of trying not to be hopeful at all. How often have you heard or said, "I'm not going to get my hopes up".

So what would it be to have an abiding sense of hopefulness? To be less and less dependent upon positive circumstances to experience hope? Is this idea magical thinking? Would it ask of us to pretend everything is ok when it is not? The answer, I believe, is no. Sustaining hope is not impossible nor does it require you or I to pretend. But it does require us to be intentional, focused and practiced.

Here are some ways to generate hopefulness in yourself:

1. Reframe adversity; Focus on the resilience, courage, creativity and perseverance that can emerge from hardship and difficulty. When we do this, hope is based on our capacities, not from the absence of adversity. Capacities that we can strengthen and see in others.
2. Ask your future self to talk to your current self; During our hardest and most hopeless times, most of us would have been greatly helped to have heard a voice from within gently reminding us that good and powerful stuff lies ahead. We just couldn't see it. I know the despairing, suicidal 16 year old that was me sure could have used words from my future self like..."I know it's so hard right now, but it's gonna get a lot better. You can trust me".
3. Listen to inspirational music; Not only can music touch something deep within us, if we choose songs with lyrics that inspire hope, not only do we feel more hopeful, but we are gifted by feeling less alone.
4. Check your story; If you feel hopeless, ask yourself whether or not your feelings are coming from direct experience or from a hopeless narrative. Stories like "I will never be happy, find love, be able to trust", etc. Keep it honest, of course, but when you change the story, you'll change your experience.
5. Gate keep what gets into your psyche. This is likely a reminder but make sure to do the good work of protecting your inner world from an imbalance of fear, danger and negativity that is in the news and the world around us. Balance the tough stuff with that which gives you hope and joy.
6. Reinforce hope; When you feel hopeful, stay with it. Take a few deep breaths and see where you feel hope in your body. Add images in your mind and consider sharing the moment with someone.
7. Practice mindfulness; Hopelessness is all about the future, which has not happened yet. Try to let the future stay in the future and not compromise the present moment.
8. Finally, offer hope to someone; Be that ransom act of kindness knowing that you as you create hope in someone else, you foster hopefulness within yourself.

05/28/2021

I want to share with you a powerful story that illuminates what showing up in our tribe can look like when the going gets tough. It is an example of the heart-wrenching hardship of staying with a loved one when they no longer know who we are and when doing so is painful. It’s called “So Nice to Hear Your Voice” and you can check it out at https://www.thisamericanlife.org/737/the-daily/act-two-13.

Dee Brown’s routine is thrown totally out of whack when Covid hits.

03/29/2021

For those of you that enjoy podcasts, check out a few that I have had the honor to participate in and now have the pleasure of introducing to you. You can go directly to the interviews from the links provided here or visit my website at: https://harborglowpublishing.com/podcasts for these and others.

~ Choosing Hope Podcast, a powerful conversation with Munira Premji , author of One Woman, Three Cancers: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/choosing-hope-river-to-ocean-with-katherine-jansen-byrkit/id1516508331?i=1000512007302

~ Heart, Soul, Wisdom Podcast, a wonderful dialogue with Moira Sutton: http://moirasutton.com/heart-soul-wisdom-podcast-show/

~ A third conversation with Dick Goldberg on Embracing Death from Insights with Dick Goldberg: https://www.dickgoldbergradio.com/embracing-death/

How can you learn to accept the process of death and dying instead of fearing it?

02/01/2021

Also wanted to share an inspiring and hopeful documentary called "Kiss the Ground". Enjoy!

Science experts and celebrity activists unpack the ways in which the earth's soil may be the key to combating climate change and preserving the planet.

02/01/2021

I am excited to share a powerful and super enjoyable conversation with Jonathan Westover, Ph.D. with Human Capitol Innovations...check it out!

12/21/2020

I also invite you to embrace the Winter Solstice with a wakeful heart!

Wakefulness in Hibernation

On the shortest day of the year, accompanied by the longest night of the year, the Winter Solstice may be a powerful metaphor for how life has felt for a while. Perhaps you, like me, usually look forward to the winter as a time of quiet and reflection, hibernating if you will, in the form of slowing down, focusing inwardly, and embracing simplicity. But we have had a different kind of year, vastly, and for some there is a sense of restlessness and resistance to more of the same. And though the Winter Solstice offers the hope of more daylight to come, just as vaccinations offer hope for a global pandemic, we still have to walk the walk of being with what is happening right now. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but still being in the tunnel. As I offer in my book, River to Ocean: Living in the Flow of Wakefulness, true mindfulness means being fully present in this moment of life with acceptance. Below are a few practices to help us all hibernate wakefully.

Make accepting what is and practicing mindfulness a conscious choice, which helps move us from a “this is happening to me” mindset to a “this is happening through and for me” one. The energy of being willing is quite different than white knuckling our way through time and circumstance;

As you make the choice to be wakeful during the winter season, imagine listening to what you are feeling such that your willingness to practice mindfulness includes making any changes that would be helpful, such as better self care, practicing boundaries, taking up journaling, less T.V. watching, more time in nature or taking time off. Emotions are a powerful guide to accessing what we need;

Consider this as time to go deeper and be more attuned in your relationship with yourself and others;

Try practicing one act of kindness everyday, in all sorts of forms and see how many days you can stack up;

Finally, ask yourself what have you learned and how you intend to take those learnings into your life and future? Reflecting upon what has been hard, good, enlightening, etc. is how this year offers a transformed future as we eventually arrive on the other side of so much of the adversity we have faced.

12/21/2020

Happy holidays and almost New Year! Check out my latest podcast interview....

Today Joanna has Katherine Jansent Byrkit, a psychotherapist and author of River to Ocean: Living in the Flow of Wakefulness, on her podcast to talk all about finding your way to an awakened self. They are diving deep about stepping into a new version of you and allowing yourself to celebrate wher...